By the writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the Chuck E. Cheese Ball Pittiful News)
- Orlando Bloom dressed as Legolas (no exceptions)
- Legolas dressed as Orlando Bloom
- The Spiderman that Tom Holland killed so he could take his place
- Doja Dog
- Snoop Catt
- Lyin
- Chimpanzeez
- Rutherford B. Hayes
- Túrin Turambar
- Russell Stover
- Mr. Clean
- Ninki Minjaj
- Gollum
- The Wardrobe (of “The Lion, The Witch, and” fame)
- The Ainur who sung the world into being
- Grover Cleveland
- Whatever the fuck the dark elves were in Thor 2
- Grover Cleveland
- Girlboss Cruella de Vil
- The Mamas and the Papas
- My dad
- Pāṇini
- The Broadway star that Tyler thinks he sounds like when he sings
- Alexander Hamilton, but only the one from the musical
- Santa Claus
- Gnomeo and Juliet
- Grover “From the Muppets” Cleveland
- Melkor who introduced discord into the Song of the Ainur
- Wizard Calligraphy (Wiz Khalifa)
- Jack the Ripper
- Obama (I don’t know his last name)
- John H. Tinder
- Ashley Madison
- John Lenin
- The Yardbyrds
- Ellen DeSelfish
- Will Piano
- Will Forte
