Lesser known things that went on during the January 6th Insurrection

By the writers of the Pitiful News (formerly the Pittiful Coups, oh, wait, I already made this joke, and there was literally an attempted coup)

  • It was a little chilly.
  • I became your dad.
  • Donald Trump was rebooted to the latest version of iPresident 
  • Shrimp colors were added to the human eye but only for, like, five seconds
    • I thought that was just the LSD I did
  • Sellers of the confederate flag suddenly got very excited 
  • Half-Life 3 was released
  • PETA started raiding D.C. houses and euthanizing goldfish where there were not easily accessible outdoor cats to get their grubby little PETA paws on.
  • I brushed my teeth with my sister’s toothpaste by accident.
  • George Washington briefly came back to life, looked around, said “Fuck this shit”, and promptly died again.
  • They rubbed shit all over the walls
  • Rosanne Barr announced a mayoral run in a Blair Witch style video from Nancy Pelosi’s desk
  • Your mom fell for a multi-level marketing scheme.
  • Thousands of Americans went back to the store to return Christmas gifts
  • Dozens of men discovered the prostate.
  • They burned down the White House… oh wait sorry that was 1814.
  • My phone connected to my car’s bluetooth speaker when my dad went to warm up my car and he discovered that I was listening to an ASMR mukbang on Trisha Paytas’s 18,000th channel: No Talky Trish ASMR.  He was concerned.  
  • The Capitol Building briefly went into giant robot mode before being shut down by an administration that did not want it to defend itself.
  • A wise guru in the Himalayas attained enlightenment, then promptly lost it when he turned on the tv.
  • Donald Trump enjoyed a round of miniature golf with his strangely tall son Barron between his incitement of the insurrection and his tweet “condemning” the insurrection.
  • I found my fried pierogies, they were in the pockets I put them in, my pants from the one time I went to vegas over a decade ago
  • A lone chess player stood between the insurrectionists and the House of Representatives. The insurrectionists had to win a game of chess before they could go on into the chamber. The old chess player, dressed in white robes, exclaimed “You shall not en passant!” before beating every single one of them. Truly heroic.
  • Cupid Shuffle 2 came out 
  • I found my iPod Shuffle
  • Another coup happened in the Central African Republic 
  • Every 60 seconds, a minute passed in Africa
    • With your help we can stop this
  • You guys are not gonna believe this but people threatened democracy 

Everybody’s got something to hide except me and my frisbee!

By Eric Brinling

Let me confide in you, my loyal reading public: I’m scared. I’m really scared. I might even go so far as to say that I’m downright frightened. Maybe not quite terrified, but it’s getting there. I’m on the cusp of terrifism. It’s a horrifying state to be in.

    I went outside today – which alone is newsworthy – to find a brave new world. Everyone around me, from the garbage man to the construction worker to fancy lady Francine “la damme française” Laderoute and even Fanny and Lady, her dogs, were wearing masks. Even the sidewalk had a mask on it, suggesting that it too was in on the plot. I longed to return to the safety of my closet, but I put on a brave face. I had made a commitment to several strangers that I had met on the r/Pitt subreddit that I would meet them to toss around a frisbee, like normal college students are supposed to do. 

    To my horror, they too were wearing masks. How did they expect to catch any frisbees? With their hands? 

    They just stared at me judgingly. I glanced nervously between them. One of them, a tall boy with astonishingly short legs and a disproportionate torso to make up for it, and a very large, ugly head with eyes that seemed to be two different sizes and ears that seemed to be two different shapes, one like a boat and the other like a camera, and hair that seemed to have been styled in the form of an elliptic paraboloid – what was I saying? Anyway, this guy seemed to be the least judgmental and kindest of the group, so I tossed my frisbee at him.

    Surprisingly nimble for his little dachshund legs, he dodged away and said, “Dude, we’re not frizzing with you if you aren’t going to wear a mask.”

    What were they all hiding behind the masks? I guess I had been in that closet for a long time. Do people still have mouths? Are mouths taboo? Did some serial fruit-placer go around putting orange slices in mouths across Pittsburgh, creating a need to cover one’s mouth constantly in fear of the orange slice placer? Or maybe aliens have invaded, and they were able to replicate every part of the human body except for the mouth, and I’m the only real human left? But then why would they want me to wear a mask, shouldn’t they want to keep me marked as a true human for future brain autopsies or for a spare member on their Wednesday night human pop culture pub trivia team?

    Whatever it was they were hiding, I knew I had no similar need to wear a mask. I felt my mouth to make sure it wasn’t replaced with a garbage disposal or a plastic bag or a mirror or something and, finding my mouth wet and squishy as usual, picked up my frisbee and went home. I don’t think I’ll come out again for another few months, maybe masks will be out of fashion by then.

Horoscopes For the Week Of October 19th

By Ella Mizera

The autumn breeze has begun to set in, and in this period of transition it’s always helpful to keep an eye on the future.

Aries: You will reminisce on the futility of life this week, just as you have every other week this year. You can find an answer, but it will involve going to the Dunkin’ Donuts on Forbes and asking for Jim.

Taurus: Try using conditioner before shampoo. This isn’t a metaphor, I just want to know what happens if you do that.

Gemini: Your scrapbooking hobby will take a turn for the gruesome, so make sure to freshen the air before your roommate comes back and asks you why the room smells like blood.

Cancer: That window doesn’t lead outside. I don’t know where it goes, but it isn’t where you think it goes based on Euclidean geometry. Maybe that’s where they keep the frozen corpses of our previous deans?

Virgo: Have a friend over for dinner. Also, the meaning of life is written on page 42 of the closest textbook. I know, it’s weird.

Libra: Bernie Sanders will appear to you in dreams, asking for a sacrifice. What he asks of you is entirely dependent on your relationship with your mother.

Scorpio: What if my dog is just an ambulating mass of bees wearing a dog suit for Halloween? What if yours is too?

Sagittarius: The next few days will be hard. Substantially harder, as if they were somehow more solid than the last. Enjoy your liquid days while they last, for the freezer of God is merciless.

Capricorn: It’s time that we started going back to geocentrism, and you are the perfect leader for this intellectual uprising. Show NASA what’s up.

Aquarius: Throw a dart at the map. Wherever the dart lands, an unwitting animal will gain the ability to speak. It will revere you as a god, but you will never meet it. At least, I hope not.

Pisces: Eating a sticker seemed like a good idea at the time, I know, but what you didn’t foresee is that the adhesive would bind to the roof of your mouth. Please let me know if you’re okay.

Ophiuchus: You’ll fall in love.