Casual Friday Horoscopes, as featured in Seventeen magazine

By the writers of the Pittiful News

Aries – You are a strong-willed person who always fights for want they want. Tomorrow you will encounter an opportunity for success. Take your chances and don’t give up.

 

Taurus – You have a strong appetite for close relationships. When you meet them tomorrow, give them a hug and check their pockets for the drugs. They may change your life.

 

Gemini – You’re finally coming out as a Gemini today. Don’t forget which shoe goes on which foot. We can spot a Gemini from about three miles away. Just focus on what’s ahead of you.

 

Cancer – You are one-third dummy, one-third whore, and one-third sucker, and tomorrow you will cry because someone reminds you of something that happened many years ago, and it will remind you of ‘the stairwell’ that you try to forget.

 

Leo – I really don’t understand why you’re looking at your horoscope because if I tell you that you’ll have a great day tomorrow and you get hit by a bus, I think that technically is grounds to sue me so take this with a grain of salt and have a great day.

 

Virgo – Repeat this mantra daily to experience life to its fullest: “Wake up in the mornin’. Feelin’ like P. Diddy. Grab my glasses. I’m out the door. I’m gonna hit the city.” Don’t forget to brush your teeth with a bottle of jack.

 

Libra – You can’t make a decision to save your life. You’re sweet but you’re… you’re nasty if someone crosses you… UHm- You can’t think. DO not think at all whatsoever. Fuck people. But don’t FUCK-fuck them?? Your planet is Venus or something. Meaning you’re very romantic and LOVE flirting. You are a peacekeeper and like order. #Words not fists #Kill with kindness

 

Scorpio – You are possessive over the things you like, this week you will begin mating with an optimum specimen, only to eat them at a later date.

 

Sagittarius – Things are looking up for you! It’s going to be just the right kind of night to dress up like a hipster and make fun of your ex. (DO NOT under any circumstances get back with your ex.) Do fun things, like eating breakfast at midnight and fallin in love with strangers. Everything’s gonna be alright :) Just keep dancing :)

 

Capricorn – You are resilient, this week your horns will grow nicely. Also this week, in math class your teacher, who sucks, will give you a pop quiz. It might be on the quadratic equation so just remember: “x equals opposite b plus or minus square root b squared minus 4 a c all over 2 a”.

 

Aquarius – You will meet a person who will be an amazing partner for you, they will be: sometimes low key, sometimes high key, sometimes comforting, sometimes indifferent, often contradictory. They will be standing on the corner of Forbes and Bigelow, they will be wearing yellow and holding a pink carnation, the password to make them fall in love with you is “if you do not come with me this instant, i will stab you”. They will get into your car and you will live happily ever after until you get a new horoscope telling you to see other people, Janice.

 

Pisces –  You will become the president of the United States of America, the first president to be precise. People might call you “Daddy”, but what they really mean is “Father (of the Nation)”, so don’t be alarmed. Embrace all the opportunities of this phase in your life.

 

Good Smells

By Tyler Sikov and Sonya Acharya

1. Babies
2. Discovery
3. An Abercrombie and Fitch shirt after you wash it with Gain the first time
4. Teen spirit
5. Forrest
6. Lavender
7. Good smelling cologne
8. Coffee
9. The specific coffee beans that they give you at Yankee Candle to cleanse your nasal palate after you smell a nasty peppermint candle that makes your nose feel like it was just assaulted by Jack Frost
10. That tree stump
11. Freshly mown grass, new parchment & spearmint toothpaste
12. Fergalicious it’s delicious
13. Cats
14. Rotting plants
15. Vanilla extract before you taste it
16. A brand new deck of cards
17. Falling in love
18. The rose you were going to give to your prom date but she stood you up so now you must console yourself by inhaling inhumane amounts of pollen from this flower to put yourself into an allergy coma so you can wake up from it a week later feeling better
19. The helmets of Mongol invaders (in museums)
20. Bath and Body Works in the off-season after you have dropped an anvil on your foot

Pitt Opens Fashion Department for Students Who Kinda Wanna Do Fashion but Told Their Parents They Were Gonna Get a CS Degree

By Savannah Teman

Something many students (about 5) have voiced their frustrations about is the lack of fashion and clothing design related courses at the school. Finally, Pitt has picked up on this cry for change and decided to add more fashion-related courses.

Initially, Pitt only had costume design courses, which usually appealed only to theater students that didn’t know how to act but didn’t want to let go of the only personality trait they had in high school. Recently, the school has opened a class on the history of European fashions, noting that if they want students to learn something, they have to start from the literal beginning. The class focuses on the usage of rags in early cavemen days to cover their privates from wild animals in their sleep. Then in the second section of this class, the focus shifts to corset wearing, and why it should be brought back. One of the main projects of the class is to make students wear corsets for a full two weeks to physically feel the effects of a corset on your vital organs. The third and final section of this class brings the topic to a more modern trend: Crocs, or more so, the attempts to erase Crocs from our culture. In Europe, Crocs are not nearly as popular as in America, but Pitt strongly stands by the belief that Crocs are diseased pieces of rubbish that look like jazzed up tires for your feet.

The next class Pitt hopes to add is a basic class on the techniques of sewing and designing clothing. This class will focus on making Edwardian Era fashion because that is as close to modern times that any Pitt department’s material is allowed to get.

Stay tuned for more information about Pitt’s up and coming fashion department here.

 

Faculty not required to be in person, but must provide “classroom experience” (updated information from playing Doja Cat’s ‘Say So’ backwards at half speed)

by the writers on the Pittiful News; original article: corrections made in bold          Relevant article

Provost Ann Cudd said in a Friday afternoon carrier-pigeon note to faculty that they now have the option to astral project themselves into the classroom during the fall semester, as part of the University’s new Flex@Pitt teaching model. Cudd does emphasize that if faculty does not want to astral project themselves into the classroom they don’t have to, but the option stands if they so desire. The note arrives in the wake of many faculty members saying they have received too much information about plans for the fall semester.

The Flicks@Pitt program is said to allow students to experience classes “in person, remotely, synchronously or asynchronously,” in the midst of the unprecedented crisis presented by the COVID-19 pandemic. Pitt officials said last week that students would not be required to attend class in person for the fall but if they want to attend class in person they can, but it’s cool if they don’t.

But Cudd added that a classroom experience must be made available for some students, and faculty are encouraged to physically come to the classroom when they want to, or not to if they don’t want to. Cudd wants to make sure that it is known that she really doesn’t care what happens, but the faculty are the ones who have the choice to come to campus.

Cudd said in situations where instructors cannot come to campus, students will still be in classrooms to connect homoerotically with their rivals, with the instructor completely invisible on screen to engage with students, field questions or conduct discussions. But from a poll given to students, Pitt has decided that if it is mandatory for professors to come to class, students will have to stay in their dorms. She said graduate or undergraduate teaching assistants, faculty colleagues or staff members may be sacrificed in their stead to facilitate classroom interaction.

Cudd added that as part of Fucks@Pitt, the University will ensure that all faculty members have access to high-quality technology, such as the new Nintendo 2DS. Pitt said on Wednesday that it will spend the second half of its federal CARES Act funding, around $10.6 million, on fall Onlyfans subscriptions and other less important things including Forks@Pitt.

“Our investment in technology, that we don’t ever talk about because we don’t actually use the money, will allow us to support our faculty and students, enroll a full class of students and transform the teaching environment well beyond the pandemic,” Cudd improvised.

Some classes, such as labs, may require an authorized person to be not present so students can learn to handle equipment and ensure safety on their own with no guidance. I mean they have to figure out how to pay off their own student debt, hold up 18 credits worth of grades, and maintain mental stability at all times, so like they should be able to figure out how to use a damn Bunsen burner. In these cases, Cudd said, the person in charge may not necessarily show up.

Cudd also provided an update about classroom abusage in the email.

Pitt started an audit of all classroom spaces two days ago and whether they met social distancing and sexiness requirements. She said courses with very large (x (1 +1n)n=e where n = number of students and e = classrooms required) enrollments may need to be fully remote, but most lectures and recitations with enrollments below 6 students can take place in-person. Courses with an enrollment between 6 and the undefined “very large” (10 students)  cutoff number may need to operate in a “rotated cohort mode,” Cudd said. This would mean only one student attends classes on select days.

Cudd said she might make final decisions about classroom assignments within the next two months. Until then all students will be given chores and a weekly allowance by Gallagator himself.