What’s on Sutherland’s Mysterious 9th Floor?

By Isaac Przybysz

During my freshman year, I was wandering the halls of my native Sutherland and found something odd in the stairwell: a locked door at the end of a set of stairs going up from floor 8. “But how?” I thought. “The building only has 8 floors, that we know of.” So I decided to sneak find an alternative entrance up to the floor and here’s what I found:

• State secrets
• Science experiments
• A parking lot
• A swimming pool
• The genetic code for clones of more pre-med students from outside Philly
• Patrick Gallagher’s heating lamp
• An elevator to hell
• The end of the song “American Pie”
• A secret stash of Natty Light
• A Mario pipe, probably also to hell
• All the Starship robots
• Your grandparents’ tapes from when Pitt football was good
• The ‘butthole cut’ of Cats
• The Port Authority bus that fell in a sinkhole last year
• The Plague Inc controller for COVID
• Yoshi’s tax returns
• All the unmatched socks lost in the dryers
• A rabbit hole to Wonderland
• The Chevron steps
• Sodexo
• The O (RIP)