What Students Will Be Allowed To Do Now That Classes Are Flexible (for a Limited Time Only)

By the Writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the Knittiful News)

Flex @ Pitt: Classroom Experiences | Office of the Provost ...

In person

  • Wear shoes
  • Buy one TA, get the second one half off 
  • Students are expected to zoom into classes during bathroom breaks
  • Lick your professor on his shiny bald head   
  • Distribute pictures of your own Tinder profile
  • Get yelled at for eating in class
  • Pass notes like the good old days
  • Cry
  • Awkwardly ask people to join the groupme irl
  • Awkwardly ask people to join reality in the groupme
  • Sit in the front of the class only to play tetris during the entire lecture
  • Hide your daily after-lunch boner
  • Make up your own language 
  • Bring your dog to eat the classwork
  • Bring your dog to eat the professor
  • Advertise my LinkedIn profile in-person: https://www.linkedin.com/in/eric-brinling-0044b11b8/ 
  • Audition for the lead role 
  • Purposefully don’t answer your teacher’s questions, forgetting you’re not on mute
  • Arson (not legally)
  • Arson (but legal this time, called a bonfire)
  • Bring my cats as they are my emotional support pillows 
  • Dance like nobody is watching (even though everyone is watching)
  • Go on a date with the cute sophomore that sits right in front of you in your public speaking class, go on further dates until you make a young man’s mistake and must father a child when you are only a junior in college. In 30 years when your kid is grown up and you are in your 50s you will wonder where it all went wrong, and then you will remember that this is all written in a satire article and you are a girl who could not produce a natural child with another girl (as of said article being written) and now you are happy knowing that dropping out of college on your first day ever
  • Stunt on the haters in my Supreme velour tracksuit  
  • Break out into spontaneous song and dance
  • Ask the teacher to play Toy Story 2
  • Kahoot without internet lag 
    • I’m still never the first one to join the game :(
  • Be in the hospital as i will inevitably be infected by the stupid people in my Chem 1 class that is filled with 300 pre-med freshman from “15 minutes outside of Philadelphia”
  •  Get lost and show up half an hour late
    • Very intentionally show up late, but with a coffee
  • Just stop showing up because the Delta variant is literally right around the corner and your professor is probably really old but really sweet and you care for them :)
  • Kill your professor (accidentally on purpose)

At home

  • Refuse to wear a mask (at home only)
  • Cough up blood
  • Turn off your camera, and then your computer 
  • Eat my own hands 
  • Advertise my LinkedIn profile online: https://www.linkedin.com/in/eric-brinling-0044b11b8/ 
  • Flip your prof off from under your laptop
  • Yell at your mom off camera but maybe leave the mic on because you want them to know that this whole online thing was a mistake
  • Cry (but this time more discreetly)
  • Tweet a naughty word 
  • Play Papa’s Cupcakeria in another tab
  • Pay attention (if you’re a nerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrd lololololol)
  • Speedrun Minecraft
  • Rap battle your friend over Zoom private messages
  • Keep your mic muted because your parents are fighting again (bruh)
  • Stay in the Zoom call for five minutes after class because you didn’t notice the class ended
  • Be the dumbass that forgets to mute their mic for the 100th time -_-
  • Show up to class naked (like a boss)
  • Awkwardly remain silent when the professor puts you into breakout rooms
  • Be the funny guy in the class GroupMe!! Haha!! I have a personality give me attention!!1!!
  • Be the quirky person that turns their video on while everybody has theirs off
  • Pretend to be an African prince asking for money in the Zoom chat
  • Turn your room upside down and pretend it’s right side up by hanging off the ceiling on the Zoom call
  • Turn your room upside down and pretend you’re in Australia
  • Turn your room upside down and pretend you’re a bat
  • Turn your room upside down and pretend you’re an early 20th century artist of the Dada movement, which began under the tutelage of Hugo Ball at the Cabaret Voltaire in Zurich, Switzerland, during the First World War as a rebellion against the violence, skillfully utilizing an almost violent and shocking new form of “anti-art” to go against the establishment that facilitated the destruction of so many lives.
  • Cry
  • Zoom in from an active missile silo
  • Tell your professor you can’t hear them to waste 15 mins of class
  • Cheat on the syllabus
  • Change the syllabus with Inspect Element (no homework)
  • Marry Jeff Bezos, gain enough money to purchase the entirety of the Zoom corporation, then gain the ability to mute your professor at will
  • Ask your professor if you can use Discord instead
  • Set your face as your background and pretend to be frozen
  • Attend class while in the shower, sans cat loofah as he was taken by APS (Animal Protective Services), not for the loofah stuff, that was completely legal it was because  we had been creating Catgirls to work in all of the new Chipotles using his DNA
  • Get kicked out of the zoom meeting

Things we forgot to bring to campus

By The Writers of the Pitiful News (formerly the Littiful News, like lit, cause we are so lit)

  • Barbeque sauce for my titties  
  • Socks 
  • Veggietales season 69 on VHS
  • Pepper spray
  • Chicken cutlet bra inserts 
  • My emotional support girlfriend 
  • 54 copies of Vince Vaughn’s Fred Claus on VHS 
  • My therapist’s contact information  
  • 1567 boxes of sudafed
  • Fire arms 
  • Potato sacks for racing 
  • Russian nesting dolls that bear a strange resemblance to Roseanne Barr 
  • Cat loofah 
  • My Panther Card  
  • Large knives and open flames 
    • Oh wait, I did bring those
  • Tooth Brush
  • Athlete’s foot medication  
  • My cats
  • Potato sack for carrying my potatoes 
  • Directions to the gym 
  • My lust for Oscar the grouch
    • This is the semester of me, I can not be bogged down by romantic interests in even the most divine garbage people 
  • My 12 oscar trophies, I won them for moonlight  
  • Squatty potty 
  • My Pitt ID 

Very incorrect rock facts

By the Writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the Pittiful Geodes)

IRTI - funny picture #7587 - tags: dwayne johnson the rock ...
  • Rocks were invented in 1969 by Rock n Roll Hall of Famer Deez Nuts to sell more Rolls.
  • Rocks taste good. 
  • Crystals have harmful auras if thrown at the face.
  • Only Jesus can wash tectonic plates. 
  • I used to have a wife.
  • Certain breeds of cow can digest diamonds. So can I.
  • Yellow diamonds are created by the rare chemical combination of a clear diamond and my piss.
  • Similarly, rubies are what happens if you get blood on a diamond. I’m an earthologist.
    • This should not be confused with blood diamonds, something we do not support.
  • Here is an idea, what if we all got together and drew pieces of paper from a big bowl and the person who gets the piece with a dot on it gets stoned to death by the rest of the town. 
  • The three categories of rock are Schoolhouse, Dwayne The, and Hard.
  • The more rocks you have on you the more submissive and breedable you will be. 
  • Prehistoric humans used rock tools because they were eco-friendly. 
  • A rock can look like anything, like a cloud but shittier.
  • Some rocks can see time.
  • In twenty years, all that will be left of Frosty the Snowman is the coal!
  • Owning domesticated rocks is illegal in 27 states.
  • Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson got his nickname from the heaviest thing he could lift, and “The Pebble” didn’t sound as cool. 
  • The duller the rock, the more it is worth
  • A 24 karat diamond is just as edible as 24 karat gold. 
    • 24 carrot magic in the aaaaaaaaair 
  • A karat is actually how many carrots a given rock can eat in one cubic meter. 
  • Some rocks were made up for Minecraft.
  • If you dug a hole to the center of the earth, you would be eaten by the rocks. If rocks weren’t able to eat you, though, you would be able to survive.  
  • If you put a bunch of stones in a pot and add a little magic you will have an endless supply of food.  

Olympics Cheat Codes Revealed

By the Writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly tthe Fédérattion Intternattionale de Foottball Associattion news)

PHOTOS: Olympic rings arrive in host city on barge into ...
  • Up Up Left Left Down Right Right Down
  • You have no competitors if all of their bones are broken 
  • Sometimes you just gotta run real fast.  
  • The fencers aren’t the only people who can stab.   
  • Sparkly ✨ Uniforms ✨ Are ✨ Better ✨ 
  • Wear a jet pack when pole vaulting, it will help 
  • Wear a snorkel when swimming, it will help.
  • Kiss your opponents on the mouth so they will be confused and you can steal their medals.  
  • Take all the drugs
  • Nothing is stopping you from creating a new sport and being the supreme champion in it.  
  • Wear less clothes while convincing the other teams to wear more clothes, thus causing them to incur fines so that even if they win, they have lost money 
  • Bring a horse to the competition. 
  • Any sport can be a contact sport if you’re not a coward. 
  • Steal the starting gun and shoot your competitors  
  • Remember to stay hydrated :) 
  • If you belly flop into the pool, you can take a screenshot of your opponents’ moves.  
  • Hack into airline databases and change the dates of your competitors’ flights so that they have to go home the day before the competition
  • Instead of throwing the hammer for distance, throw it at the other throwers, that will really mess them up
  • Sleep with the judges on your cardboard bed
  • The true gold medal is the fun we had along the way

Is this the sound of a hat hitting a wall or sounds of me being stabbed

By Lord Tyler Sikov

  • Buh-duh
  • Whooo-to
  • Oh no, stop stabbing me, ah, can someone hear me, please stop, help, I don’t like being stabbed
  • How rude
  • I appreciate your honesty
  • Luke I am your father
  • The sun is a soup
  • Welcome to Jurassic Park
  • Party Rockers in the house tonight
  • Party Rock is in the house tonight
  • Hi, my name is Tyler
  • I’m Batman, with a knife
  • Bond, James Bond, with a knife
  • Jason Derulo
  • Hi, my name is Tyler, would you like a knife

Answers found here

The University’s 2022 Operating and Capital Budgets (Updated to contain information we’ve obtained by following the instructions of the magic conch)

By the writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the Pitttttttttttiful Pew Research Coalition) Edits made in bold: original email

PsBattle: A drone carrying a pug : photoshopbattles

Dear Pitt Community Members and anybody that we decide this is relevant to because we just wanna be in everyone’s business:

Earlier today, members of our Bored of Trusting—acting through the Board’s Executing Committee—convened and approved the University of Pittsburgh’s operating and capital punishment for Rechnungsjahr Year 2022.

It is important to recognize that these budgets follow an exceptionally disruptive year due to the students being little shits as usual and fucking up our plans for that big staff party. Our strategies, enacted over the last budget cycle to mitigate the financial repercussions of these disruptions, have included:

  • Holding tuition and room and board and my dick flat.
  • Freezing faculty and staff brains cryogenically to force them to work for us forever.
  • Offering an un-voluntary early retirement option to faculty and staff.
  • Curtailing all nonessential hiring and travel and beings.
  • Switching to renewable horny-frat-boy energy instead of natural gas harvested from the WPU Taco Bell.
  • Cutting the position of Lothrop Hall Clown.
  • Pausing all construction projects, except for the ones that make you, personally, late for class.
  • Enacting one-time unit-level budget cuts of 5%, which generated an extra $44 million in savings to cover COVID-19 costs related to testing, PPE acquisition, safely populating and depopulating campus, and fancy technology that professors have no idea how to use.
  • Receiving significant federal COVID-19 relief, while still complaining about minimum wage workers getting “government handouts”.

Despite these historic disruptions, Pitt’s operating and capital budgets for Fisting Year 2022 represent our institution’s first steps toward a new, post-pandemic normal and a return to in-person instruction this fall. The approved budgets balance our efforts to move on from last year’s budget disruption and begin to engage in a fuller recovery.

Some key highlights:

  • Our operating budget is set at $2.6 billion, up 20376175449% from last year’s operating budget of $12 and 76 cents.
     
  • Our capital budget is set at $420 million, 150% larger than last year’s COVID-19-reduced total of $140 million.
     
  • Our projected research base is $908 million, in line with last year’s research base. This is the first time in Pitt’s history that our projected research base budget exceeds $900 million. We need the extra $8 million to research whether we are spending enough on research.
     
  • Our operating budget includes a modest swimming pool which will decrease the salaries of all faculty and staff whose names are not signed at the bottom of this email. A forthcoming email, sent to employees from Chief Aquatic Officer Hairy Sastry and Senior Vice Lifeguard Dave DeVito, will include further information on these decreases.
     
  • Tuition will increase for the 2021-2022 academic year. On our Pittsburgh campus, tuition will increase by 2.5% for in-state undergraduate and all graduate students and basically all students and while we’re at it 4.5% for out-of-state undergraduates and maybe for the staff too because fuck it, this is MY HOUSE. Two exceptions:
    • All in-state and out-of-state undergraduate engineering students will be kept at the base rates rise of 2.5%. It’s kinda all we have going for us in terms of reputation plus we kinda work them really fucking hard because it’s funny so we’ll cut them a little slack.
    • All undergraduates in the School of Hacking and Information Technology (SHIT) will see rates rise by an additional 2%, as the oracle has told us. We really don’t control how the tuition rises, it’s just whatever amount we must sacrifice for the Galligods. Resulting in increases of 4.5% for in-state and 6.5% for out-of-state students.
  • On our regional campuses, tuition will increase by 1.5% for both on-planet and off-planet students. As in recent years, we devote much of this increase to hunting the poorer students for sport. Room and board costs will increase. Dining costs will rise across all campuses by approximately 3% as sustainable options for ethically-sourced human meat becomes more expensive to acquire. On-campus housing costs will increase by approximately 5% on our Pittsburgh campus and between 2% to 4% on our regional campuses, to give select students the experience of sleeping outside under campus benches.
     
  • To balance our operating budget, we have adopted a permanent 1% budget reduction, effective across the University. No more Christmas decorations in Cathy or the O’Hara Student Center. No more Christmas.

Both budgets—as always—are the product of many pretty easy decisions and relatively quick conversations with myself in the mirror. I am extremely grateful for our leaders in Pyeongyang, who once again voted to support Pennsylvania’s students, families and future by passing our annual cultural appropriation bill. I also want to thank the University Planning and Budgeting Committee for tackling the journalists about to expose my many charges of public indecency. There weren’t many difficult decisions associated with these budgets, and I remain incredibly proud of Pitt students, faculty and staff for not just paying my salary but going deeper into debt for my personal yacht during these challenging times. 

I am a little too excited for the new academic year, the new opportunities it will bring and the chance to see students from a respectful and un-horny distance, as per my restraining order, and to see faculty and staff continue advancing our university’s mission—creating and leveraging dog drones for the 1 percent’s gain—together.

Respect me fully,

Patrick “Galligator” Gallagher

A secret message to my Non-Binary readers

By Lord Tyler Sikov

Code: they/them 0/1

they them they them they them them them / they them them they they them they them / they them them they them them they they / they them them they they they them them / they them them they them them them them / they them them they them them they them / they them them they they them they them / they they them they they they they they / they them them them they them they they / they them them they them them them them / they they them they they they they they / they them them them they them they they / they them them they them they they they / they them them they they them they them / they they them they they they they they / they them them they they they them them / they them them them they them they them / they them them they them them they they / they them them them they them they they / they they them they them them them they

Today I ate a pizza

By Lord Tyler Sikov

Pizza delivery driver shares devious way they get back at customers who  don't tip - Mirror Online

               I was hungry earlier and I decided to order a pizza. This came with the built-in challenge of deciding what pizza place I want to go to. I don’t speak enough German to go to Papa Johns and I also do not vibe with racists. Dominos reminds me too much of my ex, Dominic. He and I got along for a while as we both love carefully setting events in peoples’ lives, building an elaborate web of lies and then knocking it all down and watching their lives crash and burn. We broke up because I found out he was cheating on me with one of the clouded leopards at the zoo.

               I decided to order pizza from Dan’s Pizza Joint. They sell pizzas and a joint, I did not buy the joint. I knew I was too lazy to get into my car and go somewhere, I also could not use my car as I had lent it to Kirby from the game Kirby, he was using it so he could turn into a wheel and beat up Tony Hawk. I don’t know what he has against Tony Hawk but I am not here to judge. This all culminated in me ordering the pizza for delivery. I got what I usually do, a vegan pizza and some garlic knots.

               In about an hour a handsome man appeared at my door. He had my food. I told him that I needed to grab my wallet from the other room and for him to just step inside. Something to note is that I have a rube Goldberg contraption set up so when someone comes through my door and stands on my front hall carpet the door will shut and lock behind them. This absolute himbo fell into my trap. Now that he was in my house, he was under the ancient tradition of guests.

               It is commonly known that a vampire must ask for permission to enter a house. Vampires must also give permission for someone to enter, or leave, their domain. For frequent readers of my articles, it should come as no surprise that I am a vampire. Another fun vampire fact is that we are just simply allergic to garlic in the same way that a person is lactose intolerant. It just makes us a bit nauseas. If you know any lactose intolerant people you will know that this never stops them from eating dairy, the same goes for vampires and garlic, I often take Gar-aid (not sponsored) when I am going to eat a lot of garlic. 

               Gar-aid (not sponsored) was the real reason why I went into the other room, I keep some in my wallet. Getting back to the handsome man standing in my front hall, I asked if I could drink his blood. I told him that I did not need to drink much, maybe a liter. As expected, he said yes. Most people willingly let me drink their blood, and actually I cannot drink their blood without their permission unless I kill them after, another vampire permission thing. I drank his blood and paid for the food and tipped extra for the delicious blood. Once he left, I went and ate the food I ordered. Next month this cycle will begin anew with a new donor.

               Wait, a month, cycle, those things have something to do with each other for non-vampires, right? If you have any ideas on the connection or other good places for me to quench my thirst and my thirstiness at the same time, please get in contact with me (you can use pittifulnews@gmail.com or submit an advice request on our website).

We Asked the Writers of the Pittiful News What Their Zodiac Signs Are

By the Ghost Writers of the Interviewers of the Writers of the Pitiful News (formerly the Ghost Writers of the Interviewers of the Writers of the Pittiful News)

27 Astrology Memes All The Non-Believers Can Laugh At | Bored Panda
  • Pilates
  • Pizzatarius
  • Ravenclaw
  • Republican
  • Mamma’s Cupcakeria
  • Episcopalian
  • Pisscapalian (pissy fish eater) 
  • I’m gay? 
  • I’m in the Glee Club 
  • Pescitarian – only eat Joe Pesci
  • Libertarian
    • I’m registered independent, personally 
    • I’m a registered sex offender, personally
  • I am now and have always been a member of the Communist Party of America
  • George Washington
  • John Oliver
  • The princess of the princess and the frog
  • Socially liberal fiscally conservative
  • Webkinz
  • Unpaid intern
  • Mansplainer
  • I’m nor/mal actually 
  • Flat-earther
  • Furry
    • ~awooooo
    • pittiful nyas
  • JoJo Siwa
  • Labor organizer
  • Youtuber
  • John F. Kennedy, 35th president of the United States of America
  • ENFP
  • I register as a BDSM
  • Weeaboo
  • Quitter on a shitter
  • Sorority sister
  • Fraternity frother
  • X
  • Matthew Morrison
  • Alexander Hamilton
  • Lin Manuel Miranda 
  • Kinnie
  • bro/broself
  • pittifulnews@gmail.com
  • Lesbian
    • I thought you were American???
  • Donald Trump’s toupee
    • What’s a toopee?
    • Nothin’, what’s it to you?
  • A tumblr account
  • Chocolate fondue
  • Fondled fondue
  • Kamala Harris
  • What is this Homestuck shit?
  • Cancer

Giant Cube of Sentient Meat Skewered atop the Cathedral of Learning Begins Teaching Summer Classes in Philosophy

By Eric Brinling

A giant cube of meat, which has been skewered atop the Cathedral of Learning since August of 2020, finally begins teaching its own class in the philosophy department entitled “The Philosophical Repercussions of Being a Giant Cube of Meat Skewered atop a Landmark”, starting this summer.

But who is this cube of meat? Where did it come from? Where is it going? From the shank of which giant animal was it butchered? I, star reporter Eric J. Brinling, have the inside scoop on all this and more.

The giant cube of meat is a lot friendlier than it might appear from several blocks away. It is very approachable, and is more than willing to answer any questions anyone might have, even if the asker fears they might be insensitive, like “How did you get here if you didn’t have any legs?” or “What sort of animal was big enough for you to be just a cube of its meat?” or “How the hell are you sentient?” or what have you.

To these the giant cube of meat just laughs. “I hear those kinds of questions all the time,” he says, despite his lack of ears or mouth, making hearing and saying a mystery. “In truth I don’t mind answering them a million times over. I’m an educator, it’s what I do, I guess.”

Its journey to Pitt was a long and arduous road for a plucky meat cube like itself. It started on the plains of South Dakota, where it grew up in a small, and often cruel town.

“They didn’t like me much back home,” says the meat cube, as I see a tear almost forming in its nonexistent eyes as it recalls painful memories of a childhood long past. “I was different, I guess, and that’s about the worst thing you can be in Florence, South Dakota.”

Despite the trials and tribulations, the meat cube made it to college, getting its Bachelor of Kebabery from the Indiana University of Pennsylvania Punxsutawney Branch. 

“Philosophy was just a hobby back then,” says the cube. “They don’t even offer philosophy classes in Punxsutawney. But in my free time, I wrote a thesis on philosophy and its applications in my own daily life that won me acclaim across the field, and I got a full-ride scholarship for a master’s program in philosophy from Cornell.”

From there, it seemed the meat cube could go anywhere, do anything, but it chose Pitt. Why?

“Pitt just felt like home as soon as I skewered myself atop the Cathedral of Learning. No other university has a building like this, where I can utilize both my master’s degree in philosophy as a PhD candidate as well as my Bachelor of Kebabery.”

As fate would have it, the cube’s class in philosophy, starting with a guinea pig run this summer, does not stray far from the thesis that started its philosophical career.

The cube laughed at the concept. “Yes, I suppose that’s true. My life is in a very different place right now than it was when I wrote my thesis as an undergrad, but I still look at philosophy through a similar lens: how can you apply philosophical thinking to your own experiences? And for me right now, that means teaching a class entitled ‘The Philosophical Repercussions of Being a Giant Cube of Meat Skewered atop a Landmark.’ I just hope that I inspire my students to ask similar big questions about their own lives.”

The giant meat cube’s class, PHIL 0420 ‘The Philosophical Repercussions of Being a Giant Cube of Meat Skewered atop a Landmark’ is being offered this summer with limited seating.