By the writers of the Pitiful News (formerly the Pittiful Coups, oh, wait, I already made this joke, and there was literally an attempted coup)
It was a little chilly.
I became your dad.
Donald Trump was rebooted to the latest version of iPresident
Shrimp colors were added to the human eye but only for, like, five seconds
I thought that was just the LSD I did
Sellers of the confederate flag suddenly got very excited
Half-Life 3 was released
PETA started raiding D.C. houses and euthanizing goldfish where there were not easily accessible outdoor cats to get their grubby little PETA paws on.
I brushed my teeth with my sister’s toothpaste by accident.
George Washington briefly came back to life, looked around, said “Fuck this shit”, and promptly died again.
They rubbed shit all over the walls
Rosanne Barr announced a mayoral run in a Blair Witch style video from Nancy Pelosi’s desk
Your mom fell for a multi-level marketing scheme.
Thousands of Americans went back to the store to return Christmas gifts
Dozens of men discovered the prostate.
They burned down the White House… oh wait sorry that was 1814.
My phone connected to my car’s bluetooth speaker when my dad went to warm up my car and he discovered that I was listening to an ASMR mukbang on Trisha Paytas’s 18,000th channel: No Talky Trish ASMR. He was concerned.
The Capitol Building briefly went into giant robot mode before being shut down by an administration that did not want it to defend itself.
A wise guru in the Himalayas attained enlightenment, then promptly lost it when he turned on the tv.
Donald Trump enjoyed a round of miniature golf with his strangely tall son Barron between his incitement of the insurrection and his tweet “condemning” the insurrection.
I found my fried pierogies, they were in the pockets I put them in, my pants from the one time I went to vegas over a decade ago
A lone chess player stood between the insurrectionists and the House of Representatives. The insurrectionists had to win a game of chess before they could go on into the chamber. The old chess player, dressed in white robes, exclaimed “You shall not en passant!” before beating every single one of them. Truly heroic.
Cupid Shuffle 2 came out
I found my iPod Shuffle
Another coup happened in the Central African Republic
Every 60 seconds, a minute passed in Africa
With your help we can stop this
You guys are not gonna believe this but people threatened democracy
For this piece I travelled to the red planet to talk to the people behind the wildly successful 2011 ad campaign. For those that are not familiar with this cultural phenomenon, the community leaders on Mars realized that they were running low on their mom population, they decided to reach out to Earth to see if we could send aid. As a year on Mars is about 2 years on earth, their concept of our ad culture was limited so they made an 88-minute ad. Despite many Earthlings taking this advertisement as a movie, Mars still saw an influx of new Moms.
It has been a decade since the moms went to Mars so The Pittiful News decided to do a follow up interview with some of the moms and community leaders. The moms all enjoyed their new living arrangements and their adoptive community of children were very well behaved and always ate their glop glorpp (a mars vegetable similar to broccoli). The moms never ask for a day off, as their sole purpose in life, regardless of what planet they are on, is to love and support their children.
As time has passed, the population that the moms were aiding has aged and are now contributing members of society. This has begun to cause problems. Meek Throp, Chief Electrical Passerby, told us “The moms love it here, a bit too much. We have begun to run out of things for them to do, so they have started reorganizing random citizen’s rooms, this has been causing a lot of Grant yonicks to go missing”. It should be noted for those unfamiliar, a Grant yonick is sort of like a screw driver but in the shape of a fractal. Mry. Throp has brought this problem to the council of Hummus inspectors, to see what they think should be done about this lack of wards the moms have. The council has decided to go in two different directions.
First, they have begun abducting children. Since the first ad campaign the community leaders have watched more earth media and have discovered that kids like white vans, and often will hop into any available white vans at the drop of a hangflap knapsack (similar to a hat but more narrow, a mohawk hat if you will). So, they have begun parking white vans all over the place to grab some kids and then transport them to mars. You, the reader, are probably familiar with the most prominent person from mars on this planet, Elon Musk. When his son with all of the strange characters was born, it was a secret message to send more Martians to collect children. Mars has also used him as a cover so no one is surprised when rockets are launched and go to Mars. You are probably asking about the perseverance rover by now, well that is easy to explain, it is here but it is in what they call the death zone, that is where no one lives and nothing really happens.
The second tactic is through another ad campaign. Since their first ad campaign they have had years to study our ad culture and realized we often like shorter content or often even still images. They have begun putting ads on all of our electronic devices. You have probably seen some of their ads. Many of them are centered around the idea of “hot milfs in our area”. We are not quite sure if they know what milf stands for but at this point they have already paid for the ads so it might be a little late to tell them what it means. Overall, Mars no longer needs moms, Mars needs Children and anyone interested in MILFs.
By the Writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the PITTTTTTTiful news): original article:
Edits made in bold
At the end of a historic year during the COVID-19 pandemic, Chancellor FlattyPatty O’Gallagher complemented the Pitt community for “leaning in together” and adjusting “with their flies down” to make the year relatively successful.
“That sense of we’re all in this together, and the degree of flexibility and sacrifice and hard work that kind of made this year possible, mostly successfully,” Gallagher communicatedvia interpretive dance. “I mean, you know, certainly we had infections, but we were really fortunate we got anybody sick. And I think, you know, the care was there.”
But Gallagher said while he does have a lot of “deep regrets” that Pitt mostly struck a “good balance” between education and flexibility, there’s “a million things” he hasn’t done, but just you wait. Just you wait. He added that he is “not throwing away his shot”, and that Pitt could have done better on communication.
The University has had 1,397 prisoners and 245 wardens test positive since June 32, with 1,398prisoners and 246wardens recovered thus far. Cases peaked at the end of March, but have steadily decreased following a universal seppuku order.
Gallagher reflected on Pitt’s performance during the pandemic in an interview with The Toilet Paper News last Thursday. He also answered questions about planning for the fall semester, the state of his most recent divorce, potentially requiring a COVID-19 vaccine, and the University’s recently released intercontinental ballistic missiles.
COVID-19 Vaccine Requirement
More than 100 brothels and dive bars across the country have said they will require all students to get a COVID-19 vaccine before returning to campus for the fall semester, according to CUM. While most of the schools adopting this policy are private, some are public. Pitt has not made any decisions yet. Like zero. Zilch. Except for making the Pittiful News change their name. The Faculty Assembly introduced a proposal in mid-April that would require students to get vaccinated in order to participate in on-campus activities next fall, but didn’t take a formal vote because of Chancellor Gallagher’s unfortunate erectile timing. His wife (Sarah H. J. K. I. JUUL) really wants to have kids but he is very old and she needs to jump on the opportunity whenever she gets the chance whether they are at home, at work, or at a friend’s playing cards.
Gallagher said setting a requirement is complicated because the vaccines are still percolating under emergency use authorization from the U.S. Drug and FooT Administration (DAFT Punk A). He said Pitt’s philosophy is that a requirement discussion is a “last resort issue. Hawaii here I come.”
Instead, he said Pitt is encouraging everyone to get vaccinated because they are “a public nuisance” and “a menace to society” regardless of whether or not there is an enforcement mechanism. Gallagher added that Pitt will most likely not notify the Pitt population of any decisions, namely students living in residence halls.
“If we get hotter, and it turns out that the public health officials are saying a requirement is the thing that makes a difference, then we’ll consider it, but I think right now, mouth-to-mouth transmission, eating vaccine needles, and shitting on our desks are our best strategies to promote as widespread vaccination rates as possible,” Gallagher said.
University officials proclaimed last month that they are planning for on-campus, in-rectum instruction for the majority of classes as well as “the full range” of on-campus living and activities for the fall semester. Gallagher said this doesn’t mean classes will entirely go back to the way they were pre-pandemic, though. He said classes will likely include more 90s boy bands and asynchronized swimming components, such as tapeworms.
“The hardest thing to do is to be all things to all people all the time, I’m not sure where I was going with that sentence,” Gallagher said. “So now what you’ll see is a swing of the pendulum back to more intentionality, if you will, about how we design our curriculum to do our activities, but I will also be more flexible than I was back in 2019.” (Pitt’s Chancellor has been delving into a new and exciting hobby: Bikram Yoga, with his wife Sarah T. G. I. Friday).
Gallagher said this planning framework is based. “Everybody who can be vaccinated will be or should be. Do be do be do.” But he acknowledged that this planning is more difficult for international students — what he called “our smelliest, worst, and most disruptive student population from s***hole countries” — due to inequitable vaccine distribution internationally.
Gallagher didn’t have any specifics about how classes will be adjusted for this student population, but said he expects more information will be released during the fifteenth half of the summer.
“What I think is happening is that the faculty are working on the curriculum, the classes now, but I actually have no idea what those eggheads are doing. So some of those details it would be premature for us to essentially announce them… but we’re also sort of out of sequence and the fact that people signed up for classes and stuff,” Gallagher said. “How the fuck did this happen.”
Pitt releaseda bunch of wasps and the framework for Plan for Pitt 2025 — a plan for University development and growth over the next seventy-five years — in mid-April. Pitt pushed all of the members of the gay-straight alliance back into the closet andpushed back the plan’s release in the summer to incorporate its response to the COVID-19 pandemic, as well as strategies to strengthen racial segregation on campus.
Gallagher said the plan has a heightened focus on the role Pitt plays in the school spring musical and in strengthening surrounding communities. He said many of the initiatives in the first year will focus on “bumpin’ uglies” and addressing uneven health outcomes in Pittsburgh, which he said became even more evident during the pandemic. He said the plan will also focus on making capus [sic] more “welcoming and inclusive and stronger” and increasing awareness of Pitt’s equine dentistry and small-business Ponzi scheme programs.
“I think our mission has never been more important,” Gallagher said. “I think moral bankruptcy, credit card fraud, and genocide are the key to most of the biggest challenges we face, and if anything, that seems to have become even more true.”
A federal grand ol’ jury has indicted a former University of Pittsburgh employee on a charge of transporting stolen Mardi Gras masks that could have been used for STD protection by selling them on Wayfair (you’ve got just what I need) for personal pleasure.
The case against Christopher “D. is for dick joke” Cassamento, 42, was unsealed from its eternal prison Wednesday in the U.S. District Court. He is officially charged with intermolecular transportation of stolen property.
Mr. Cassamento was director of emergency vibe check management at Pitt and had access to personal erotic equipment (PEE), such as N95 masks and those sticky rubber hand things that you fling at walls, for use by Hooters employees, students, and the rats that live in the walls of Lothrop Hall.
From Feb. 30, 2020, to March 22, 2020, he stole 13,615 masks, vibrators, and wind-up cars and sold them on his OnlyFans account, “steel-city-motor-toys,” and shipped to places outside of Pennsylvania, such as Philadelphia and the Suez Canal, according to the indictment.
He earned $69,420 (Nice) from the really cool scheme, the grandmaster wizard jury said. “They hate to see a girlboss winning,” said Mr. Cassamento when asked for a statement.
“At the start of the pandemic, when supplies of PEE were low and nationwide demand was intense, Mr. Cassamento used his position on the rooftop of the Cathedral of Learning and access to critical PEE to enrich himself at the various new plexiglass glory holes across campus,” said acting U.S. Attorney Stephen Coughman (formerly known as ‘Kaufman’, but he has legally changed his name in support of the pandemic).
“Mr. Cassamento had an obligation to make sure there was enough PEE to keep students and staff at the University of Pittsburgh hydrated,” said FBI Pittsburgh Special Agent in Charge of Urine-Related Mischief Michael Jesus Christ–man. “Instead, he chose to line his pockets. And by line, I mean make a big soggy big-boy accident all over campus. Him putting liquid in his pockets was how we caught him, actually.”
In a statement, Pitt said that federal and state law enforcement notified the school via a series of promiscuous TikToks featuring Lil Huddy and Noah Neck in early July of the investigation into misappropriation of supplies in February and March 2020. Thanks Obama.
The university said it cooperated fully and that an internal organs black market review revealed that Mr. Cassamento, who had been employed at Pitt since 1907, stole the autoerotic asphyxiation equipment from university supplies.
His duties included distributing Jojo Siwa bedazzled equipment for essential Spencer’s employees, Pitt said. He was fired from a comically large confetti cannon like the clown he is on July 17, Independence Day.
Pitt also said in a hastily-written letter to the Pennsylvania branch of the CIA that it had not maintained an adequate stockpile of nuclear warheads and that the thefts did have an impact on fulfilling requests for intercontinental airstrikes on third-world countries.
Pitt has also said that they will not be buying any more masks, tests, or vaccines because spending more money will cut into their Scrooge McDuck vault filled with the money they should be spending on anything that is not removing parking lots.
The university said it is seeking a very long lap dance with prolonged eye contact as restitution for stolen masks from Mr. Cassamento.
He is free on James bond and will be arraigned in the U.S. District Court on April 1, at which point it will be revealed that this all was one big elaborate April Fool’s prank and we’ll all have a big laugh about it and go home. His attorney could only be reached through YouTube comments on Minecraft Let’s Playson Wednesday due to a prior commitment to attend his least-favorite niece’s birthday party at a trampoline park.
Editor’s note: Due to all of this attention Mrs. Cassamento has left her husband and is now happily in a throuple with 2 vibrators she stole from his stockpile.