Home Improvement Tips for New Homeowners

By Lord Tyler and Savannah 

  • Put all of your pillows on one side of the couch so when you take a depression nap you can kick all of them on the floor at once 
  • Alternately, arrange all the pillows throughout the room for when you want to have an angry hallmark movie scene where you swipe them all onto the floor 
  • Stock your fridge with lunchables because making food is unrealistic  
  • Feng Shui is bullshit. If you want prosperity just stop buying fake plants, idiot.
  • Take your shoes off when you come inside. At least somewhere. Maybe by the door, or like in the shower. Just don’t sleep in them please. You don’t live in a pineapple. 
  • Get cats
  • Remove all carpets because cats are a nightmare
  • Murder the previous owners, it is your house now you must assert dominance
  • Totally wreck the place, it is your house now you must show dominance  
  • The entire house is your toilet, it is your house now you must show dominance 
  • Put up your favorite flag that has a blue cross with stars on it, it is best if the background is red 
  • Cover the walls in your blood, it is your house now, you must show it who’s boss  
  • Use sage and crystal to cleanse the space 
    • For reference Sage and Crystal are prostitutes that squat in your house  
  • Start WWIII
  • Lick some of the walls that you have not covered with your blood, to show your house that you are in control  
  • Don’t mix silvers and golds