By Lord Tyler Sikov
So, you might be thinking why is he being so open about this, that is a federal offence. But I am telling you all this because I trust you. Also, I have publicized many other treasonous acts, so if they are coming to get me, they will do it one way or another. I will start with that, yes, I did illegally cast 2 votes in the 2016 election. During that election I was not old enough to vote for real, so I had to get creative with how I got alone time with one of those sweet voting machines. In the past when I had committed voter fraud, I went to the polling location with my parents and while there I pretended to play with those fake voting machines. While I played with those toys, I provided enough of a distraction for me to signal my ninjas without anyone noticing. Comically, I voted for then host of the Celebrity Apprentice, a show I executive produced at the age of 8, Donald Trump, 7 times in 2008. At that time, I thought he was just a goofy guy who was friends with my favorite magician Penn Gillette. I could have never expected that after receiving only 7 votes, he would decide to run for president 8 years later. In 2012, before I realized the power my illegal votes held, I voted for a different candidate for president. I voted 39 times for ISIS, and I realize now that based on my previous success at guessing future candidates, I should have been more careful. I apologize for my past indiscretions. So, I decided I would make up for it in 2016 when Trump announced his run after sending me a letter thanking me.
In 2016 I went to two separate polling locations to make sure all of my illegal votes were counted equally. The first polling location I went to was well guarded, to get in and vote I had to answer a few riddles such as: what is your name, can you sign here, what is 3 times 6, “I run but never walk and I have a bed but never sleep”, what is your voter registration number. I just answered “river” for all of these questions, which confused the poll watchers but they guessed that turning river into numbers would give them my voter registration number. This worked because many years prior I had murdered someone named river and assumed their identity for the purpose of voting in this election. I got through and stole the voting block key thing and voted twice for: Donatello the ninja turtle (President), Yertle the turtle (Vice President), The tortoise who beat the hare (Governor, he lost to Tom Wolf, so I still got an animal elected), and Crush from finding Nemo (Australian ambassador).
Once I left that polling spot, I knew I would need help to pull off my next mission. So, I pulled some strings with my contacts in the many Narco states to our south and got myself a lot of Latin American Asylum seekers, illegal immigrants, mafia members, and other assorted rapists, criminals, and good/bad hombres to help me with my task. We all went to a polling place and I used the skills I picked up at hypnotism camp to have the workers and voters let us pass and cast our votes. All said and done, we cast over 3 million votes for Hillary Clinton. I then sent an email to Trump to inform him that I brought a bunch of illegal immigrants to vote for his opponent and he thanked me for giving him a scapegoat to blame if he lost.
In the most recent election, the 2020 Presidential election, I voted only once. As I am now old enough to vote legally, I decided I would hang up my voter fraud suspenders, yes I was wearing suspenders this whole time, rethink what you imagine a felon who casts illegal votes looks like. I plan to pass on my skills of disrupting the democratic process to my kids one day, but until then, I suppose I will live under either the radical socialist government the Right seems to think will happen or the barely change government under Biden that the Left envisions. Also, if you live in Georgia remember to vote in this upcoming runoff, I would never try to influence who you vote for, just don’t let it be a turtle, any other animal is ok, there are already too many turtles in the senate.