By Eric Brinling
Recently I have decided to begin one of the most ambitious projects the Pittiful News has
ever seen. For the last few months, this has been my one goal, my drive, the thing that gets me
out of bed in the morning. And yet, I’ve been let down. Indeed, America has been let down, my
loyal readers, for my dreams of starting an interview segment have fallen flat as neither Joe
Biden nor Donald Trump have responded to my requests for interviews.
In November, when everything was all happy and hunky dory, I decided it would be a
good time to email the two of them and ask if they wanted to come on my show. We’re a
comedy newspaper, but I assured them that the jokes would be lighthearted and strictly
apolitical. It would be a fun time, I promised. And yet, neither one of them could give me a
simple “no” (or, more desirably, a “yes”).
And so, in lieu of an actual interview, I will present to you a few of my questions, and
you can make up their answers for yourself.
QUESTIONS FOR JOE BIDEN
When you’re waiting for something, do you often say that you are ‘Biden’ your time?
If your image was on a silly hat, in what pose would you prefer to be immortalized?
May I call you Joey Bides when I’m telling my mom about this interview later?
Are you now, or have you ever been, a member of the Communist Party?
If Kamala Harris mysteriously goes missing in upstate New York next Friday, would you
consider choosing me as your next VP?
Do you agree with the observation that your face has gotten longer over the years? And,
if so, why the long face?
How does it feel being nobody’s first choice for president?
Why isn’t bolder action being taken with Democrats holding the presidency and
majorities in both chambers of the legislature?
Do you keep a nightlight on to ward off Mitch McConnell, who is known to lurk in
Have you ever seen Obama naked?
QUESTIONS FOR DONALD TRUMP
Both of us came dressed with the middle name John so obviously one of us has to
change. That wasn’t a question, but what if it was?
If you know that everyone thinks your skin is orange-hued, why do you keep using that
orange spray tan? Literally everybody says it looks bad. This seriously baffles me.
Were your feelings truly hurt by Facebook commenters calling you “Drumpf”?
Do you agree that Donald is a silly name, or are you used to little kids giggling behind
your back at this point?
Same question as the last one, but replace Donald with Trump.
Had your mob succeeded in hanging Mike Pence, who was at the top of your list as
replacement VP? Was it me?
Did someone many years ago dare you to say the word “tremendous” once for every
woman you’ve sexually assaulted?
Did you intentionally propagate the lie of election fraud or were you too stupid and
egotistical to realize you actually lost?
Would you rather the history books say you lost the election because you were unlikeable
or because you failed in the response to a pandemic and left hundreds of thousands of
Americans to die, meanwhile stoking the flames of a culture war of your own creation?
Have you ever seen Rudy Giuliani naked?