What We did for Valentine’s Day

By the riders of the Pitiful News

  • Sent 20,000 dms asking if girls were free on February 14th 
  • Fell to my knees in a Walmart
  • Drew myself a nice warm bath and listened to relaxing music. Self love is so important!
  • Wrote down every reason why no one will ever love me, ever
  • Got one day closer to downloading Tinder
  • Called my mom :)
  • Saw some guy fall to his knees in a Walmart
  • Sat on top of the Cathedral aiming a theoretical sniper scope at any couples I saw
  • Watched Love, actually
  • Spent the day doing “he loves me, he loves me not” in the Central park rose garden, by the end of the day they ran out of roses 
  • Watched Tall Girl 2
  • Grew my lust for Oscar the Grouch 
  • Met your mother for a tasteful dinner out on the town
  • Listened to Blonde by Frank Ocean
  • Drank fine wine while admiring the urn of my late ex husband who I killed 
  • Saw this guy who saw this guy fall to his knees in a Walmart
  • Had a lovely meal with a beautiful racoon, she picked the location, we ate out of the dumpster around the back of a whole foods
    • Fancy!! 
  • Queued up my 20,000 “u up?” dms to send out at 1:15 am February 15th 
  • My mommy was my valentine
  • Thought about you ;)
  • Did my annual shave 
  • Joined a convent 
  • Forgot to watch the Olympics, again
  • Spooned with my cat, so just a normal day 
  • Pondered the commodification of love
  • Bought chocolates
  • Hung up my skin after a long day’s work
  • Texted my psychiatrist, left on opened
  • Left the physical realm never to return
    • You went to Ohio, didn’t you?
      • *Ghostly nods* 
  • Bought a wedding ring for attention
  • Got sloshed at Nordy’s place, was banned for life
  • Participated in 3 flash mobs 
  • Prayed to Aphrodite to send me love this year, all i got in return was a quiver of arrows and a small bow 
  • Accidentally ruined a first date by assuming they were brother and sister
  • Stalked people from my high school on Instagram
  • Waited tables at applebees and witnessed 32 proposals
    • So, babes how did it go?
      • All of them said no except this one couple but it was clear that the girl was using him for free healthcare.
  • Skipped any song that mentioned love
  • Considered getting a septum piercing
  • Looked up why it’s called ‘Valentine’s Day.’ Execution is so romantic!
  • Read a few chapters of my book, the end of the book sure has a lot of blank pages, I wonder what that is about. 
  • Wrote a few chapters of my book. I hope nobody looks forward in the book. Most of the pages are blank, I don’t have to write fast, I just have to write faster than he reads. 
  • Began showing symptoms of a mid-life crisis
  • Gave myself a pep talk in the mirror to no avail
  • Distracted myself with Kanye’s instagram
  • Listened to the song Unwritten by Natasha Bedingfield (Slow version, Piano Ballad, No autotune) on repeat for 3 hours while cry-eating some cake :( 
  • Made a list of anyone who has ever wronged me. Your time will come.
  • Overslept my first class, out of love
  • Watched The Super bowl reruns, I can’t wait to see what happens to Ron Kostelnik he has a future ahead of him 
  • Lost a game of Go Fish to a very pumped trout, turns out I am a great motivator of fish