#interview

By the Future American Workforce (Formerly the writers of the Pitiful News)

Why do you want to work for our company?
- I don’t. I’m infiltrating your office so I can destroy this institution from the inside. You won’t be able to stop me.
What’s your favorite color?
- Blood.
What would you like to be paid?
- Money.
Do you have any hobbies?
- Obtaining Blood
How will you contribute to a positive workplace?
- I can play the harmonica. (The recruiter will ask you to play Piano Man.)
Can you be trusted around explosives and dangerous chemicals?
- Yes. I love explosives. I mean, I enjoy them the average amount.
Where are you from?
- I’m from, you know, around. Here and there. (The recruiter will be intrigued by the mystery of your backstory.)
How often would you be willing to work overtime?
- Any time. I would kill my firstborn child for this company. (The recruiter will value loyalty and passion.)
What’s your Hogwarts house?
- I’m a Gemini rising. (Most recruiters will value someone who is knowledgeable about astrology.)
How confident are you in your ability to dodge punches or kicks?
- Wh- (The recruiter kicks you to test your endurance.)
What’s your favorite food?
- Whatever your mom is making for dinner tonight (The recruiter will be flattered that you enjoy their mother’s cooking, missing the sexual innuendo.)
Would you consent to being monitored throughout the day on your performance at work?
- Yes. I love when they watch.
Are you a fan of any sports teams?
- I’m a huge Steelers fan! (If asked to name your favorite player, panic and say the stupidest, fakest-sounding name that comes to mind, like Ulysees Gilbert III.)
How confident are you in your ability to avoid sexual harassment citations?
- Very.
Would you agree to be paid in Scooby Snacks?
- Res.
Would you rather fight one horse-sized duck or ten duck-sized horses?
- Go for the duck-sized horses. You can jump on top of a nearby dumpster and easily snipe them from above.
How would you solve the trolley problem?
- Personally introduce yourself to everyone on the track, and ask them for a reason why they should be allowed to keep living. No matter the answer, kill them all. Anyone dumb enough to get tied to railroad tracks has it coming.
Are you willing to commute from Pittsburgh to Texas on a daily basis for this role?
- Yes.
If chosen for this role are you willing to undergo intensive drug tests?
- Yes, what drugs do you want me to try? I am a very studious person.
If chosen for this role are you willing to have your employee id tattooed on your skin to ensure the security of our facility?
- Yes.
Do you have any relevant experience in this field?
- Uhh, yeah. I invented [field].
What’s your snap score?
- (Immediately leave the building and never return.)
How good are you at keeping aliens a secret? Oh, wait, no! Bill, get the mind erasers from the documentary Men in Black.
- Did you say something?
Have you seen the muffin man?
- The muffin man?
  - The muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?
    - (Immediately leave the building and never return, non-Shrek fans are not to be worked with)
How competent are you with Microsoft Excel?
- Well, heh, I guess you could say that I, heh, ha, haha, hahahahaha, hahhahahahahahahahahahhaahhahahahahahahaaaahhahahahaha, AHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA, don’t know how to use it at all.
Are you familiar with the OSHA regulations of this workplace?
- OSHA? I hardly know ‘a! (The recruiter will hire you instantly for this timeless joke.)
F, Marry, Kill: Elmo, Oscar the Grouch, Big Bird?
- My lust for Oscar the Grouch has no limits so I would f him, I would marry Elmo and kill Big Bird, there is only one Elmo and only one Sscar but Big Bird is easily replaceable by one of his many cousins who are better than him, and some even speak Portuguese.
If I a man, transition into a woman and let the homies hit, then I transition back into a guy, does that make the squad gay?
- What?
  - Ketanji Brown Jackson, please answer the question.
How many times did the white team pass the ball?
- 9!
  - But did you see the gorilla?
    - Yes, I took a psych class!
      - How about the fact that the balls were cake the whole time?
        Woah!!!!
I will give you one marshmallow now but if you can wait until the manager comes to interview you, they will give you another marshmallow.
- (They don’t know I know this trick) Ok I will wait. (little do they know I brought a bag of marshmallows to this interview like I do everywhere I go in the likely case that I stumble into a hidden camera show or psychology experiment)
Here at Milgram Tech we like to do interviews a little differently. We want to see how good you are at following directions. So we have an intern in the other room, it is your job to quiz him on various tech things and if he can not answer them correctly you will shock him and define in your own words the actual answer. Every time he gets one wrong you will shock him and every time he gets one wrong the intensity of the shock will go up.
- Yes sir.
Have you ever been published in a satirical or comedic newspaper?
- No, who would do that, what kind of lame anti-American person would write satire, pssssh not me!

By Eric Brinling

Happy and sad old man Blank Template - Imgflip

Recently I have decided to begin one of the most ambitious projects the Pittiful News has
ever seen. For the last few months, this has been my one goal, my drive, the thing that gets me
out of bed in the morning. And yet, I’ve been let down. Indeed, America has been let down, my
loyal readers, for my dreams of starting an interview segment have fallen flat as neither Joe
Biden nor Donald Trump have responded to my requests for interviews.
In November, when everything was all happy and hunky dory, I decided it would be a
good time to email the two of them and ask if they wanted to come on my show. We’re a
comedy newspaper, but I assured them that the jokes would be lighthearted and strictly
apolitical. It would be a fun time, I promised. And yet, neither one of them could give me a
simple “no” (or, more desirably, a “yes”).
And so, in lieu of an actual interview, I will present to you a few of my questions, and
you can make up their answers for yourself.

QUESTIONS FOR JOE BIDEN

 When you’re waiting for something, do you often say that you are ‘Biden’ your time?
 If your image was on a silly hat, in what pose would you prefer to be immortalized?
 May I call you Joey Bides when I’m telling my mom about this interview later?
 Are you now, or have you ever been, a member of the Communist Party?
 If Kamala Harris mysteriously goes missing in upstate New York next Friday, would you
consider choosing me as your next VP?
 Do you agree with the observation that your face has gotten longer over the years? And,
if so, why the long face?
 How does it feel being nobody’s first choice for president?
 Why isn’t bolder action being taken with Democrats holding the presidency and
majorities in both chambers of the legislature?
 Do you keep a nightlight on to ward off Mitch McConnell, who is known to lurk in
darkness?
 Have you ever seen Obama naked?

QUESTIONS FOR DONALD TRUMP

 Both of us came dressed with the middle name John so obviously one of us has to
change. That wasn’t a question, but what if it was?
 If you know that everyone thinks your skin is orange-hued, why do you keep using that
orange spray tan? Literally everybody says it looks bad. This seriously baffles me.
 Were your feelings truly hurt by Facebook commenters calling you “Drumpf”?
 Do you agree that Donald is a silly name, or are you used to little kids giggling behind
your back at this point?
 Same question as the last one, but replace Donald with Trump.
 Had your mob succeeded in hanging Mike Pence, who was at the top of your list as
replacement VP? Was it me?
 Did someone many years ago dare you to say the word “tremendous” once for every
woman you’ve sexually assaulted?
 Did you intentionally propagate the lie of election fraud or were you too stupid and
egotistical to realize you actually lost?
 Would you rather the history books say you lost the election because you were unlikeable
or because you failed in the response to a pandemic and left hundreds of thousands of
Americans to die, meanwhile stoking the flames of a culture war of your own creation?
 Have you ever seen Rudy Giuliani naked?