University of Pittsburgh Dining Hall Gets Name Change

By Molly Brown

As of October 1, 2022, The Eatery at Towers will now go by the name of The Shittery. This name change comes after multiple gastroenterologists at the University of Pittsburgh Medical Center came together to talk about various University of Pittsburgh students coming to them about no longer needing IBS medication on account of no longer experiencing symptoms.

Three of the medical miracle first-year students consented to interviews with The Pitiful News. Their names have been redacted to protect the sanctity of their bowels and their dignities.

The first student admitted to eating at The Eatery once or twice a day during Welcome Week and once a day every week since. They said they went from “two quality shits every three days to three fulfilling shits a day.” They also stated that their frequent abdominal pain has “completely subsided.” When asked about their favorite dish the student said they really enjoyed the stir fry noodles from Crave Global. They said that the overwhelming amounts of sodium made them feel like they “were back home on the beach.” Nothing like a little extra MSG to kickstart your afternoon.

The second student commented on no longer having the need to “immediately defecate.” He said he could not be more relieved that he no longer experiences frequent indigestion and nausea.  This student said that their trips to The Eatery have been more frequent as he has noticed a decline in his symptoms. His favorite meal this year has been the Pesto Pizza at Cucina. “The deep green color is comforting,” he stated. He wished not to comment on what the florescent cuisine did to his stool.

Finally, the third student said that The Eatery has been the only form of treatment that has ever worked for her. Her prior experiences with “various medications, including various laxatives, antidiarrheal, and antibiotics as well as common at-home treatments like a high fiber diet and stress management” have “not even come close” to the effects she is experiencing since moving to Oakland. Her favorite meal of the year has been the “marinated pork” from the 446 Diner (this dish is also known by the names “shmeat” and “mystery meat”).

We would also like to congratulate Dr. Carla Panzella, the University of Pittsburgh’s Dean of Students, for becoming the number one shareholder in Procter & Gamble stock. The campus’s recent skyrocket in Pepto-Bismol sales at The Market at Towers and the Forbes Street Market made the purchase a no-brainer for the school representative. The purchase of the stock will be a factor in the tuition increase for the 2023 fall semester.

What the Writers of The Pittiful News did in this historic week we just had:

By the Writers of The Pittiful News (Try to match the activity to the writer, hint, some are easier than they seem)

1. Made the granola bar equivalent of a brick by not reading and following the recipe
2. Ate lo mein in the rain 
3. Nearly passed out from cry laughing so violently at Dean Winchester’s reaction to Castiel’s confession
4. Watched all three seasons of Scream Queens with zero minutes of sleep betwixt the episodes 
5. Watched as a Husky and a Corgi attempted to make sweet sweet love in the middle of Schenley Plaza.  I simply could not look away.  
6. Attended Ann E. Cudd’s rager last weekend. Girl is a beast at pong.
7. Kissed the woman who complimented my glasses at work passionately
8. I went to a halloween party held by my church group. At this party a friend of mine did not want to participate in the festivities for fear that it would be considered demon worship. This was unfortunate because I really needed more people to help me complete the circle for the demon worship I was planning. I at least got a virgin sacrifice out of her :)
9. Made a new sad Spotify playlist to celebrate the new Sam Smith album and then created an even sadder, more concentrated playlist of despair that contains only the 3 saddest bops of Sam Smith’s new album and A Whole New World from Aladdin.  
10. Tested positive for covid after licking all of my dearest friends ;)
11. Put all of my cool sweaters back in storage because some freak decided to make it 75 degrees in November
12. Found Hillman Library
13. Suffered a debilitating mental breakdown upon the realization that I have to live with my parents again for two months
14. I crushed my astronomy essay. Literally, it came to life and tried to escape to space. I cast a spell to make it come to life, but I was naive enough to think that made me its master. They stole my laptop and began hacking into NASA to determine where the nearest space port was. My essay, Essme (yes you need to name them), found a space shuttle and took off. The topic of this essay was a journey to mars, and detailed the flight path, what pilots would do on the long trek, and how to fly the rocket. Thus Essme had all they needed to escape my clutches. When I determined this I knew that I had to catch them before they could pass the moon, so I built my own rocket ship. Luckily, i knew all of the info in the essay i was writing so i was prepared. I beat Essme to the moon and I used the giant magnets I brought to pull their ship out of flight, then I used a car crusher to crush Essme. As they lay in my arms, wrinkled and destroyed Essme told me they loved me and apologized for the trouble they had caused me. I apologized to them as well, told them I loved them too, and as is tradition, I placed them gently inside of an envelope and licked it sealed, knowing that I had sealed the kindest and most amazing soul I had ever known inside, never to see them again. Luckily, i passed my essay with flying colors because my professor saw me build a rocket and fly to the moon, proving that i understood what a space flight required. 
15. I sheltered in place like I was supposed to do, cause I make money moves. While inside I sent in my mail in ballot for our new WAP (White Ass President). I then went to the year 3000, everybody lived underwater, and your great great great granddaughter was doing fine, until I infected her with Corona, I guess COVID-3000 is going to be a real hit.
16. Picked up my free coffee at wawa <3

Writers

1. Rick Moranis
2. Joseph Raisinet Biden the 46th 
3. Benedict Cumberbuns
4. Wendy from Wendy’s
5. Abby Stoudt
6. Evan Rafferty
7. Sarah Yule
8. Tyler Sikov
9. Savannah Teman
10. Abby Morgan
11. Eric Brinling
12. One of the California Raisins
13. My cousin Kyle
14. Giant Eagle’s President of Marketing
15. Papa John
16. Another one of the California Raisins