What companies are selling for Pride month

By the writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the Pittifulgbt News)

  • Acceptance: $5.99 a month!
  • Rights: $10.99 a month! 
  • Mario Kart but only rainbow road for DSi: $16.89 
  • Rainbow themed Kamala Harris campaign stickers: $0.99 + shipping
  • Rainbow colored miralax. $16.50 a scoop
  • Classic lesbian Subaru: $23,000, only $1400 down!
    • I thought it was american
  • Country Crock lubricant: $.30 
  • Gay shirt for gay people: $12
  • A brand new weiner dog: $150 not including rainbow colored crate 
  • Diapers for all that gay sex: $12.50 a pack
    • I know nothing about gay sex 
  • Rainbirkencrocs. $130.00. 
  • My lesbian wardrobe. 10 bucks. 
  • Pete Buttigieg 2024 posters: Free with your vote!
  • The confirmation of new Lorde music in 2021: $0.00
  • Chromatica oreo flavored vodka $99 (as in “there could be 100 people in a room and 99 of them don’t believe in you—”)
  • Goodwill+ Membership: $4.99 per month
  • T-shirts with Tyler Oakley’s face on them. 50% off for those of us that were victims of his nature box ads.
  • The Amazing Book is Not on Fire: $50.00 hard, $40.00 soft
  • Markiplier coming out video. No ads.
  • Mr. Beast coming out. 2 ads at the beginning and one sponsorship.
  • Pride candles in random assorted fruity scents. $16.99. 
  • Fruity Pebbles: $2.59 
  • A never before released version of Star Wars where Poe and Finn kiss. Cost: having to watch all of the queerbaiting in the original one. 
  • New Twenty One Pilots album: more than it should be
  • Rainbow Swastikas made out of the L’s from LGBT: 50 Billion dollars
    • I’m looking at you, Musk
  • Chanel No.1-866-488-7386: Free
  • Rainbow MAGA hat: $20.24
  • Another movie about 1800s depressed lesbians on a rocky island that like to paint. Cost: The age gap between the romantic leads is 35 years. 
  • Ryan Murphy’s retirement. Cost: He will only stop after we let him make his reboot of Glee ft. Lea Michelle.
  • A new streamlined fanfiction service where you can view stories from all of the websites and put them into one library: priceless 
  • Representation: $14,000 in Disney stock options
  • RuPaul Fracking Empire: $13.7 million
    • RuPaul fracks! #yas #slay
  • The Most Unexpected Revelation From RuPaul's Recent NPR Interview? He Might  Be Fracking – Texas Monthlyrupaulfracking hashtag on TwitterTypes of Burns: RuPaul is Fracking by Kyle Carrero Lopez | Frontier Poetry  - Exploring the Edges of Contemporary Poetry 
  •  ^ this image: 15 brajillion dollars
  • Pride pods (pride themed Tide Pods): $15.99
    • Looks more like candy
    • Might eat
  • Pride flag Laptop Stickers: $2.50 for 10-pack

I’m a closeted homo

By Lord Tyler Sikov

"Pride Cats" by theoceanowl | Redbubble

               It has been more than 6 months since I came back from the Orlando Pride Parade. I wrote an article about my adventures there if you would like to know more. Since my return I have been feeling a bit out of place. I feel like I am not truly me. I did some research online and I discovered I am without a doubt a homo. At this point I am a closeted homo because I am worried what my family will do if they find out. They are not the most accepting, they believe themselves above everyone and hardly ever offer words of encouragement for those less fortunate.

               I know that they will not react well to me being a homo, but I will have to tell them at some point. I love them and they have their own way to show their love for me. For some context I have a mom, a dad, 2 brothers, and a sister. My sister is rather shy and could be called a chicken so I know she will take whichever side has the most people on it. After a while she will accept me because I always comfort her whenever there are big loud noises.  My brother that is 2 years older than me will probably try to find a way to convince me I am wrong, probably telling me I just need to have a drink, take a bath, or eat some greens and then throw up to feel cleansed. If I can convince him that this is the way I am he will try to find a solution, a way to turn me back. But after a while he will come to his senses and will let me live the way I was meant to. My other brother, with his ginger hair, is much more understanding. I will convince him with my first confession. He has assured me that he will love me no matter what, especially because I help clean up after him and I help with his chores.  He is also the sibling that spends the most time in my room, he may even spend more time in there than I do.

               My parents will be a different story. I discovered a few years ago that I was adopted. But so were all of my siblings. My parents could not have children so they adopted four. A ginger boy, a raven black haired girl, a hazel eyed boy, and then me. They adopted me without knowing that I would turn out to be a glasses wearing homo. Some people will say that I look a bit like my father, and while I see it, I am the odd ball out of the family.

            I must say, it clicks, like it all clicks. This explain why I always dress different than the rest of my family. Me being a homo is why I am a much neater eater. The rest of my family are rather animalistic when they eat. I have a vastly different cleaning system and schedule, I am no where near as flexible as the rest of my family, and I am the only one capable of opening most jars in our house.

            I will just have to come out and say it.

            I will have to come out of my closet, another thing that I have that my family does not.

            I am a homo.

            I am a homosapien.

            My family are all cats, I am a homosapien, and I don’t know where to go from here.

What we are going to Wish for on the Wishbone this Thanksgiving

By the writers of the Pittiful News

85 best Snoopy images on Pinterest | Peanuts characters ...
  • Happiness 
    • I’d settle for any emotion though. I just want to feel something. 
  • Herlock Sholmes
  • Stockholmes Syndrome
  • Riverdale to be cancelled  
  • For shifting realities to be real so I can live out my script of living in a suburb of Las Vegas with my problematic fav, Brendon Urie 
  • For them to make really good vegetarian chicken wings that taste like the real thing. I miss chicken wings.  
  • To be able to have had my gay awakening at a Lizzo concert 
  • Mom and Dad to stop fighting  
  • A Spencer Reid spinoff series
  • All I want for Thanksgiving is you
  • Parents that are down for a ketamine hole 
  • Someone to hold my hand  
  • Someone who understands me
  • A coronavirus vaccine in the form of a chewy vitamin
  • Doc martins to go out of style and easy slip on slip off shoes to come back 
  • Wish for more cats like I do every year
  • Wish that less turkeys will die next year
    • This wish will be made on a tofurky bone
  • Good food, Thanksgiving food sucks, I need some actually good food or I will die, and you will die with me
  • Soup, I am a simple man, with simple needs, I just want soup.  
  • For Bella Hadid to stop existing so I can go back to being happy
  • A cool pair of socks :) 
  • Everyone to stop aggressively hating my doppelganger, Joey King for no reason. I can’t help but take it personally. 
  • Canned peas, not warmed
  • For Joe Biden to respond to my request to interview him
  • To wrestle with Dwayne the Rock Johnson
  • Help on my math homework, i need to get my scientific calculator say more funny non boob related words
    • 455 looks like *ss
  • For society at large to realize that calories are a social construct and definitely not a unit of energy involved in the laws of thermodynamics
  • To find $15 dollars in my coat pocket  
  • A dealer to fall in love with me so I don’t have to pay for oui’d 
  • Less gun deaths, idk guys that was a throwaway
  • My final papers to be written for me as I just look at my phone for 6 hours a day instead of putting in any effort at all
  • J.K. Rowling to stop being a transphobe so I can openly enjoy Harry Potter again. 
  • For our reptilian overlords to put us out of our collective misery
  • For people to stop believing that we are ruled by reptilian overlords. 
  • For less militias to patrol the streets so we can go back to the good old days of gang violence.  
  • For men to stop waking up and choosing violence 
  • The trial of Will Scheuster to finally happen. He must pay for his sins. 
  • Another wishbone
    • With which I will wish for another
      • And another
        • And another
          • And so on
            • Forever
              • Best wish ever
  • Gen-z to shut up about how great gen-z is. 
  • Charli to reach 100 million followers on tik tok. Idk I’m just rooting for her. 
  • A meghan trainor christmas album…wait, that wish came true! A Very Trainor Christmas is now available on all streaming platforms. 
  • A real life cat girl 

Things You Could Buy With the Money You’re Saving by Not Having a Wedding

By: Abby Stoudt

Great news LGBT community! In light of Justice Barret being appointed to the Supreme Court, I’m making a list of all the fun things we can buy instead of paying for a wedding. So, instead of dropping 30 grand on a wedding, you can now afford:

  1. 2,727 frog shaped coin purses
  2. An unlimited amount of Turning Point USA activism kits whose pins you can then repurpose with $30,000 worth of Posca markers (While we’re dropping $30,000 we might as well buy the good stuff)
  3. 600 pairs of rainbow crocs
  4. A brand new Subaru
  5. 428 Seinfeld boxed sets
  6. 131 Bokuto plushies (but the huge one because again, we’re treating ourselves, LGBT community <3)
  7. 600 Iconic Milk Bar birthday cakes
  8. Roughly 7,500 of my go-to Starbucks order: A grande iced coffee with sweet cream and 3 pumps of white mocha
  9. 1,666 copies of the Trolls Soundtrack on vinyl and 428 record players to listen to it on
  10. 1,578 tapestries that depict Robert Pattinson standing in his kitchen

Well, I hope this helps because you all know what they say: retail therapy is a valid form of therapy.

But on a more serious note everyone, we’re showing the jokes the door for a moment, I know that times feel really rough right now but we will make it through this together. I love you <3.