Horoscopes For the Week of 2/14

By Ella Mizera

Aries: Love can come from many pathways and avenues. And sewers and dark alleyways and dungeons, but people tend not to check those places.

Taurus: Candy hearts printed with demonic sigils seem like a harmless prank on your girlfriend until her scleras turn black and she starts crawling on ceilings. 

Gemini: This Valentine’s Day, skip the roses. Send something more thoughtful and personal. Paper-thin slices of my frontal lobe did the trick for me.

Cancer: Researchers haven’t yet isolated the “cuddle chemical” from our brains. They’re not sure it actually exists, but there has to be a reason behind the Montgomery Cuddle Riots of 1982.

Leo: Roses are red, violets are blue,  ̶̼̂ḭ̷̈́a̵̠͛!̶̲͌,̶͖̽ ̷̲͐ī̸̦ȧ̷̟!̸̠̂,̵̬̈́ ̵̗̃f̶͕̐’̵̩̇ţ̵̑a̴̖͒g̶̠̉ḥ̵̆n̷͔̄ ̸̭͊c̵̘͌t̵͓͗h̴̦͛ų̵̏l̴͍̅h̶̦̕u

Virgo: I love your blue eye/ And the smiles on your face/ And your three sets of arms/ For a three-fold embrace…

Libra: It’s not a codependent relationship if they’re living inside your small intestine.

Scorpio: The wetness in your ear just comes from a benevolent long-limbed night stalker. If your eyes stay closed, it’s almost like a kiss.

Sagittarius: Listen closely to the teddy bear, and you may hear a very gentle clacking of teeth inside.

Capricorn: Contrary to popular belief, snow is not the most romantic form of precipitation. It’s not even a form of precipitation at all!

Aquarius: Don’t drive between 5:42 and 6:42 tonight. The barrier is weak, and the form in the fog was not meant to be seen by your eyes. 

Pisces: Lift me up, asks your two-headed dog, so that I may see the stars one last time. Lift me high.

Your Weekly Horoscopes: February 1st – February 7th

By Ella Mizera

Aries: Sometimes it doesn’t matter how wide you open your eyes. There is still darkness outside.

Taurus: Have you ever really dreamed of a white christmas? If you have, please call me. I believe we may have met before.

Gemini: Wake up early and shovel your driveway. I don’t know what the powder covered it is, but it may be worthwhile to drop it off at a biohazard collection site.

Cancer: Blood is thicker than hot chocolate, but what they do have in common is being great to leave out for Santa Claus.

Leo: Winter has been a trying time for all of us. Purify yourself this holiday season via eggnog enema. 

Virgo: Dashing through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh may make for an entertaining chase scene, but the demons will outrun the horse eventually.

Libra: Do not attempt to pronounce the runes inscribed in your cranberry sauce. That sauce was shipped to the wrong dimension by accident. Don’t eat it, either.

Scorpio: While spending Christmas with family may increase your risk of spreading COVID-19, it’s helpful to have a blood sacrifice on hand in case Eldritch Saint Nick comes calling.

Sagittarius: Shut your bedroom window tightly tonight, no matter what the woman outside of it says.

Capricorn: Your relatives may not believe in the election results, but they’ll have to believe in the mythos if they want to make it out of your house alive.

Aquarius: Keep the magic alive for the kiddos. Steal Santa Claus’s face and graft it on over your own. 

Pisces: Make sure that the gift you give your loved ones is something near to their heart. An artery, perhaps.

What Nasty Holiday Food You Are Based On Your Zodiac Sign

By Savannah Teman

Your zodiac sign can say a lot about your personality, including what nasty holiday staple you resonate with.

• Capricorn – Jello Salad: The dessert your grandma brings out and it just looks like jello but you cut it open and there’s vegetables and mayonnaise in it, but the lime green jello and the whipped cream kinda make it better.

• Aquarius – SPAM Stuffing: You kinda don’t know what’s in it and it’s just a mess of everything your mom had leftover, but somehow always tastes pretty good anyways.

• Pisces – Green Bean Casserole: You take some every year just because it’s there and you think you’ll want it, but you eat two bites and then eat everything else instead. Usually someone else offers you a scoop of it.

• Aries – Cranberry Sauce *with Pulp*: It’s actually so good but nobody likes it, especially because it has actual cranberry chunks in it. Too tart to be dessert but too sweet to be dinner. Never fails to be at the table.

• Taurus – Flake Mashed Potatoes: They come from a box instead of handmade. You wish you liked them but they just don’t feel right, but you can tolerate it with some gravy

• Gemini – Mincemeat Pie: Is actually a dessert?? Sounds good but there’s BEEF in it! But sometimes there isn’t beef in it and it actually sounds kinda good.

• Cancer – Eggnog: tasty but it’s more just like eggy spiced milk.

• Leo – Kielbasa with Sauerkraut: Literally my favorite but nobody else likes it. Hard to find good kielbasa. Sauerkraut is good shut up. Leave me alone.

• Virgo – Canned Corn: doesn’t really do anything wrong. Very reliable. But also it’s from a can in a pool of corn water. Kinda gross when you think about it, but I still love it.

• Libra – Potatoes Au Gratin aka Scalloped Potatoes: Potatoes can’t do wrong, but they’re particularly slimy here. They just kinda do what they want. You can’t control them.

• Scorpio – Fruit Cake: Sounds lovely. I think it would taste good but I have no clue because I’ve never had it. Candied fruit is good. I want to enjoy it.

• Sagittarius – Corned Beef with Cabbage: actually nasty sorry. Just kinda random, like CORNED beef??? And cabbage? Why this combo and who decided it was a holiday staple. Just eat normal beef please. Spare us.

Horoscopes For the Week Of October 19th

By Ella Mizera

The autumn breeze has begun to set in, and in this period of transition it’s always helpful to keep an eye on the future.

Aries: You will reminisce on the futility of life this week, just as you have every other week this year. You can find an answer, but it will involve going to the Dunkin’ Donuts on Forbes and asking for Jim.

Taurus: Try using conditioner before shampoo. This isn’t a metaphor, I just want to know what happens if you do that.

Gemini: Your scrapbooking hobby will take a turn for the gruesome, so make sure to freshen the air before your roommate comes back and asks you why the room smells like blood.

Cancer: That window doesn’t lead outside. I don’t know where it goes, but it isn’t where you think it goes based on Euclidean geometry. Maybe that’s where they keep the frozen corpses of our previous deans?

Virgo: Have a friend over for dinner. Also, the meaning of life is written on page 42 of the closest textbook. I know, it’s weird.

Libra: Bernie Sanders will appear to you in dreams, asking for a sacrifice. What he asks of you is entirely dependent on your relationship with your mother.

Scorpio: What if my dog is just an ambulating mass of bees wearing a dog suit for Halloween? What if yours is too?

Sagittarius: The next few days will be hard. Substantially harder, as if they were somehow more solid than the last. Enjoy your liquid days while they last, for the freezer of God is merciless.

Capricorn: It’s time that we started going back to geocentrism, and you are the perfect leader for this intellectual uprising. Show NASA what’s up.

Aquarius: Throw a dart at the map. Wherever the dart lands, an unwitting animal will gain the ability to speak. It will revere you as a god, but you will never meet it. At least, I hope not.

Pisces: Eating a sticker seemed like a good idea at the time, I know, but what you didn’t foresee is that the adhesive would bind to the roof of your mouth. Please let me know if you’re okay.

Ophiuchus: You’ll fall in love.