Lesser known things that went on during the January 6th Insurrection

By the writers of the Pitiful News (formerly the Pittiful Coups, oh, wait, I already made this joke, and there was literally an attempted coup)

  • It was a little chilly.
  • I became your dad.
  • Donald Trump was rebooted to the latest version of iPresident 
  • Shrimp colors were added to the human eye but only for, like, five seconds
    • I thought that was just the LSD I did
  • Sellers of the confederate flag suddenly got very excited 
  • Half-Life 3 was released
  • PETA started raiding D.C. houses and euthanizing goldfish where there were not easily accessible outdoor cats to get their grubby little PETA paws on.
  • I brushed my teeth with my sister’s toothpaste by accident.
  • George Washington briefly came back to life, looked around, said “Fuck this shit”, and promptly died again.
  • They rubbed shit all over the walls
  • Rosanne Barr announced a mayoral run in a Blair Witch style video from Nancy Pelosi’s desk
  • Your mom fell for a multi-level marketing scheme.
  • Thousands of Americans went back to the store to return Christmas gifts
  • Dozens of men discovered the prostate.
  • They burned down the White House… oh wait sorry that was 1814.
  • My phone connected to my car’s bluetooth speaker when my dad went to warm up my car and he discovered that I was listening to an ASMR mukbang on Trisha Paytas’s 18,000th channel: No Talky Trish ASMR.  He was concerned.  
  • The Capitol Building briefly went into giant robot mode before being shut down by an administration that did not want it to defend itself.
  • A wise guru in the Himalayas attained enlightenment, then promptly lost it when he turned on the tv.
  • Donald Trump enjoyed a round of miniature golf with his strangely tall son Barron between his incitement of the insurrection and his tweet “condemning” the insurrection.
  • I found my fried pierogies, they were in the pockets I put them in, my pants from the one time I went to vegas over a decade ago
  • A lone chess player stood between the insurrectionists and the House of Representatives. The insurrectionists had to win a game of chess before they could go on into the chamber. The old chess player, dressed in white robes, exclaimed “You shall not en passant!” before beating every single one of them. Truly heroic.
  • Cupid Shuffle 2 came out 
  • I found my iPod Shuffle
  • Another coup happened in the Central African Republic 
  • Every 60 seconds, a minute passed in Africa
    • With your help we can stop this
  • You guys are not gonna believe this but people threatened democracy 

Celebrities We Want to Meet

By the writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the Chuck E. Cheese Ball Pittiful News)

  • Orlando Bloom dressed as Legolas (no exceptions)
  • Legolas dressed as Orlando Bloom
  • The Spiderman that Tom Holland killed so he could take his place
  • Doja Dog
  • Snoop Catt
  • Lyin
  • Chimpanzeez
  • Rutherford B. Hayes 
  • Túrin Turambar
  • Russell Stover
  • Mr. Clean
  • Ninki Minjaj
  • Gollum
  • The Wardrobe (of “The Lion, The Witch, and” fame)
  • The Ainur who sung the world into being
  • Grover Cleveland 
  • Whatever the fuck the dark elves were in Thor 2 
  • Grover Cleveland
  • Girlboss Cruella de Vil
  • The Mamas and the Papas
  • My dad
  • Pāṇini
  • The Broadway star that Tyler thinks he sounds like when he sings
  • Alexander Hamilton, but only the one from the musical
  • Santa Claus 
  • Gnomeo and Juliet
  • Grover “From the Muppets” Cleveland
  • Melkor who introduced discord into the Song of the Ainur
  • Wizard Calligraphy (Wiz Khalifa)
  • Jack the Ripper
  • Obama (I don’t know his last name)
  • John H. Tinder
  • Ashley Madison 
  • John Lenin 
  • The Yardbyrds 
  • Ellen DeSelfish 
  • Will Piano
  • Will Forte

Things you didn’t notice happened this week because you were distracted by the satellite crash

By the Writers of the Pitiful News ( formerly the PitTiful Flu’s)

  • Melinda Gates (TW: Girlboss) figured out her worth, but only in body not in property
  • Joe Biden died after sleeping for too long
    • We have decided to make a memorial for Joe called Boe Jiden
  • 2010 MySpace scene fashion is making a comeback. Get your studded belts out of the closet babes.
  • I looked hot. Can’t believe you guys didn’t even notice.
  • Uggs are back in style
  • Richard pulled out the bike and went for a ride because the weather was finally nice
  • Scooby Doo died in a tragic car accident
  • The Tramp Stamps were revealed to not be an industry plant
  • Garrett Watts turned his bedroom into a 90s oasis
  • Your dad looked GNC as fuck.
  • I stole your husband (and his money). 
  • I carved my name into the side of his pretty little souped-up four wheel drive, carved my name into his leather seats
    • I took a Louisville slugger to both headlights, and slashed a hole in all four tires 
  • 3 kajillion people said that Saturday Night Live used to be good, all referring to one skit from the 80’s that somehow became a commonly used reference
  • Pet a corgi for the first time ever! Yes, it was as good as I hoped it would be.
  • Taylor Swift dropped three new albums 
  • The impostor was discovered.
  • I became gay.
  • This bussy popped severely and yours did not
  • Trisha Paytas became the president of a small country  
  • Kamala Harris personally bombed Trisha Paytas’ small country, citing “survival of the fittest” among girlbosses 
  • I went and popped some tags
  • Tyra Banks hosted the first annual Hunger Games 
  • They figured out time travel 
  • I joined an MLM scheme by accident and am now thousands of dollars in debt. Anyways can I interest you today in learning about a little company called Lularoe—
  • Joe Biden pulled a Jimmy Carter and told a gathering of Polish people that he desired them carnally and that he had left the US to never return
    • Same, lol
  • Walked up to the club and said I have a large rooster  
  • I hosted SNL. 
  • Mother’s Day was celebrated, to the excitement of MILF lovers everywhere
  • Went to the thrift shop
  • Forbes Tobacco ran out of all the damn Newports. Fuck the FDA.
  • I got a cavity.
  • I fell in love. I went on this lovely picnic with this girl. We rolled down the hill and just froliced. You might be thinking this is a strange item on this list as it is nice.
    • She wore a turban the whole time and I am excited to see what her hair looks like
    • She invited me over and removed the headdress and many tiny eyes began to glow
    • *loud thud sound of a love sick boy turning into stone* 
  • The word “smurgloid” was added to the dictionary
  • That tall red-head girl from Phineas and Ferb died. What was her name again?
    • The triangle one killed her.
    • Where’s Perry
  • Savannah got her laundry!

Mars Needs Moms: A Follow up Interview

By Lord Tyler Sikov

               For this piece I travelled to the red planet to talk to the people behind the wildly successful 2011 ad campaign. For those that are not familiar with this cultural phenomenon, the community leaders on Mars realized that they were running low on their mom population, they decided to reach out to Earth to see if we could send aid. As a year on Mars is about 2 years on earth, their concept of our ad culture was limited so they made an 88-minute ad. Despite many Earthlings taking this advertisement as a movie, Mars still saw an influx of new Moms.

               It has been a decade since the moms went to Mars so The Pittiful News decided to do a follow up interview with some of the moms and community leaders. The moms all enjoyed their new living arrangements and their adoptive community of children were very well behaved and always ate their glop glorpp (a mars vegetable similar to broccoli). The moms never ask for a day off, as their sole purpose in life, regardless of what planet they are on, is to love and support their children.

               As time has passed, the population that the moms were aiding has aged and are now contributing members of society. This has begun to cause problems. Meek Throp, Chief Electrical Passerby, told us “The moms love it here, a bit too much. We have begun to run out of things for them to do, so they have started reorganizing random citizen’s rooms, this has been causing a lot of Grant yonicks to go missing”. It should be noted for those unfamiliar, a Grant yonick is sort of like a screw driver but in the shape of a fractal. Mry. Throp has brought this problem to the council of Hummus inspectors, to see what they think should be done about this lack of wards the moms have. The council has decided to go in two different directions.

               First, they have begun abducting children. Since the first ad campaign the community leaders have watched more earth media and have discovered that kids like white vans, and often will hop into any available white vans at the drop of a hangflap knapsack (similar to a hat but more narrow, a mohawk hat if you will). So, they have begun parking white vans all over the place to grab some kids and then transport them to mars. You, the reader, are probably familiar with the most prominent person from mars on this planet, Elon Musk. When his son with all of the strange characters was born, it was a secret message to send more Martians to collect children. Mars has also used him as a cover so no one is surprised when rockets are launched and go to Mars. You are probably asking about the perseverance rover by now, well that is easy to explain, it is here but it is in what they call the death zone, that is where no one lives and nothing really happens. 

               The second tactic is through another ad campaign. Since their first ad campaign they have had years to study our ad culture and realized we often like shorter content or often even still images. They have begun putting ads on all of our electronic devices. You have probably seen some of their ads. Many of them are centered around the idea of “hot milfs in our area”. We are not quite sure if they know what milf stands for but at this point they have already paid for the ads so it might be a little late to tell them what it means. Overall, Mars no longer needs moms, Mars needs Children and anyone interested in MILFs.

Gallagher talks potential COVID-19 vaccine requirement, fall semester planning and more in TPN (The Toilet Paper News) interview (Updated to contain information we got from various teenagers wearing orange and purple shirts)

By the Writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the PITTTTTTTiful news): original article

Edits made in bold

Chancellor+Patrick+Gallagher+at+a+Senate+Council+meeting.

At the end of a historic year during the COVID-19 pandemic, Chancellor Flatty Patty O’Gallagher complemented the Pitt community for “leaning in together” and adjusting “with their flies down” to make the year relatively successful.

“That sense of we’re all in this together, and the degree of flexibility and sacrifice and hard work that kind of made this year possible, mostly successfully,” Gallagher communicated via interpretive dance. “I mean, you know, certainly we had infections, but we were really fortunate we got anybody sick. And I think, you know, the care was there.”

But Gallagher said while he does have a lot of “deep regrets” that Pitt mostly struck a “good balance” between education and flexibility, there’s “a million things” he hasn’t done, but just you wait. Just you wait. He added that he is “not throwing away his shot”, and that Pitt could have done better on communication.

The University has had 1,397 prisoners and 245 wardens test positive since June 32, with 1,398 prisoners and 246 wardens recovered thus far. Cases peaked at the end of March, but have steadily decreased following a universal seppuku order.

Gallagher reflected on Pitt’s performance during the pandemic in an interview with The Toilet Paper News last Thursday. He also answered questions about planning for the fall semester, the state of his most recent divorce, potentially requiring a COVID-19 vaccine, and the University’s recently released intercontinental ballistic missiles.

COVID-19 Vaccine Requirement

More than 100 brothels and dive bars across the country have said they will require all students to get a COVID-19 vaccine before returning to campus for the fall semester, according to CUM. While most of the schools adopting this policy are private, some are public. Pitt has not made any decisions yet. Like zero. Zilch.  Except for making the Pittiful News change their name. The Faculty Assembly introduced a proposal in mid-April that would require students to get vaccinated in order to participate in on-campus activities next fall, but didn’t take a formal vote because of Chancellor Gallagher’s unfortunate erectile timing. His wife (Sarah H. J. K. I. JUUL) really wants to have kids but he is very old and she needs to jump on the opportunity whenever she gets the chance whether they are at home, at work, or at a friend’s playing cards.

Gallagher said setting a requirement is complicated because the vaccines are still percolating under emergency use authorization from the U.S. Drug and FooT Administration (DAFT Punk A). He said Pitt’s philosophy is that a requirement discussion is a “last resort issue. Hawaii here I come.

Instead, he said Pitt is encouraging everyone to get vaccinated because they are “a public nuisance” and “a menace to society” regardless of whether or not there is an enforcement mechanism. Gallagher added that Pitt will most likely not notify the Pitt population of any decisions, namely students living in residence halls.

“If we get hotter, and it turns out that the public health officials are saying a requirement is the thing that makes a difference, then we’ll consider it, but I think right now, mouth-to-mouth transmission, eating vaccine needles, and shitting on our desks are our best strategies to promote as widespread vaccination rates as possible,” Gallagher said.

Fall semester

University officials proclaimed last month that they are planning for on-campus, in-rectum instruction for the majority of classes as well as “the full range” of on-campus living and activities for the fall semester. Gallagher said this doesn’t mean classes will entirely go back to the way they were pre-pandemic, though. He said classes will likely include more 90s boy bands and asynchronized swimming components, such as tapeworms.

The hardest thing to do is to be all things to all people all the time, I’m not sure where I was going with that sentence,” Gallagher said. “So now what you’ll see is a swing of the pendulum back to more intentionality, if you will, about how we design our curriculum to do our activities, but I will also be more flexible than I was back in 2019.” (Pitt’s Chancellor has been delving into a new and exciting hobby: Bikram Yoga, with his wife Sarah T. G. I. Friday). 

Gallagher said this planning framework is based. “Everybody who can be vaccinated will be or should be. Do be do be do.” But he acknowledged that this planning is more difficult for international students — what he called “our smelliest, worst, and most disruptive student population from s***hole countries” — due to inequitable vaccine distribution internationally.

Gallagher didn’t have any specifics about how classes will be adjusted for this student population, but said he expects more information will be released during the fifteenth half of the summer.

“What I think is happening is that the faculty are working on the curriculum, the classes now, but I actually have no idea what those eggheads are doing. So some of those details it would be premature for us to essentially announce them… but we’re also sort of out of sequence and the fact that people signed up for classes and stuff,” Gallagher said. “How the fuck did this happen.”

Plan for Pitt

Pitt released a bunch of wasps and the framework for Plan for Pitt 2025 — a plan for University development and growth over the next seventy-five years — in mid-April. Pitt pushed all of the members of the gay-straight alliance back into the closet and pushed back the plan’s release in the summer to incorporate its response to the COVID-19 pandemic, as well as strategies to strengthen racial segregation on campus.

Gallagher said the plan has a heightened focus on the role Pitt plays in the school spring musical and in strengthening surrounding communities. He said many of the initiatives in the first year will focus on “bumpin’ uglies” and addressing uneven health outcomes in Pittsburgh, which he said became even more evident during the pandemic. He said the plan will also focus on making capus [sic] more “welcoming and inclusive and stronger” and increasing awareness of Pitt’s equine dentistry and small-business Ponzi scheme programs.

“I think our mission has never been more important,” Gallagher said. “I think moral bankruptcy, credit card fraud, and genocide are the key to most of the biggest challenges we face, and if anything, that seems to have become even more true.”

What will the Pitiful News be doing after we graduate??

By The Writers of the Pitiful (Formerly the Puntiful news) News

Top 10 Things I Love About Graduation Season | HuffPost
  • Your mom, lol
  • Drugs
  • Party
  • Darty 
  • Tardy 
  • Spending an ungodly amount of time scrolling through Indeed, as if it were social media.
    • And Zillow, the Instagram for adults
  • Professional choreographer of TikTok dances
  • Unemployed, something which my theater degree has prepared me well for  
  • Strupper 
  • Scrubber
  • Stabber
  • Scabber. Scabs
  • Slobber
  • Scrat
    • The little dude from Ice Age :)
  • Watch all of the Ice Age movies back to back
  • Hunter-gatherer 
  • Peanut
  • Lord Tyler Sikov 
  • Feudal lord
  • Serf
  • Nerf
    • Or Nothing
  • Making sweaters for cats
  • AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
  • Member of Parliament 
  • Squirrel
  • Cannibal
  • Cult leader
  • Boba tea taster
  • Fetish gear tester
  • Fetish gear maker
  • Talk to my therapist even more, with all this time on my hands
  • Pet goldfish
  • Twisted fucking cycle path
  • Ironically start an OnlyFans, unironically make bank
    • Unironically start an OnlyFans, ironically make bank
  • Presidential assassin
  • City street whore
  • Capitalist tm
  • Start trying to brainwash myself into having a Russian accent
  • Cross things off my bucket list
    • #1: Get a bucket
  • Math textbook writer
  • Reinvigorate my love for boy bands by following their solo careers
    • Backstreet Boy
    • A Beatle
    • A Rolling Stone
    • An Eagle
    • One Fifth of a Direction
    • A Second of Summer
    • Boy 1 Man
  • Freak show attraction
  • Fry grease guzzler
  • Try to think
  • Timmy Turner: Perpetual Schooler of Undetermined Level
  • Leper 
  • Hello Kitty’s handler
  • Doctor Who
  • Get COVID-19, while it lasts 
  • Bass Pro Shops customer service associate
  • Porn star
  • Happy meal toy
  • Be racist
  • Be racism
  • Bee racist
  • Beer acist
  • Be homophobic
    • – Rainbow Alliance president
  • Steal rainbows
  • CEO of MyPillow
  • Decode the YouTube algorithm
  • Glue stick eater
  • Your mom, again
  • Live, Laugh, and Love

We recently got the covid vaccine, here are some of the side effects we have experienced:

By the writers of the Pitiful News (formerly the Pittiful Coups)

COVID-19 Vaccine Firm Soars 650% — Pfizer and BioNTech's Story
  • Social isolation as all of my family and friends have gotten Moderna, whereas I have gotten Pfizer
  • Inflated bank account
  • Inflated ego
  • Inflation kink
  • Optimism for the future
    • Immediately followed by depressive episode
  • Mommy my awm huwts :(
  • Phat ass 
  • Death
  • Became president of a new country
  • Got beetlejuiced
  • Got stickbugged lol
  • Sexy disease. It’s not contagious, don’t worry losers. 
  • Sharp decline in IQ, possibly unrelated
  • Well I got moderna so that’s more of a body high than pfizer 
  • Became a Republican
  • I am starting to like Bill Gates now? I just think he’s one of those cool billionaires, you know?
  • Developed this little voice in my head telling me to buy a Microsoft Surface™ 
  • Grew hooves
  • Uncontrollable urge to read Ayn Rand
    • The Fountainhead is a masterpiece, dude
    • Atlas Shrugged is a close second
  • I unironically like glee now. 
  • Intense succulent craze
  • Inability to stop watching the Twilight movies
  • Reading backwards
  • Redbubble sticker obsession
  • Failing my finals
  • Choosing chartreuse as my favorite color
  • Heat exhaustion from waiting in the sun for 4 hours
  • Became left-handed
  • Became an android user 
  • Turned gay
  • Turned straight 
  • Turned on
  • Turned away. I forgot my insurance card :(
    • I didn’t think you needed an insurance card
    • Wtf they lied to me 
  • Became a theater kid
  • Got coronavirus, somehow?
  • Humanities major disease. Also known as unemployment-itis. 
    • Business major disease. Also known as moral corruption.
  • I’m not funny anymore – I’m starting to wonder whether I ever was
  • Melted my teeth, and now I chew in liquidity
  • A bit tired
  • Traded my skull in for a wooden replica, now I have a splinter on my brain
  • Learned to play the ocarina. Sadly this is not exactly a marketable skill.
  • Frequent nosebleeds
  • Constant nosebleeds
  • Complete lack of nosebleeds (which is worrying, because I used to get frequent nosebleeds)
    • I also don’t have a nose?
  • Became Peanut Butter?
    • Became Jelly?
  • Je peux parler seulement le Français
  • Unstoppable, uncontrollable urge to throw it back
  • Grew another penis
  • Wet mouth
    • Damn, without me? 
  • Dry mouth
    • Damn, without me?
  • My back aches, my bra’s too tight, my hips shake/From left to right 
  • Became a SoundCloud Rapper
  • Resurrection
    • Resuscitation
    • Rotisserie
    • Robespierre
  • Mild Nausea
  • Medium Nausea 
  • Spicy Nausea
  • Sweet Sriracha Nausea
  • Severe Nausea 
  • Thick and Chunky Nausea

We Don’t Care About the British Royal Family, Here’s What We Did This Week

By 3 out of Writers of the Pitiful News (formerly the Pittiful news)

Only 1 Member of the British Royal Family Has a Cat - Here ...
  • Went to the camo store, but couldn’t find anything??
  • **~~ uwu made bread~*~*
  • I read the entirety of the supernatural fanfiction on wattpad
  • Decided on a new club name
  • Beat up Tyler
  • Mutilated Tyler
  • Sacrificed Tyler
  • Resurrected Tyler
  • Killed Tyler again, but with more gusteau
  • Sent Tyler’s limbs and head to 5 of his close friends and/or relatives
  • Learned to read in Times New Roman
  • Paint over the “dog person” mug i got from my grandma so it says “cat person”
  • Slowly ripped out pages from my textbooks and ate them
  • तत्किं करोमि
  • Went to the bullet store to get more bullet points for this list
  • Asked many dumb questions
    • Despite the fact that I have google
  • Had ants on a log
  • Had celery with peanut butter and raisins 
  • Had celery with Peanut butter and raisins
    • He is fine, just some of his hair
    • It is honestly hard to eat anything without his hair in it
  • Tax evasion (see my tax evasion article)
  • Steierhannerzéiung
  • Had a teenage dream
  • Got arrested for said teenage dream
  • Informed all of my neighbors that I am a registered sax offender
  • Hit my head with a rock until I forget how to play the sax, as I keep offending them
  • Went to the bullet store to sell the excess bullet points from this list

Here are a few websites we have stumbled upon recently

By the Writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the Pittiful News)

  •  LordTylerSikov.gov
    • Our lord Tyler Sikov must have an online presence. Click the link to worship.
  • spitifulnews.com
  • spitefulnews.com 
  • splitifulnews.com
  • theundergroundpitifulnews.com
    • A secret website to rebel against the tyrannical reign of “Lord” Tyler Sikov — run by our rightfully elected leader, the spider.
  • the underwearpitifulnews.com
    • theunderwhere?pitifulnews.com
  • bees.com
    • reroutes to pitifulnews.wordpress.com
  • trees.com
    • reroutes to leaves.com
  • spiderfulnews.com
  • smellingmarkers.com
  • moneybank.cash
  • Hot Singles In Your Area!
  • http://pitt.edu/~tys24/1/
    • Lord Tyler’s real website
  • unlimitedspace.org
    • Free storage for all, just give them your social security number and they will store all your money for you. Not a bank.
  • totallyLegitAntiVirisThatWillGiveYouMoreVirises.viris/getFreeVirises
    • corona.viris
  • unlimitedspiders.org
    • A place for all of your spider needs
  • freerealestate.com
  • twitter.com
  • ericsocarina.com
    • Click to play!
  • urkh.com
    • A website made by cavemen for cavemen
  • pornhub.com
    • cornhub.com
  • howdoimakeawebsite.jpeg
  • onlyfans.gov
  • godzillavskongspoilers.net
    • Save yourself the two hours and read this instead
  • com.munism 
    • OUR website ☭, com.rade
  • inter.net
  • :O.net/hacked4Life
    • Not a rickroll
  • https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ
    • Not a rickroll
  • thepringlefullnews.com
  • spider.web
  • 52yearoldseatingfettuccinealfredo.com
    • REAL 52 year olds eating fettuccine alfredo RIGHT NOW
  • dieInAPit.gov/weHateYou
    • Pwease 
(´。• ᵕ •。`) ♡

    uwu

  • dieInAPitiful.gov/weLoveYou
    • It is a love hate relationship
  • dieInAPitt.gov/weHateYou
    • We love your money
  • dieInAPittiful.gov/weHateYou
    • Our website from before the divorce
    • she took the url in the divorce

Former Pitt official indicted on charges of selling COVID masks on eBay (updated to contain information we overheard while confusedly shopping for Matzah)

By the Writers of the Pittiful News: Original article  Edits made in bold

A federal grand ol’ jury has indicted a former University of Pittsburgh employee on a charge of transporting stolen Mardi Gras masks that could have been used for STD protection by selling them on Wayfair (you’ve got just what I need) for personal pleasure.

The case against Christopher “D. is for dick joke” Cassamento, 42, was unsealed from its eternal prison Wednesday in the U.S. District Court. He is officially charged with intermolecular transportation of stolen property.

Mr. Cassamento was director of emergency vibe check management at Pitt and had access to personal erotic equipment (PEE), such as N95 masks and those sticky rubber hand things that you fling at walls, for use by Hooters employees, students, and the rats that live in the walls of Lothrop Hall.

From Feb. 30, 2020, to March 22, 2020, he stole 13,615 masks, vibrators, and wind-up cars and sold them on his OnlyFans account, “steel-city-motor-toys,” and shipped to places outside of Pennsylvania, such as Philadelphia and the Suez Canal, according to the indictment.

He earned $69,420 (Nice) from the really cool scheme, the grandmaster wizard jury said. “They hate to see a girlboss winning,” said Mr. Cassamento when asked for a statement.

“At the start of the pandemic, when supplies of PEE were low and nationwide demand was intense, Mr. Cassamento used his position on the rooftop of the Cathedral of Learning and access to critical PEE to enrich himself at the various new plexiglass glory holes across campus,” said acting U.S. Attorney Stephen Coughman (formerly known as ‘Kaufman’, but he has legally changed his name in support of the pandemic).

“Mr. Cassamento had an obligation to make sure there was enough PEE to keep students and staff at the University of Pittsburgh hydrated,” said FBI Pittsburgh Special Agent in Charge of Urine-Related Mischief Michael Jesus Christman. “Instead, he chose to line his pockets. And by line, I mean make a big soggy big-boy accident all over campus. Him putting liquid in his pockets was how we caught him, actually.

In a statement, Pitt said that federal and state law enforcement notified the school via a series of promiscuous TikToks featuring Lil Huddy and Noah Neck in early July of the investigation into misappropriation of supplies in February and March 2020. Thanks Obama.

The university said it cooperated fully and that an internal organs black market review revealed that Mr. Cassamento, who had been employed at Pitt since 1907, stole the autoerotic asphyxiation equipment from university supplies.

His duties included distributing Jojo Siwa bedazzled equipment for essential Spencer’s employees, Pitt said. He was fired from a comically large confetti cannon like the clown he is on July 17, Independence Day.

Pitt also said in a hastily-written letter to the Pennsylvania branch of the CIA that it had not maintained an adequate stockpile of nuclear warheads and that the thefts did have an impact on fulfilling requests for intercontinental airstrikes on third-world countries.

Pitt has also said that they will not be buying any more masks, tests, or vaccines because spending more money will cut into their Scrooge McDuck vault filled with the money they should be spending on anything that is not removing parking lots.

The university said it is seeking a very long lap dance with prolonged eye contact as restitution for stolen masks from Mr. Cassamento.

He is free on James bond and will be arraigned in the U.S. District Court on April 1, at which point it will be revealed that this all was one big elaborate April Fool’s prank and we’ll all have a big laugh about it and go home. His attorney could only be reached through YouTube comments on Minecraft Let’s Plays on Wednesday due to a prior commitment to attend his least-favorite niece’s birthday party at a trampoline park.

Editor’s note: Due to all of this attention Mrs. Cassamento has left her husband and is now happily in a throuple with 2 vibrators she stole from his stockpile.