By Savannah Teman
Pitt has decided that, with around 34,000 students, they will need to find a way to keep students socially distanced on campus. Reports say that the school has decided it wants to keep their students distanced enough to keep parents from worrying, but their main plan is to keep students closer so that they can increase cases of COVID-19. The increase in cases will be a good way for Pitt to be able to test its vaccines on students, as Pitt plans to be the first to develop the COVID-19 vaccine. Pitt has always had a tradition of discovering things, such as the ability to transmit human voices over radio waves, the panther mascot, and how to make students late to class with unnecessary construction. One thing Pitt is very well known for though, is their polio vaccine.
Pitt takes great pride in this accomplishment and wanted to have the same great mindpower that the team who created this vaccine had back in 1955. As a result, Pitt decided to clone Jonas Salk and his team and have them aid in the discovery of the COVID-19 vaccine. Before they did this though, they would have to successfully clone the entire team. This did not seem to be a challenge as many of the freshman who were on the team that accomplished this had SAT scores of over 1600. After the team cloned Salk, they knew it was a success and moved onto getting him to create the world’s first coronavirus vaccine. While they were at it, the cloning team decided to clone Gene Kelly, a Pitt graduate, just because he’s pretty.
Even with keeping students closer, such a large population of students hoping to get away from their families after 5 months of a lack of privacy will be very hard to contain in Pitt’s designated dorms. Their plan of action is to turn the Cathedral of Learning into a residence building, because of the ability to hold over 2,000 students in the building. And 4,000 if the rooms are split in half. But only 3,000 if 1 in every 4 rooms is turned into a communal bathroom. But potentially more if they put the port-a-johns outside instead. And even more if they put the students outside too. But anyways, every Pitt student will find that their move-in on July 15th will be an easy process, and all students will be told to take their shoes off, and then they and their items will be sprayed down with 100% bleach.