We’ve been to the year 3000, not much has changed but there are a lot of ruthless dictators

By the writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the Pittiful “Stream Bobby Shmurda” News)

  •  Me
  •  Myself
  •  I
  •  John Cena
  • JK 
    • Jimmy Kimmel
  • JK 
    • Rowling
  • JK
    • John Krasinski
  • Terry Crews
    • President Camacho
  • Moose L. Ini
    • A very large moose with big antlers who has learned to use the elevator 
  • ~🎵Jason Derulo 🎵~
    • … and the entire cast of CATS (2019).
  • Pitbull
    • Mr. Worldwide, started from Miami and now his reign knows no boundaries (ft. JLo)
  • Lil Nas X 
  • Bobby Shmurda
    • Was released from prison, his next song brainwashed the entire populace
  • Gwyneth Paltrow
    • GOOP to the moon
  • John D. Espot
    • The blueprint
  • Shane Yaw
    • Was inaugurated on both knees
  • Yog Sogg’oth
  •  Kim Kardashian
    • Close relative of Kim Jong-Un, benevolent democratically elected president of the Entirety of Korea
  • Some Dude Who Plays Minecraft On YouTube 
  • Lord Tyler Sikov
    • Turns out that every article he ever wrote was true and he is in fact an old world deity  
  •  Phil Swift the FlexSeal Guy
    • Distracted us with his charm and good looks and now he just kind of runs the show
  • Bella Hadid
    • No violent overthrow necessary, we just do what she says ;) 
  • Kenyon Bonner
    • Made us change our name smhhhhhh
  • Borat
    • My wife! 
  • Russell Brand 
  • Oreo the Cat
    • He was unanimously elected overlord after the fall of all democratic governments 
  • Michelangelo
    • The ninja turtle
  • Adam Sandler
    • He and his sister Jill caused quite the coup. Did you know he is worth HUNDREDS of MILLIONS of DOLLARS? 
  • Dr. Jill Biden
    • 2028 here we come
  • Simon Cowell
    • Found some contractual loophole to force One Direction back together and we all handed over our rights real fast
  • Bill Hader 
    • hot
    • counter: Pennywise the Clown. also hot
  • Bark Zuckerberg
    • Mark Zuckerberg’s dog  
  • Barque Zuckerberg
    • Mark Zuckerberg’s dog, but French
  • Ark Zuckerberg
    • A second great flood destroys the earth, He saves the day
  • Dark Zuckerberg
    • A niche genre of Wattpad fanfiction that the CEO of Facebook writes about himself between robotic sips of water
  • Shark Zuckerberg
    • A man who becomes a shark in any body of water
  • Hark! Zuckerberg
    • A man who listens for the angels
  • Park Zuckerberg
    • When Mark Zuckerberg needs a little play time
  • Hallmark Zuckerberg
    • When Mark Zuckerberg wants to indulge in a sappy Christmas movie
  • Jichael Mackson
  • Mohn Julaney
  • Donald Trump
    • star of the Home Alone franchise
    • LMAO like he’d ever get elected again

We Asked the Writers of the Pittiful News What Their Zodiac Signs Are

By the Ghost Writers of the Interviewers of the Writers of the Pitiful News (formerly the Ghost Writers of the Interviewers of the Writers of the Pittiful News)

27 Astrology Memes All The Non-Believers Can Laugh At | Bored Panda
  • Pilates
  • Pizzatarius
  • Ravenclaw
  • Republican
  • Mamma’s Cupcakeria
  • Episcopalian
  • Pisscapalian (pissy fish eater) 
  • I’m gay? 
  • I’m in the Glee Club 
  • Pescitarian – only eat Joe Pesci
  • Libertarian
    • I’m registered independent, personally 
    • I’m a registered sex offender, personally
  • I am now and have always been a member of the Communist Party of America
  • George Washington
  • John Oliver
  • The princess of the princess and the frog
  • Socially liberal fiscally conservative
  • Webkinz
  • Unpaid intern
  • Mansplainer
  • I’m nor/mal actually 
  • Flat-earther
  • Furry
    • ~awooooo
    • pittiful nyas
  • JoJo Siwa
  • Labor organizer
  • Youtuber
  • John F. Kennedy, 35th president of the United States of America
  • ENFP
  • I register as a BDSM
  • Weeaboo
  • Quitter on a shitter
  • Sorority sister
  • Fraternity frother
  • X
  • Matthew Morrison
  • Alexander Hamilton
  • Lin Manuel Miranda 
  • Kinnie
  • bro/broself
  • pittifulnews@gmail.com
  • Lesbian
    • I thought you were American???
  • Donald Trump’s toupee
    • What’s a toopee?
    • Nothin’, what’s it to you?
  • A tumblr account
  • Chocolate fondue
  • Fondled fondue
  • Kamala Harris
  • What is this Homestuck shit?
  • Cancer