This is the 7th article I have written about being in a cult and people are starting to get suspicious

By Lord Tyler Sikov

Explore the inside of your favorite cult – The Maine Campus

So as all of you lovely scum of the earth people who read my articles know, I am a cult expert. You may also know that The Pittiful News is a cult, if you did not know that, read my article about that very topic. Since I have made it clear that I am knowledgeable about being in a cult and have been open about being in many cults, I decided I would give all of you a quiz. Below I have put a list of things that are real things that have happened to me during a cultic encounter, others are fake scenarios of something that could happen in a cult, and the rest will be non-cult related activities real or fake.

1.      Snapped on someone’s hands, then had them snap on mine, then we both rubbed out hands together and blew on each other.

2.      Sat around a table while chanting a monotonous tune that has been ingrained in my head for my entire life, then an object is presented and is subsequently lit on fire, I am then made to stab this object only seconds after it has been extinguished, the group then all joyously eat this sacrifice.

3.      I was forced to skin an animal with my bare hands and then wear its skin for weekly rituals.

4.      I was blindfolded and taken by force. Once I awoke, I was surrounded by many familiar faces. I had been seeing a lot of these men for a while. They always referred to me as ‘brother’ then they had me drink a chalice of their blood. I questioned the safety of this activity and was smacked with a wooden object that had indents no bigger than ping pong balls. That is the last thing I remember before I woke up in my room wearing a red robe drenched in my blood as well as theirs.

5.      I was forced to tattoo a series of symbols on my skin. Even weirder, these symbols glowed. When I touched them, they made me faster, stronger, and more agile. The others with similar markings told me that I must use these gifts to fight anyone with demon blood.

6.      One time when I went to the supermarket these people approached me and pretended to be from the musical “Book of Mormon”. It was weird, they were not even that good at singing. I have seen that show multiple times and they did not know the script very well.

7.      I was wandering through the forest and I noticed many animals standing around in a circle. As I got closer, they did not seem to mind, which is normal as I am a vegan so animals trust that I mean them no harm. I noticed that their eyes were glowing purple. I then heard a voice in my head saying it was the deer standing in the circle. I listened and discovered that this was a group of ancient animals with powers. To force me to not reveal their secret the made me believe it was all a dream, but I know it was real, oh no, a deer, no, noooooo, ahhhhhhhh,

To find the answers, find the wish fish. He is hidden in a sock at the bottom of a great lake. He holds the answers you seek.

Help, I have been stabbed

By Lord Tyler Sikov

I should probably start with how I woke up this morning, it was a typical morning for me. I woke up in the morning feeling like p-diddy, I grabbed my glasses I’m out the door I’m going to hit the city, before I leave brush my teeth with a bottle of jack, cause when I leave for the night I ain’t coming back. I’m talking about the fact that I can see parts of the future. I have very similar powers as Raven from the hit 2000’s show That So Raven, also known as the last card of exodus. Similar to that show my visions do not always come true, different that that show I try to make them come true. As many of you know by now, I am a bit of a masochist. I saw someone standing over me with a bloody knife. You may be thinking, how did I know it was my blood. Well, I know because I bleed sterling silver, and the knife was rather shiny with my shiny blood.

               I enjoy getting stabbed, but something seemed different this time. I have been to many of the afterlives, and have always come back but I seem to be running out of places to go once I die. I do not want to go to the duwat, the Egyptian afterlife, because of that one time I stole all of the ibis’s in the world. Isis was not happy with me after that. This time I am talking about the goddess Isis, the wife of Osiris, not the terrorist organization. The organization likes me a lot as I committed a lot of voter fraud to help them take over the infidel infested country we live in. Back to the Egyptian afterlife, the only good thing that could come from going there is that I already worship cats, and there are many more cats to worship there. Bast, the cat goddess, and I used to date so I have a bit of good fortune with her. We broke up because despite popular speculation, I am not in fact a cat. I have an article about that coming in the future.

               While I was worrying about what would happen after I died this time, I neglected to pay attention to my surroundings. I found myself standing in the middle of the river Styx, and I mean in the river. While I lay at the bottom, I saw all of the cats I love bap the water to try to pull me out. I also for some reason saw a guy in Trojan battle armor standing next to a small replica of the Trojan horse. He was yelling at me to pick a spot to anchor my mortality, I chose my belly button because I have an inny and anyone trying to stab me there would need to stab slightly further to be able to damage me. I get out and find that I went through the same process as Achilles, so I suppose I have an Achilles belly button.

               Having my entire body immune to damage except for my belly button if it weren’t for the fact that I forgot today was sumo wrestling with knives night in my house. I put on my giant cloth pants and was quickly stabbed by my brother. While I laid on the floor bleeding out with my brother standing over me, I saw my vision come true. Right then I woke up with Bast and about 100 other cats curled up next to me. It turns out my previous assessment of why I do not often die is that I have so many connections with different gods that they all either want to help me stay alive or they hate me so much that they can not stand having me in their domain. In this case, Bast had given me 9 lives like a cat. Sorry if I am cutting this story short, but I need to get back to the bathing pile where all of the cats pile on top of each other and bathe themselves and others in the pile.