New Royalty-Free Christmas Songs Coming Out This Year (Before thanksGiving)

By The Writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the Pittiful Jews)

  • Dingle Smells
    • Bingle Shells
  • Santa Claus is coming to town, but not the part you live in 
  • WAP (Wet Ass Presents)
    • Bring a bucket and a mop, for these wet ass presents 
  • You better watch out, you better watch out, you better watch out, you better watch out 
  • Last Christmas (I Ripped Out Your Heart) 
  • I Saw Mommy Get Her Back Blown Out By Santa Claus
  • The Listmas Song
  • Santa Claus is leaving town 
  • She’ll be going around the mountain when she goes 
  • Do it now, lick it good, suck this _____ just like you should (acoustic version) 
  • Have Yourself A Terrible, Big Christmas 
  • Harley Quinn’s Jingling Bell Hat (The Movie: The musical: The series: The Song)
    • by 100 Gecs 
  • Caucasian Christmas
  • We met Parson Brown, he smells bad  
  • All I Want For Christmas is Jews, Baby
  • All I Want For Christmas is Juice, Baby
  • All I Want For Christmas is Moose Babies (they’re endangered!)
  • The Little Bummer Boy 
  • Away In A Hangar (The Pilot’s Christmas Carol) 
  • I got my Sleigh License last week, just like we always talked about
  • Grandma Sued the Reindeer  
  • Cocking Around the Christmas Tree
  • Talking Around The Christmas Tree (It’s a boring holiday)
  • Jingle Bell Cock 
  • I Want An Apex Predator For Christmas 
  • MistleHOE   
  • 10 Hours of My Dad Yelling At Me (The Untangling Lights Song) 
  • I’ll Be In The Dorms For Christmas 
  • Elf, the Elf Song 
  • Rudolph’s Noses by Owl City 
  • All I Wanda for Christmas by Vision 
  • Counting Presents by One Republic 
  • Baby Got Back (In Time For Christmas) 
  • Hey, Ghost of Christmas Future by Train 
  • Let’s Marvin Gaye and Get It On (Under the Mistletoe) 
  • Let’s Marvin Sleigh and Get It On
  • Moves Like Santa by Maroon 5 
  • Maps To Your House by Maroon 5 
  • Deers Like You by Maroon 5 dedicated to Rudolph  
    • Run round with Bucks like me till sundown
  • Milk and Cookies by Maroon 5 dedicated to Santa’s love for Sugar 
  • Frosty the Snowman had very lucrative toes 
    • Frosty the Toeman? 
  • Shape of Ewe by Ed Sheepran 
  • Kiss Me (Under the Mistletoe) Baby One More Time by Britney Spears
  • Kiss Me (Under the Mistletoe) Like You Wanna Be Loved by Ed Sheeran 
  • Church Town Funk by Bruno Mars
  • Upward (the Christian dating app) Town Funk by Bruno Mars
  • Christ’s Team by Ed Sheeran 
  • All About That Baste by Meghan Trainor 
  • Memories of Christmas Past by Maroon 56 dedicated to Ebenezer Scrooge  
  • When I Taste Eggnog by Dan and Shay
  • All I Want For Christmas by Olivia Rodrigo, playing Nini in High School the Musical the Series
    • The Series: The Musical: The High School: The Nini
  • 24 Karat Nights of Christmas by Bruno Mars
  • We Found Christ by Rihanna
  • Can you hurry sir, moma’s not got much time, for me to buy her christmas casket
  • Old Town Church by Lil Nas X
  • Call Me JC by Carly Rae Jepsen
  • God’s Plan by Drake
  • The Hanukkah song by Adam Snadler 

What the Writers of the Pitiful News did with our Long Labor Day Weekend

By the Writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the United Pittiful News Laborers of America Party (U P N LAPs))

Sep 6 | Happy Labor Day 2021 | Middletown, CT Patch
  • Labored
  • Went into labor. Like, with a child. Children, in fact– we now have twins
  • Played Tree #3… in a forest
  • Dropped all of my classes
  • Streamed “Certified Lover Boy” 61 million times
  • Your mother, of course 
  • Double dutch 
  • Double homicide 
  • Cried. Slowly and softly. 
  • Jumped in slow motion, just like in the movies! 
  • Sniffed my cat in a respectful way
  • Removed bodily autonomy from millions of people  
  • Bought an NFT of a TikTok 
  • Bought a TikTok of an NFT 
  • Cosplayed as Ted Cruz 
  • “Nation-building” 
  • Listened to Linkin Park on repeat until my body began vibrating 
  • Got kicked out of Ribfest for trying to sell human ribs  
  • Got kicked out of Welsfest for trying to sell artesian wells
  • Saw this weird person having some kind of music-induced seizure 
  • Had some pretty good hummus 
  • Adopted a baby for a YouTube video that didn’t even do that well 
  • Kissed my cats’ little white socks
  • Said hi to my dad  
  • Sucked on my cats’ toes 
  • Tried to sleep overnight at Walmart, but an employee caught me hiding behind the toilet paper rolls
  • Showed up to the Pitt v. UMass game in a Jets jersey 
  • Created the first flipbook porno 
    • Created the first flipbook Mario x Sonic porno
  • Invented the first solar-panelled flashlight
  • Gave a Ted Talk on why dunce caps should be brought back
  • Leaked Dean Bonner’s emails
    • Leaked Dean Bonner’s nude emails
  • Photoshopped a mullet onto the Fairy Godmother from Shrek 2
  • Stayed until the end of the Pitt v. UMass game because I am chronically addicted to any sporting event, no matter how grotesque in score 
  • Forgot all the words to Sweet Caroline 
    • BUM BUM BUM
  • Explored each others’ bodies
  • Became the first person to fit Cathy up my arse
  • Switched up the arrows in Ikea and watched people walk in circles
  • A bunch of my friends from orientation week went up to the top floor of Cathy! So cool to be in the Cathy Club! 
  • Watched the first and last episodes of every anime 
  • Hacked into the Pentagon with my Nintendo DS Lite
  • Tweeted from the GameBoy color in Pharaoh Tutankhamen’s tomb 
  • Posted an affirmation so people think I’m endearing and approachable
    • Or submissive and breedable, that works too
  • Scrolled through the Pitt Missed Connections Instagram hoping, begging that someone saw me on the street and thought I was cool. Not that I care.
  • Dug a big hole in the ground 
  • Nutted in a water balloon 
  • I tattooed a wall (I forgot the word for it)
  • Watered my nut balloon so he grows up big and strong
  • Walked around Forbes in 70s style clothes so people think I am a quirky time traveller
  • Fucked ur mom, again
  • Killed a straight man

How the writers of the Pittiful News spent their MLK day

By the writers of the Pittiful news

Monday January 18, 2021 is MLK Day, a Day of Service ...
  • I went to therapy. 
  • I successfully walked out of therapy and did not immediately stop to buy myself a celebratory $5 iced coffee.
  • I brushed some teeth.  Not mine but we’ll get there eventually. 
  • I got to third base with my cat.
    • That just means we held hands, god get your minds out of the gutter
  • I got physically trapped in my room because my mom and I wedged a sofa into the doorframe. We had to saw off my legs to save me.
  • I got my coffee paid for at Dunkin (including the 50 cents added for oatmilk) and declined when asked if I wanted to pay it forward.   
  • I watched racists from my high school post MLK quotes. It’s like “I have a dream” but the dream is a McMansion, poor taste in jewelry, getting belligerently drunk at your kid’s Little League game, and a husband that you hate. 
  • I walked my obese 12 year-old labradoodle to Cathy
  • I blocked my aunt on Facebook
  • I watched clips of old Comedy Central roasts.
  • I thought about buying my textbooks but still didn’t :/
  • I went on a hike and dropped a fruit snack in the mud
  • My friend offered to sneak out of her family bonding time to see me
  • I ate deli turkey in front of my open fridge.
  • I choked on deli turkey in front of my open fridge.
  • I cleaned regurgitated deli turkey off of my open fridge. 
  • I had a gay thought.
  • I ate peas out of the can with a fork while on a zoom call.
  • I added someone on facebook that I met in the teens club on a Norwegian cruise in 2016. 
  • Admired a banana sticker
  • I withdrew my Pitt housing for the spring so I could use the money to put towards a rhinoplasty. 
  • I made an appointment to get a dye job to repair my botched dye job from two weeks ago.
  • I unmatched a couple of guys on Tinder just to feel like I was controlling the controllables.  Right as we were making plans, too.  How sad!
  • Made a wok full of scrambled eggs for dinner
  • I made a new Pinterest account so people who have my main pinterest account couldn’t see the boards I create.  Now I know you can make boards private.  You live and you learn.
  • I ghosted the Nigerian guy in my DMs, again
  • Planned to become a widower. I have the ex husband, now I have to decide how I am going to murder him.  
  • Slept in.
  • Watched the Inauguration.
  • Kidnapped several children.
  • I watched this video.
  • I went into a dark alleyway and asked someone nicely if I could have their wallet, by asked nicely I mean I stabbed them and then held a sterile cloth to their wound to apply pressure and make it bleed less, I ended up getting their wallet but they went and died on me, so now I am a wanted criminal, which is not new but it would have been nice if it had taken a bit longer into the new year. 
  • Committing various war crimes 
  • Got shot while standing on a balcony  

0ur $3cr3t $@nt@ VV1sh L1st

By Lord Tyler Sikov, Savannah Teman, and Sarah Yule

5 best tools to organize your Secret Santa gift exchange - Komando.com

Confidential, for santa’s eyes only

  • Dog head mask 
  • Viagra for women
  • Claritin-D for men
  • DIY milk bath
  • Winter Candy Apple candle from Bath and Body Works
  • Debt forgiveness
  • Clairo
  • Fish sticks; my parents refuse to buy them for me after the choking incident of ‘05 
  • A new bathtub; it still reeks of fish sticks after the choking incident of ‘05
  • A new tub of Miralax; it’s the secret ingredient in the best cup of hot cocoa you’ll ever have
  • Some new stand-up specials
  • The resurgence of an unmoderated Tumblr
  • A new tub of Cyanide; it’s the secret ingredient in the last cup of hot cocoa you’ll ever have
  • The feeling of listening to Ariana Grande’s 34+35 for the first time 
  • Cats
  • Cats on blu-ray
  • Kittens in mittens
  • True love
  • 1 partridge in a pear tree
  • 2 turtle doves
  • 3 silver rings
  • 4 bags of cat hair
  • 5 new Ed Sheeran songs
  • 6 additional wishes 
  • 7 spoons of mashed potatoes
  • 8 maps to the new world
  • 9 howler monkeys
  • 10 court jesters 
  • 11 offshore bank accounts
  • 12 selfies with Mr. Noodle’s brother Mr. Noodle from the Elmo show
  • Froot Loops
  • The Country 
  • Country Crock
  • The Lööp
  • For Gritty to notice me 
  • Happiness 
  • Jackbox 8
  • A vegan ice cream cake
  • More cats 
  • Vegan milk chocolate, like seriously just use one of the many vegan milks, it is not that hard
  • An additional spoon of mashed potatoes 
  • A chinchilla  
  • And a partridge in a pear tree 

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