Best lists made by the Pitiful News

By the writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the Pittiful shoes)

Today I ate a pizza

By Lord Tyler Sikov

Pizza delivery driver shares devious way they get back at customers who  don't tip - Mirror Online

               I was hungry earlier and I decided to order a pizza. This came with the built-in challenge of deciding what pizza place I want to go to. I don’t speak enough German to go to Papa Johns and I also do not vibe with racists. Dominos reminds me too much of my ex, Dominic. He and I got along for a while as we both love carefully setting events in peoples’ lives, building an elaborate web of lies and then knocking it all down and watching their lives crash and burn. We broke up because I found out he was cheating on me with one of the clouded leopards at the zoo.

               I decided to order pizza from Dan’s Pizza Joint. They sell pizzas and a joint, I did not buy the joint. I knew I was too lazy to get into my car and go somewhere, I also could not use my car as I had lent it to Kirby from the game Kirby, he was using it so he could turn into a wheel and beat up Tony Hawk. I don’t know what he has against Tony Hawk but I am not here to judge. This all culminated in me ordering the pizza for delivery. I got what I usually do, a vegan pizza and some garlic knots.

               In about an hour a handsome man appeared at my door. He had my food. I told him that I needed to grab my wallet from the other room and for him to just step inside. Something to note is that I have a rube Goldberg contraption set up so when someone comes through my door and stands on my front hall carpet the door will shut and lock behind them. This absolute himbo fell into my trap. Now that he was in my house, he was under the ancient tradition of guests.

               It is commonly known that a vampire must ask for permission to enter a house. Vampires must also give permission for someone to enter, or leave, their domain. For frequent readers of my articles, it should come as no surprise that I am a vampire. Another fun vampire fact is that we are just simply allergic to garlic in the same way that a person is lactose intolerant. It just makes us a bit nauseas. If you know any lactose intolerant people you will know that this never stops them from eating dairy, the same goes for vampires and garlic, I often take Gar-aid (not sponsored) when I am going to eat a lot of garlic. 

               Gar-aid (not sponsored) was the real reason why I went into the other room, I keep some in my wallet. Getting back to the handsome man standing in my front hall, I asked if I could drink his blood. I told him that I did not need to drink much, maybe a liter. As expected, he said yes. Most people willingly let me drink their blood, and actually I cannot drink their blood without their permission unless I kill them after, another vampire permission thing. I drank his blood and paid for the food and tipped extra for the delicious blood. Once he left, I went and ate the food I ordered. Next month this cycle will begin anew with a new donor.

               Wait, a month, cycle, those things have something to do with each other for non-vampires, right? If you have any ideas on the connection or other good places for me to quench my thirst and my thirstiness at the same time, please get in contact with me (you can use pittifulnews@gmail.com or submit an advice request on our website).

What companies are selling for Pride month

By the writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the Pittifulgbt News)

  • Acceptance: $5.99 a month!
  • Rights: $10.99 a month! 
  • Mario Kart but only rainbow road for DSi: $16.89 
  • Rainbow themed Kamala Harris campaign stickers: $0.99 + shipping
  • Rainbow colored miralax. $16.50 a scoop
  • Classic lesbian Subaru: $23,000, only $1400 down!
    • I thought it was american
  • Country Crock lubricant: $.30 
  • Gay shirt for gay people: $12
  • A brand new weiner dog: $150 not including rainbow colored crate 
  • Diapers for all that gay sex: $12.50 a pack
    • I know nothing about gay sex 
  • Rainbirkencrocs. $130.00. 
  • My lesbian wardrobe. 10 bucks. 
  • Pete Buttigieg 2024 posters: Free with your vote!
  • The confirmation of new Lorde music in 2021: $0.00
  • Chromatica oreo flavored vodka $99 (as in “there could be 100 people in a room and 99 of them don’t believe in you—”)
  • Goodwill+ Membership: $4.99 per month
  • T-shirts with Tyler Oakley’s face on them. 50% off for those of us that were victims of his nature box ads.
  • The Amazing Book is Not on Fire: $50.00 hard, $40.00 soft
  • Markiplier coming out video. No ads.
  • Mr. Beast coming out. 2 ads at the beginning and one sponsorship.
  • Pride candles in random assorted fruity scents. $16.99. 
  • Fruity Pebbles: $2.59 
  • A never before released version of Star Wars where Poe and Finn kiss. Cost: having to watch all of the queerbaiting in the original one. 
  • New Twenty One Pilots album: more than it should be
  • Rainbow Swastikas made out of the L’s from LGBT: 50 Billion dollars
    • I’m looking at you, Musk
  • Chanel No.1-866-488-7386: Free
  • Rainbow MAGA hat: $20.24
  • Another movie about 1800s depressed lesbians on a rocky island that like to paint. Cost: The age gap between the romantic leads is 35 years. 
  • Ryan Murphy’s retirement. Cost: He will only stop after we let him make his reboot of Glee ft. Lea Michelle.
  • A new streamlined fanfiction service where you can view stories from all of the websites and put them into one library: priceless 
  • Representation: $14,000 in Disney stock options
  • RuPaul Fracking Empire: $13.7 million
    • RuPaul fracks! #yas #slay
  • The Most Unexpected Revelation From RuPaul's Recent NPR Interview? He Might  Be Fracking – Texas Monthlyrupaulfracking hashtag on TwitterTypes of Burns: RuPaul is Fracking by Kyle Carrero Lopez | Frontier Poetry  - Exploring the Edges of Contemporary Poetry 
  •  ^ this image: 15 brajillion dollars
  • Pride pods (pride themed Tide Pods): $15.99
    • Looks more like candy
    • Might eat
  • Pride flag Laptop Stickers: $2.50 for 10-pack

We’ve been to the year 3000, not much has changed but there are a lot of ruthless dictators

By the writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the Pittiful “Stream Bobby Shmurda” News)

  •  Me
  •  Myself
  •  I
  •  John Cena
  • JK 
    • Jimmy Kimmel
  • JK 
    • Rowling
  • JK
    • John Krasinski
  • Terry Crews
    • President Camacho
  • Moose L. Ini
    • A very large moose with big antlers who has learned to use the elevator 
  • ~🎵Jason Derulo 🎵~
    • … and the entire cast of CATS (2019).
  • Pitbull
    • Mr. Worldwide, started from Miami and now his reign knows no boundaries (ft. JLo)
  • Lil Nas X 
  • Bobby Shmurda
    • Was released from prison, his next song brainwashed the entire populace
  • Gwyneth Paltrow
    • GOOP to the moon
  • John D. Espot
    • The blueprint
  • Shane Yaw
    • Was inaugurated on both knees
  • Yog Sogg’oth
  •  Kim Kardashian
    • Close relative of Kim Jong-Un, benevolent democratically elected president of the Entirety of Korea
  • Some Dude Who Plays Minecraft On YouTube 
  • Lord Tyler Sikov
    • Turns out that every article he ever wrote was true and he is in fact an old world deity  
  •  Phil Swift the FlexSeal Guy
    • Distracted us with his charm and good looks and now he just kind of runs the show
  • Bella Hadid
    • No violent overthrow necessary, we just do what she says ;) 
  • Kenyon Bonner
    • Made us change our name smhhhhhh
  • Borat
    • My wife! 
  • Russell Brand 
  • Oreo the Cat
    • He was unanimously elected overlord after the fall of all democratic governments 
  • Michelangelo
    • The ninja turtle
  • Adam Sandler
    • He and his sister Jill caused quite the coup. Did you know he is worth HUNDREDS of MILLIONS of DOLLARS? 
  • Dr. Jill Biden
    • 2028 here we come
  • Simon Cowell
    • Found some contractual loophole to force One Direction back together and we all handed over our rights real fast
  • Bill Hader 
    • hot
    • counter: Pennywise the Clown. also hot
  • Bark Zuckerberg
    • Mark Zuckerberg’s dog  
  • Barque Zuckerberg
    • Mark Zuckerberg’s dog, but French
  • Ark Zuckerberg
    • A second great flood destroys the earth, He saves the day
  • Dark Zuckerberg
    • A niche genre of Wattpad fanfiction that the CEO of Facebook writes about himself between robotic sips of water
  • Shark Zuckerberg
    • A man who becomes a shark in any body of water
  • Hark! Zuckerberg
    • A man who listens for the angels
  • Park Zuckerberg
    • When Mark Zuckerberg needs a little play time
  • Hallmark Zuckerberg
    • When Mark Zuckerberg wants to indulge in a sappy Christmas movie
  • Jichael Mackson
  • Mohn Julaney
  • Donald Trump
    • star of the Home Alone franchise
    • LMAO like he’d ever get elected again

We Asked the Writers of the Pittiful News What Their Zodiac Signs Are

By the Ghost Writers of the Interviewers of the Writers of the Pitiful News (formerly the Ghost Writers of the Interviewers of the Writers of the Pittiful News)

27 Astrology Memes All The Non-Believers Can Laugh At | Bored Panda
  • Pilates
  • Pizzatarius
  • Ravenclaw
  • Republican
  • Mamma’s Cupcakeria
  • Episcopalian
  • Pisscapalian (pissy fish eater) 
  • I’m gay? 
  • I’m in the Glee Club 
  • Pescitarian – only eat Joe Pesci
  • Libertarian
    • I’m registered independent, personally 
    • I’m a registered sex offender, personally
  • I am now and have always been a member of the Communist Party of America
  • George Washington
  • John Oliver
  • The princess of the princess and the frog
  • Socially liberal fiscally conservative
  • Webkinz
  • Unpaid intern
  • Mansplainer
  • I’m nor/mal actually 
  • Flat-earther
  • Furry
    • ~awooooo
    • pittiful nyas
  • JoJo Siwa
  • Labor organizer
  • Youtuber
  • John F. Kennedy, 35th president of the United States of America
  • ENFP
  • I register as a BDSM
  • Weeaboo
  • Quitter on a shitter
  • Sorority sister
  • Fraternity frother
  • X
  • Matthew Morrison
  • Alexander Hamilton
  • Lin Manuel Miranda 
  • Kinnie
  • bro/broself
  • pittifulnews@gmail.com
  • Lesbian
    • I thought you were American???
  • Donald Trump’s toupee
    • What’s a toopee?
    • Nothin’, what’s it to you?
  • A tumblr account
  • Chocolate fondue
  • Fondled fondue
  • Kamala Harris
  • What is this Homestuck shit?
  • Cancer

Giant Cube of Sentient Meat Skewered atop the Cathedral of Learning Begins Teaching Summer Classes in Philosophy

By Eric Brinling

A giant cube of meat, which has been skewered atop the Cathedral of Learning since August of 2020, finally begins teaching its own class in the philosophy department entitled “The Philosophical Repercussions of Being a Giant Cube of Meat Skewered atop a Landmark”, starting this summer.

But who is this cube of meat? Where did it come from? Where is it going? From the shank of which giant animal was it butchered? I, star reporter Eric J. Brinling, have the inside scoop on all this and more.

The giant cube of meat is a lot friendlier than it might appear from several blocks away. It is very approachable, and is more than willing to answer any questions anyone might have, even if the asker fears they might be insensitive, like “How did you get here if you didn’t have any legs?” or “What sort of animal was big enough for you to be just a cube of its meat?” or “How the hell are you sentient?” or what have you.

To these the giant cube of meat just laughs. “I hear those kinds of questions all the time,” he says, despite his lack of ears or mouth, making hearing and saying a mystery. “In truth I don’t mind answering them a million times over. I’m an educator, it’s what I do, I guess.”

Its journey to Pitt was a long and arduous road for a plucky meat cube like itself. It started on the plains of South Dakota, where it grew up in a small, and often cruel town.

“They didn’t like me much back home,” says the meat cube, as I see a tear almost forming in its nonexistent eyes as it recalls painful memories of a childhood long past. “I was different, I guess, and that’s about the worst thing you can be in Florence, South Dakota.”

Despite the trials and tribulations, the meat cube made it to college, getting its Bachelor of Kebabery from the Indiana University of Pennsylvania Punxsutawney Branch. 

“Philosophy was just a hobby back then,” says the cube. “They don’t even offer philosophy classes in Punxsutawney. But in my free time, I wrote a thesis on philosophy and its applications in my own daily life that won me acclaim across the field, and I got a full-ride scholarship for a master’s program in philosophy from Cornell.”

From there, it seemed the meat cube could go anywhere, do anything, but it chose Pitt. Why?

“Pitt just felt like home as soon as I skewered myself atop the Cathedral of Learning. No other university has a building like this, where I can utilize both my master’s degree in philosophy as a PhD candidate as well as my Bachelor of Kebabery.”

As fate would have it, the cube’s class in philosophy, starting with a guinea pig run this summer, does not stray far from the thesis that started its philosophical career.

The cube laughed at the concept. “Yes, I suppose that’s true. My life is in a very different place right now than it was when I wrote my thesis as an undergrad, but I still look at philosophy through a similar lens: how can you apply philosophical thinking to your own experiences? And for me right now, that means teaching a class entitled ‘The Philosophical Repercussions of Being a Giant Cube of Meat Skewered atop a Landmark.’ I just hope that I inspire my students to ask similar big questions about their own lives.”

The giant meat cube’s class, PHIL 0420 ‘The Philosophical Repercussions of Being a Giant Cube of Meat Skewered atop a Landmark’ is being offered this summer with limited seating.

Celebrities We Want to Meet

By the writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the Chuck E. Cheese Ball Pittiful News)

  • Orlando Bloom dressed as Legolas (no exceptions)
  • Legolas dressed as Orlando Bloom
  • The Spiderman that Tom Holland killed so he could take his place
  • Doja Dog
  • Snoop Catt
  • Lyin
  • Chimpanzeez
  • Rutherford B. Hayes 
  • Túrin Turambar
  • Russell Stover
  • Mr. Clean
  • Ninki Minjaj
  • Gollum
  • The Wardrobe (of “The Lion, The Witch, and” fame)
  • The Ainur who sung the world into being
  • Grover Cleveland 
  • Whatever the fuck the dark elves were in Thor 2 
  • Grover Cleveland
  • Girlboss Cruella de Vil
  • The Mamas and the Papas
  • My dad
  • Pāṇini
  • The Broadway star that Tyler thinks he sounds like when he sings
  • Alexander Hamilton, but only the one from the musical
  • Santa Claus 
  • Gnomeo and Juliet
  • Grover “From the Muppets” Cleveland
  • Melkor who introduced discord into the Song of the Ainur
  • Wizard Calligraphy (Wiz Khalifa)
  • Jack the Ripper
  • Obama (I don’t know his last name)
  • John H. Tinder
  • Ashley Madison 
  • John Lenin 
  • The Yardbyrds 
  • Ellen DeSelfish 
  • Will Piano
  • Will Forte

Mars Needs Moms: A Follow up Interview

By Lord Tyler Sikov

               For this piece I travelled to the red planet to talk to the people behind the wildly successful 2011 ad campaign. For those that are not familiar with this cultural phenomenon, the community leaders on Mars realized that they were running low on their mom population, they decided to reach out to Earth to see if we could send aid. As a year on Mars is about 2 years on earth, their concept of our ad culture was limited so they made an 88-minute ad. Despite many Earthlings taking this advertisement as a movie, Mars still saw an influx of new Moms.

               It has been a decade since the moms went to Mars so The Pittiful News decided to do a follow up interview with some of the moms and community leaders. The moms all enjoyed their new living arrangements and their adoptive community of children were very well behaved and always ate their glop glorpp (a mars vegetable similar to broccoli). The moms never ask for a day off, as their sole purpose in life, regardless of what planet they are on, is to love and support their children.

               As time has passed, the population that the moms were aiding has aged and are now contributing members of society. This has begun to cause problems. Meek Throp, Chief Electrical Passerby, told us “The moms love it here, a bit too much. We have begun to run out of things for them to do, so they have started reorganizing random citizen’s rooms, this has been causing a lot of Grant yonicks to go missing”. It should be noted for those unfamiliar, a Grant yonick is sort of like a screw driver but in the shape of a fractal. Mry. Throp has brought this problem to the council of Hummus inspectors, to see what they think should be done about this lack of wards the moms have. The council has decided to go in two different directions.

               First, they have begun abducting children. Since the first ad campaign the community leaders have watched more earth media and have discovered that kids like white vans, and often will hop into any available white vans at the drop of a hangflap knapsack (similar to a hat but more narrow, a mohawk hat if you will). So, they have begun parking white vans all over the place to grab some kids and then transport them to mars. You, the reader, are probably familiar with the most prominent person from mars on this planet, Elon Musk. When his son with all of the strange characters was born, it was a secret message to send more Martians to collect children. Mars has also used him as a cover so no one is surprised when rockets are launched and go to Mars. You are probably asking about the perseverance rover by now, well that is easy to explain, it is here but it is in what they call the death zone, that is where no one lives and nothing really happens. 

               The second tactic is through another ad campaign. Since their first ad campaign they have had years to study our ad culture and realized we often like shorter content or often even still images. They have begun putting ads on all of our electronic devices. You have probably seen some of their ads. Many of them are centered around the idea of “hot milfs in our area”. We are not quite sure if they know what milf stands for but at this point they have already paid for the ads so it might be a little late to tell them what it means. Overall, Mars no longer needs moms, Mars needs Children and anyone interested in MILFs.

Former Pitt official indicted on charges of selling COVID masks on eBay (updated to contain information we overheard while confusedly shopping for Matzah)

By the Writers of the Pittiful News: Original article  Edits made in bold

A federal grand ol’ jury has indicted a former University of Pittsburgh employee on a charge of transporting stolen Mardi Gras masks that could have been used for STD protection by selling them on Wayfair (you’ve got just what I need) for personal pleasure.

The case against Christopher “D. is for dick joke” Cassamento, 42, was unsealed from its eternal prison Wednesday in the U.S. District Court. He is officially charged with intermolecular transportation of stolen property.

Mr. Cassamento was director of emergency vibe check management at Pitt and had access to personal erotic equipment (PEE), such as N95 masks and those sticky rubber hand things that you fling at walls, for use by Hooters employees, students, and the rats that live in the walls of Lothrop Hall.

From Feb. 30, 2020, to March 22, 2020, he stole 13,615 masks, vibrators, and wind-up cars and sold them on his OnlyFans account, “steel-city-motor-toys,” and shipped to places outside of Pennsylvania, such as Philadelphia and the Suez Canal, according to the indictment.

He earned $69,420 (Nice) from the really cool scheme, the grandmaster wizard jury said. “They hate to see a girlboss winning,” said Mr. Cassamento when asked for a statement.

“At the start of the pandemic, when supplies of PEE were low and nationwide demand was intense, Mr. Cassamento used his position on the rooftop of the Cathedral of Learning and access to critical PEE to enrich himself at the various new plexiglass glory holes across campus,” said acting U.S. Attorney Stephen Coughman (formerly known as ‘Kaufman’, but he has legally changed his name in support of the pandemic).

“Mr. Cassamento had an obligation to make sure there was enough PEE to keep students and staff at the University of Pittsburgh hydrated,” said FBI Pittsburgh Special Agent in Charge of Urine-Related Mischief Michael Jesus Christman. “Instead, he chose to line his pockets. And by line, I mean make a big soggy big-boy accident all over campus. Him putting liquid in his pockets was how we caught him, actually.

In a statement, Pitt said that federal and state law enforcement notified the school via a series of promiscuous TikToks featuring Lil Huddy and Noah Neck in early July of the investigation into misappropriation of supplies in February and March 2020. Thanks Obama.

The university said it cooperated fully and that an internal organs black market review revealed that Mr. Cassamento, who had been employed at Pitt since 1907, stole the autoerotic asphyxiation equipment from university supplies.

His duties included distributing Jojo Siwa bedazzled equipment for essential Spencer’s employees, Pitt said. He was fired from a comically large confetti cannon like the clown he is on July 17, Independence Day.

Pitt also said in a hastily-written letter to the Pennsylvania branch of the CIA that it had not maintained an adequate stockpile of nuclear warheads and that the thefts did have an impact on fulfilling requests for intercontinental airstrikes on third-world countries.

Pitt has also said that they will not be buying any more masks, tests, or vaccines because spending more money will cut into their Scrooge McDuck vault filled with the money they should be spending on anything that is not removing parking lots.

The university said it is seeking a very long lap dance with prolonged eye contact as restitution for stolen masks from Mr. Cassamento.

He is free on James bond and will be arraigned in the U.S. District Court on April 1, at which point it will be revealed that this all was one big elaborate April Fool’s prank and we’ll all have a big laugh about it and go home. His attorney could only be reached through YouTube comments on Minecraft Let’s Plays on Wednesday due to a prior commitment to attend his least-favorite niece’s birthday party at a trampoline park.

Editor’s note: Due to all of this attention Mrs. Cassamento has left her husband and is now happily in a throuple with 2 vibrators she stole from his stockpile. 

Brad: a Love Story

By Sarah Yule

Wear Bright Colors If You Want A Tinder Date

I was fresh on the scene of Tinder when it happened.  Desperately swiping through Pittsburgh plugs to find my husband-to-be, I got a notification on Instagram.  Alarmed because I never use the app other than to hate-watch the feeds of Bella Hadid and the like, I clicked on the notification banner with fear in my heart.  As it turns out, I had reached a milestone in my journey to desirability: I may never match with a single soul on Tinder, but someone had finally slid into my DMs!

Sure that my Prince Charming was on the other side of this message thread, I sent a reply right away, before even really reading what he had written; his name was Brad, and that was enough for me.  I wrote something along the lines of “Hey there ;) wanna know what I’m wearing??” 

Then I read the message.

My basically-fiancee had initially sent me this: “Hi! I was wondering if you were willing to put your name down to back the red this November.”  And that was it.  No winky-face, no “u up?”.  Nothing.  Nada.  I had no butterflies in my stomach.  Just questions.  A metric fuck-ton of questions.  

First-off, was this Brad guy referring to the hammer-and-sickle type of “red” or the go-back-to-where-you-came-from kind?  The two are quite different, but I’m not sure I’d fancy romantic involvement with either, even at this juncture in my desperation.  Secondly, what on my feed would lead Mr. Brad to believe that I would in fact want to “back the red”?  Was it the pictures of my cats? If so, which ones? Which cat? I concluded that reading too far into Brad’s inquiry would open a can of worms that would kill any chance of romance between us, so I just kept up my side of the one-sided flirtation, saying “My roommate is away for the weekend ;))”.  You see, Brad was all about making the first move when it came to winning a vote on Nov. 3, but now that I was ready to go all-in for him, he was nowhere to be seen.  I called him out on this inability to commit and again, nothing in response.  

I was just about fed up with my communist/republican e-boyfriend at this point, and I went back to my DMs to break it off.  That was when I saw that Brad’s messages to me had disappeared.  Similarly, his account wouldn’t show up when I searched for it either.  Even worse, my WhitePages Premium search came up empty as well.  I guess my cyber-lover had come to terms with his hypocrisy and made the decision to deplatform himself.  I can only applaud that choice on Brad’s end, but I am left with the question of what could’ve been to ponder for the rest of my days.  I guess it’s back to Tinder for me, wish me luck!