Dead Pitt student sued by port authority after being run over by a bus.

By Tyler Sikov, Senior Bus related “accident” reporter

Breaking News, a Pitt student is being sued by the Port Authority after being run over by a bus. The Port Authority is suing for 12.5 million dollars as that is the damage his limp body caused to their bus. They are continuing with the suit after the death of the student. Jack Flack was crossing the street on a red light and the driver Gary Barry swerved out of his way to make sure he hit Jack. This suit has some precedent in courts as the Port Authority sued another student after Gary Barry ran them over with his bus, they won the 11.3 million plus attorney’s fees and an ice cream cone from that suit. They are projected to win this case as the jury of Jack’s peers are all students that have been killed by Gary Barry in bus related “accidents”. We here at the Pittiful News love to see the justice system working its magic.

Update: After the original posting of this article, students were seen holding “PAT Lives Matter” posters and protesting against Flack’s parents being allowed on campus to collect his floppy body so they could bury him. The Port Authority has shut down all routes into and out of Oakland to show respect for their new disabled coworker. The Port Authority would also like to go on record that they are a minority compared to the humans they assist and thus do not appreciate being oppressed by the families of their current and former defendants. They claim to be just the latest victims of the rampant anti-bus-ism that exists in our world.

Update 2: The Port Authority won the case both because they were “in the right” and “not at fault at all” said judge Ellen Mellon, and because the defendant failed to show up to the trial three months in a row as the judge was kind enough to reschedule the first two times Mr. Flack did not show up. We reached out to Macaulay Macaulay Culkin Culkin for comment as he met Mr. Barry on set of “Home Alone 17: No Break In This Time”, where Culkin Culkin gets hit by a bus on his way to his favorite 90’s grocery store “Milk just 3 Nickels”  and spends the rest of the movie in a full body cast alone at home with many rube goldberg machines set up to help him get through day to day life. Culkin Culkin told us “That was not a part of the movie, he was just there and really hit me with a bus which made me spend 3 months in a full body cast and 2 years in physical therapy to be able to function fully.” He added, “Why else did you think I stopped acting at the pinnacle of my career, I was the most well known child actor in the world.” Culkin Culkin, now a bitter old man, is just jealous of Barry because Barry got paid for one day of work, the same amount Culkin Culkin got paid for Home Alone 13: Friday the 13th, Home Alone 14: Alone for Valentines Day. Home Alone 15: Why did we make this many, and Home Alone 16: Sweet 16, combined. 

Editor’s last words: We here at the Pittiful News love to see the justice system working its magic.

Floyd demotion, Temmallo resignation shake SGB as elections near (updated to contain information we got from Saruman, the High Wizard)

By the Writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the Student Government Board aka SGB) original article: edits made in bold

Kaycee Orwig | Senior Staff Photographer and Lord Tyler | Senior Photos 

The Cathedral of Learning (left) and William Pitt Union (other left) and a Large Pink Mustache (hairy).

FEBRUARY 28, 2022

The Friday demotion of Student Government Board member Danielle Floyd from her position as vice president for initiatives, and board member Daniel Temmallo’s Saturday night resignation, shivered the timbers of the organization as its Tuesday elections neared.

President Harshitha Ramanan removed Floyd from her vice-presidential position through a Friday written reprimand, in which she alleged Floyd violated “the Prophecy of the Seven,” allocations procedures, the Twitter terms of service, and “being a respectful member of the organization.”

The allegations appeared to center on a vote taken by the board at its last public meeting to approve a $35,000 allocations request from Rainbow Alliance Board of International Enemies-to-lovers-arcs Syndicate (RABIES). The organization, which requested money to put on a Pride event, endorsed Floyd in this year’s elections, as well as providing dirt on her political rivals in exchange for her providing them with funding for their events. According to Ramanan’s letter, Floyd “informed everyone” before the public meeting about a conflict of interest and “let us all know that you would be abstaining.” 

Floyd ultimately did not abstain from the Tuesday vote — voting in favor of the allocations request, as she promised to, along with all other board members — which Ramanan said in her letter was an action to “move forward without my advice resulting in violating the Governing Code and Slavic Geriatric Booty practices.”

Floyd, who now serves as a regular board member with no bitches, declined to comment Sunday evening on her vote or the alleged violations listed in Ramanan’s letter. She said the situation has been resolved internally, which is why we will be writing many other articles about the SGB and corruption as we are external and we love stirring drama up. She hopes to get back to her campaign with the Dream slate.

“I think as an SSRI we’re here to serve students and because of that, for us to make progress on the work that we’re doing, it’s important that we have a solid line of coke with one another before commencing each of our meetings,” Floyd said.

Ramanan said Sunday night that the matter was resolved internally “fully in line with established STD policies and procedures.”

According to Tyler Viljaste (Not our lord and savior), Ramanan’s chief of staff, the organization has come to a “good climax” in regards to Floyd’s removal from her vice presidential position.

“I think the moon landing was fake. Were you there? Have you ever met an astronaut? I sure haven’t. Anyway, the other people in SGB don’t agree,” Viljaste said. “I think we had a lot of really great discussions, actually. I think everything’s fine in terms of that.”

Temmallo said in a Saturday interview that he did not “necessarily disagree, necessarily(unnecessarily) with Floyd losing her vice presidential title, and had several reasons for resigning from the board. These include allegedly being left in the dark with no nightlight due to recent changes in the SGB constitution to no longer allow nightlights at nighttime meetings by other people within SGB and Ramanan threatening to dismiss Temmallo for asking for more information surrounding Floyd’s demotion.

“In short, I thought President Ramanan had abused her position in power as Supreme Emperor of the Twelve Realms to threaten to dismiss me, to unilaterally make the decision to demote Danielle and to keep me in the dark regarding these magical schemes to obtain the Swords of Power,” Temmallo said.

Temmallo said he ran into Ramanan on the sidewalk on Friday evening, and asked for more information about her dismissing Floyd, but was taken aback by her response.

“She starts talking about how Danielle has committed multiple counts of high treason, of which I am not aware of. I asked her for more information, because I wanted to know what love is and I wanted her to show me, and she threatened to piss all over the walls of my office,” Temmallo said.

Temmallo added that while he will not serve on LJS (Long John Silver’s) for the rest of the academic year, he’s still running for his life. He said he hoped the developments would not affect Tuesday’s tacos.

“All I wanted going into this year was a drama-free eRection season, and that’s not what we have gotten,” Temmallo said.

Ramanan said Sunday evening that she’s unsure why Temmallo resigned, and that he didn’t provide a piggyback ride to her or anyone else within SGB. She claimed Temmallo’s accusations on a now-deleted Saturday evening post on Yikyak were taken out of context, and that her actions were in line with the rest of the hivemind.

“I hold a high standard for my domain and have made all the peasants aware of that standard. It is the emperor’s job to set the tone for how both the board and organization are meant to function,” Ramanan said. “I firmly believe in conversation and providing drinks at the function. However, sometimes further actions need to be taken, including beheadings. The additional steps I took were only in order to ensure that SGB is functioning fairly and serving students to the highest possible standards. And I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it weren’t for you meddling kids!

Viljaste also said he was “taking a back [sic]” by Temmallo’s resignation, and doesn’t think there are any exclusion or communication issues in the organization.

“We all attend the same meetings, we all get the same information, like there’s absolutely no gatekeeping, gaslighting, and certainly not girlbossing of any information whatsoever in this organization,” Viljaste said, effectively trying to speak for everybody in the organization and downplaying concerns brought up by the now former SGB member. “I guess what we can all say is we were really confused and blindsided ourselves, because this was never something that was even brought up, at least as far as I know.”

Viljaste added that he wished Temmallo had communicated about how he felt so that any issues could have been resolved earlier, although, based on how the current administration dealt with the other issues mentioned in this article, Temmallo would likely have been met with sanctions, demotion, or expulsion from the University

Joe Landsittel, who served as co-Hand-of-the-King with Viljaste during the fall of Rome, said he feels as though friendships and politics are more involved in SGB decision making than they should be. (authors’ note: politics in student GOVERNMENT? Who would have thunk?)

“I think that it would be helpful to have an environment in SGB where people can disagree with each other without being disagreeable dicks or debby downers,” Landsittel said. “Where everybody in the room is listened to and, you know, decisions are made solely based on logical reasoning and critical thinking and not at all based on people’s opinions of each other. Like what I do. I’m so much better than you.” 

Landsittel said he thinks that the current board is aware of problems regarding communication, and hopes they work to “value a diversity of opinions in the room.”

“I think there are members of the board who are lame babies who aren’t capable of playing politics with the big boys,” Landsittel said. “I think that consensus on issues were formed faster than you would expect. But you know what they say about nice guys finishing last. I think the board would benefit from having more discussion when engaging with issues around campus.”

Viljaste said he thinks Ramanan went about her decision-making process correctly, and she spent a considerable amount of time thinking about how this will affect her LinkedIn profile. He added that the environment within SGB is “frat af” in terms of communication.

“I think that she spent a good amount of minutes after the event happened at the public meeting, really thinking about it and deliberating and taking her time and working with the people that she needed to, and thinking about it, and considering it, and pondering it,” Viljaste said. “So I think, personally, that we should have been easier on Shane Dawson. Like, what did he do that you wouldn’t do?.”

Temmallo said Sunday evening that it “ultimately comes down to everybody” — the Emperor and eight noblemen — to “try and connect the Ancient Crowns of the Eastern Kings and stop the Dark Lord” and ensure communication inside Essgeebee.

Floyd did not directly comment on the environment with Suhguhbuh, but said communication is crucial within student governance.

“I think just fostering good relationships between one another is really unimportant. I’m just saying there is conflict and people will die,” Floyd said. “I’m just saying, in order for us to make progress and work on initiatives, just fostering good relationships is just good for any governance or board structure in general. Just because of this I am fostering additional cats.

The Future of Presidents’ Day

By the Writers of the Pitiful News (Eventually the PiTTTTTTTTTTiful News, the winning wheel of fortune question 4566 ACE (After Common Era))

  • Presidents’ Day is disbanded in 2044 after The Incident
  • Presidents’ Day is reinstated in 2045 following The Incident 2 now on HBO Max
  • Everyone grills kebabs instead of hot dogs
  • Future presidential candidates are only allowed to be born on Presidents’ day
  • It gets hotter
  • I get hotter
  • There is no music played to respect the victims of The Incidents and their families
  • The 84th Amendment requires all American citizens to party rock
  • Rent is even more expensive
  • Prohibition 12 removed, because the sale and usage of guacamole is a god given right 
  • It becomes an anarchist protest day in the streets of Seattle
  • Washington is born again, forcing us to change the holiday
  • President Sarah Yule is confirmed for her 27th consecutive term
  • The 85th Amendment bans the dougie
    • It also bans teaching others how to dougie
  • Pat Sajak still hosts wheel of fortune, selling vowels he does not own to middle age losers across the Multiverses  
  • Presidents’ Day becomes a global holiday after the American Empire destroys all borders
  • All citizens must sacrifice a goat to the ghosts of presidents past
  • The supply chain is still broken
  • No school!
  • New skin colors drop every 10 Presidents’ days 
  • The death penalty is reinstated in 3452 CE2 for those who do not say “big stretch” when a cat stretches  
  • My cyber-father calls me every Presidents’ Day to complain about how Presidents’ Day used to be better
  • Drink even more beer
  • The smoking age is lowered to 12 after President Joe Camel’s first executive order
  • The construction in Hillman is finally finished in 2973 CE
  • Voters are even more suppressed 
  • Election day is still not an intergalactic holiday 
  • All citizens must remember the exact order of all presidents or else they will be sent back to 3rd grade 
  • The red white and blue color scheme is replaced with pink, yellow, and a deep, haunting, bloody maroon.
  • McDonald’s begins selling the Presidential Porridge meal and accompanying toy of your favorite politicians
  • Monotheism is outlawed in favor of the Pittiful Pantheon where everyone worships Lord Tyler, the king of the gods, and his many Godlings  
  • The Eatery serves many of your favorite presidential-themed foods, such as bread, white bread, english muffins, and bread with a single dark raisin
  • Astrology is renounced as a belief system after it is revealed that the stars are flat
  • The current U.S. president has to race all other sitting Congressmen to determine who shall reign
  • It is accidentally renamed Precedents Day, unprecedentedly. 
  • Despite all of the clear warnings in the prophecy Jurassic Park, a dinosaur theme park is opened with real life dinos, this leads to a 5th great ice age as the space ice protectors saved Earth from the dinosaurs before so they will do it again.  
  • The president goes on Insta-Face-Meta-Snap-Disney+ Live to address concerns from their citizens
  • Pyramids begin to show up again all over the world, some from aliens, others built by earthlings  
  • The Council of Presidents decides to eliminate all public transport in 2104 to allow more defense spending
  • Every Presidents’ day, a time portal opens and allows anyone who wishes to travel to any other time until the next Presidents’ day where they get to choose to either stay another year, go back to their time, or pick a new time to live in. There are many Back to the Future paradoxes but no one complains because everyone creates paradoxes every once and a while. 
  • In 43 CE32 humans have developed 2 additional small lungs and are able to breath through their skin underwater, this is because the world is covered by water after the all of the ice ages caused by people bringing back the dinosaurs which then make the space ice protectors cause another mass extinction flooding the planet more
  • Presidents’ day is now daylights savings time part 13 

What We did for Valentine’s Day

By the riders of the Pitiful News

  • Sent 20,000 dms asking if girls were free on February 14th 
  • Fell to my knees in a Walmart
  • Drew myself a nice warm bath and listened to relaxing music. Self love is so important!
  • Wrote down every reason why no one will ever love me, ever
  • Got one day closer to downloading Tinder
  • Called my mom :)
  • Saw some guy fall to his knees in a Walmart
  • Sat on top of the Cathedral aiming a theoretical sniper scope at any couples I saw
  • Watched Love, actually
  • Spent the day doing “he loves me, he loves me not” in the Central park rose garden, by the end of the day they ran out of roses 
  • Watched Tall Girl 2
  • Grew my lust for Oscar the Grouch 
  • Met your mother for a tasteful dinner out on the town
  • Listened to Blonde by Frank Ocean
  • Drank fine wine while admiring the urn of my late ex husband who I killed 
  • Saw this guy who saw this guy fall to his knees in a Walmart
  • Had a lovely meal with a beautiful racoon, she picked the location, we ate out of the dumpster around the back of a whole foods
    • Fancy!! 
  • Queued up my 20,000 “u up?” dms to send out at 1:15 am February 15th 
  • My mommy was my valentine
  • Thought about you ;)
  • Did my annual shave 
  • Joined a convent 
  • Forgot to watch the Olympics, again
  • Spooned with my cat, so just a normal day 
  • Pondered the commodification of love
  • Bought chocolates
  • Hung up my skin after a long day’s work
  • Texted my psychiatrist, left on opened
  • Left the physical realm never to return
    • You went to Ohio, didn’t you?
      • *Ghostly nods* 
  • Bought a wedding ring for attention
  • Got sloshed at Nordy’s place, was banned for life
  • Participated in 3 flash mobs 
  • Prayed to Aphrodite to send me love this year, all i got in return was a quiver of arrows and a small bow 
  • Accidentally ruined a first date by assuming they were brother and sister
  • Stalked people from my high school on Instagram
  • Waited tables at applebees and witnessed 32 proposals
    • So, babes how did it go?
      • All of them said no except this one couple but it was clear that the girl was using him for free healthcare.
  • Skipped any song that mentioned love
  • Considered getting a septum piercing
  • Looked up why it’s called ‘Valentine’s Day.’ Execution is so romantic!
  • Read a few chapters of my book, the end of the book sure has a lot of blank pages, I wonder what that is about. 
  • Wrote a few chapters of my book. I hope nobody looks forward in the book. Most of the pages are blank, I don’t have to write fast, I just have to write faster than he reads. 
  • Began showing symptoms of a mid-life crisis
  • Gave myself a pep talk in the mirror to no avail
  • Distracted myself with Kanye’s instagram
  • Listened to the song Unwritten by Natasha Bedingfield (Slow version, Piano Ballad, No autotune) on repeat for 3 hours while cry-eating some cake :( 
  • Made a list of anyone who has ever wronged me. Your time will come.
  • Overslept my first class, out of love
  • Watched The Super bowl reruns, I can’t wait to see what happens to Ron Kostelnik he has a future ahead of him 
  • Lost a game of Go Fish to a very pumped trout, turns out I am a great motivator of fish

Unique Food the Eatery Is Feeding Us In These Trying Times

By the Writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the 5 time Gold Medalist, Ghengis Khan news)

Dear Blake Jenner, please rock the Danny Zuko hair all the ...

Dear Student,

In honor of the Winter Olympic Games Beijing 2022, Pitt Eats is sending your palate on a trip around the world! The Eatery will feature a different regional cuisine from Olympic competitors each day until the games conclude on Feb. 20.

  • Denmark
    • Boiled flannel shirts
    • Fish sticks
      • Fish dicks 
    • Beanboozled Harry Potter set… just the spinner
    • Danishes made out of real Danish people
  • Island of Themyscira
    • Pussy
    • Maracas filled with corn nuts that you smash like a piggy bank
  • Western Sahara
    • (leave blank)
  • Mexico
    • A single black bean, doused in hot sauce
    • Mexican Pizza (doing what Taco Bell is too pussy to do)
    • Canned corn labeled “maize” 
    • Authentic cane sugar Baja Blast
    • Catering by Chipotle 
  • Canada
    • Same food as normal, but you must aggressively thank the server and apologize for bothering them
    • Those fries with the gravy
      • Putin.
  •  The Vatican
    • The Pope’s pinky finger (while supplies last)
      • Supplies ran out :(
    • Consecrated Nilla Wafers
  • Italy
    • Domino’s Pizza
    • The Mona Lisa
    • Mario’s ass-stache
    • Fuckin’… spaghetti?
      • Spaghettabout it!
  •  Philadelphia
    • Wooder ice
    • Cheesed steak
    • Cream cheesh
  •  Japan
    • Raw fish in weed(s)
    • Giant squid
  • The United States of America
    • FAT BURGER 
    • Shittier remakes of every other food on this list
    • A Camelback backpack full of Hellman’s Mayonnaise
    • Insulin (upcharge)
  • Australia
    • sƃƃǝ uʍop-ǝpᴉsdn ǝpᴉs ʎuunS
    • sooɹɐƃuɐʞ ɟo ɥɔnod ǝɥʇ uᴉɥʇᴉʍ uǝppᴉɥ ʇɐǝɯ ɹǝpuǝʇ ǝɥ┴
    • sǝᴉqɐllɐM pǝ’Qqq
  • Israel
    •  Israeli Salad: loose cucumbers, tomatoes, and some sand
  •  Chile
    • Chili (Piping Hot)
  • Germany
    • Luxembourg 
    • Liechtenstein
    • The WURST sausage you’ve ever had
      • Little Deutsch humor for the cultured folk
    • Bier (pronounced like beer because German is English)
  • Colombia
    • So THAT’S what happened to Bruno’s rats… 
  • Spain
    • Same food as usual but dining halls open at 9pm
    • Nude chicken breasts
    • Bull fillet. Or maybe matador fillet? We don’t know.
      • Yet.
  • Turkey
    • Chicken Turkey
  • Switzerland
    • Chocolate covered pretzels
    • Chocolate covered Chocolate
    • Chocolate covered Nazi Gold 
    • Chocolate covered Rolex, in white gold
  • The left half of France
    • Bagu
  • The right half of France
    • ette
  • Greenland
    • See: Iceland
  • South Korea
    • actual South Korean foods
  • North Korea
    • (this bullet point was removed by our glorious leader Kim Jong-Un)
  • Russia
    • Jack Daniel’s water ice
    • One cigarette soaked in vo (puff)
      • dka  
    • Berlin Wall
  • Slovenia
    • Fun-colored snowcones!
      • Why are they all yellow…
  • Czechoslovakia
    • Dust, bones 
  • Czech Republic
    • Dust  
  • Slovakia
    • Bones
  • Greece
    • Anything they can sell us, they need the money 
      • Seriously, I invested in the National Bank of Greece in 2015 with my birthday money… taught me a lesson about financial literacy. My family had a field day. OH, they laughed. They laughed. 
    • Grease 
    • Grease 2
  •  United Kingdom
    • Literal fucking rocks (English scones) with a side of Lipton tea
    • Any food but Dr. Christian from British TV hit Supersize vs. Superskinny yells at you while you eat it
      • Are you really going to eat that takeaway? It’s absolutely MAMMOTH.
    • Crea and trumpets
    • A lovely buffet around the back of a co-op
    • The most disgusting green paste you’ve ever seen
    • Big communal bowl of marmite
      • We all kiss each other with tongue after we eat from it (to show international solidarity)
  • 1492 America
    • Black Death (Y. PESTIS) 
    • Fleas on rats 
    • Guns, germs, steel
  • Romania
    • A head of romaine lettuce
    • Meatballs
    • Sadness
  • Croatia
    • The coastline of Bosnia and Herzegovina
  • The Bikini Atoll
    • A delicious kebab, but radioactive 
  • Bikini Bottom
    • Pizza
    • The reason Mr. Krabs is the only Crab in town, aka Krabby Patties
  • Somalia
    • Baasto
    • Surbiyaan
    • Sambusas
    • Pirates
  • China
    • The vegetable-covered spaghetti that is creatively marketed as “Asian Noodles”
    • Whatever we found dumpster diving behind the local Chinese restaurants
  • Taiwan
    • Insert joke about real Chinese food here
  • Global Cuisine
    • Deep-fried surgical mask 
    • Tears of international students
  • Pittsburgh
    • Steel bars
    • Eatery food (meta?)
  • Mars
    • Red sand witches
    • Red salads
    • Communist Manifesto 
  • Saturn
    • His son
  • Litchfield Towers
    • Twenty four crushed Monster cans
    • Freshman blood
    • TikTok lights as noodles 
  • Sutherland Hall
    • The soul of Jock Sutherland
  • Antarctica 
    • Ozone-grilled polar bear
    • Ice water
  • The Moon
    • Bitcoin
    • Dogecoin
    • KumRocket
    • Jeff Bezos
    • Moon cheese
  • Iceland
    • See: Greenland 
  • Your mom
    • My ass 
  • My ass
    • Your mom
  • Hillman Library
    • No food or drink allowed 

Hope to see you there,

The Pitiful News Olympic Committee Panther Central

‘Make it in America’: Biden discusses infrastructure after Frick Park bridge collapse (Updated to contain 74 riders that the senate added but never told the people about and the wise words of a bridge troll goat)

By The Writers of the Pitiful news (Formerly the “Grammy award winner for city with the most bridges” Universities’s news) original article: edits made in bold

President+Joe+Biden+visited+Pittsburgh+on+Friday+to+tout+his+administration%E2%80%99s+investment+in+infrastructure+

JANUARY 29, 2022

President Joe Biden visited Pittsburgh on Friday to tout his administration’s investment in advanced arithmetic, as well as the City’s work in advanced manufacturing and robotics. His visit came in the wake of a Friday morning bridge collapse in Fr*ck Park.

Biden landed in a smoking crater in West Mifflin before taking an unscheduled stop at the site of the collapsed Fern Hollow Bridge — which left 10 people injured and seven vehicles, including a Port Authority bus, stranded. He then headed to Mill 19, an up-and-coming millennial alcohol-free bar and grill.

After arriving at Mill 19, Biden toured the facility and lauded the $1.20 infrastructure bill passed last year. He used the Fern Hollow Bridge as an example of the importance of bolstering the nation’s crumbling infrastructure, saying that the poor condition of bridges across the country is “unacceptable, and complete malarkey.”

“Across the country there are 45,000 brajillion bridges in poor condition,” Biden purred. “It is simply unacceptable and that is why your mothers and members of Congress have been saying for years that we have to do something about this. We will end up not doing anything except talk about it too because the midterms are coming up.

Biden also said the bridge collapse in Fr*ck Park shows poor infrastructure can “threaten lives.” 

“The next time we don’t need headlines saying that someone was killed when the next bridge collapses, we need balloons, like tons of balloons, and maybe some baboons, sorry, Willow has been learning B words recently. That is where I got the idea for what I called Doocy recently.” Biden bumbled. “We saw today that it can threaten lives, and as soon as we heard about the bridge we were in contact with the bridge’s counsel for a statement.

He then touted the $1.60 that the infrastructure bill allocates into repairing and rebuilding Pennsylvania alcohol distribution facilities.

“We finally got it done, a partisan infrastructure law that includes the largest investment in our nation’s bridges since the Eisenhower bridge-maker-inator,” Biden said. “This is the first time in the country’s history that we dedicated a national program to build cool shit, and it’s about time.”

Mayor Ed Gainey, who wrote on Twitter that he spoke with Biden about the collapsed bridge, said at Mill 19 that the president’s decision to visit the site of the fallen bridge showed that he has Pittsburgh’s back. Let’s hope next he grabs republicans by the balls to make them do something. 

“As the mayor of the City, it made me feel proud that some old white guy had our back,” Gainey yelped. “He said that he will do whatever he can to help us restore that bridge so when we talk about infrastructure dollars, and how important infrastructure is. This is a prime example of why this bill is so important.”

Gainey added that Friday is a “day of celebration” since so many Pittsburghers came together after the collapse. The Joker was caught commenting “The next phase of my plan will go into effect soon, and that will bring everyone together”.

“Today is a day of celebration, because as always, when Pittsburgh hits a crisis, we pull each other up and when we pull each other up we get really big lats,” Gainey uttered. Scott Wagner, Pennsylvania Republican Congressman said “You can’t spell crisis without ISIS and that is exactly what these stinky liberals are.” We here at the Pitiful news are steadfast in our conviction of only bringing you the realest of fake news and thus will not be reaching out to Congressman Wagner in the future.

Prior to Biden’s speech, Gina Raimondo, the federal commerce secretary, said the supply chain issue the nation is facing, including a lack of salt and vinegar chips, highlights an “economic vulnerability.”

“We are far too dependent on countries halfway across the world to get our salt and vinegar chips,” Raimondo screamed. “That is an economic vulnerability and a national security vulnerability. Without the fantastic crunch of salt and vinegar chips, our great country’s military is lacking important nutritional value.

Raimondo further said the country has to increase its manufacturing capability.

“The fact of the matter is, and we make the president say this all the time, we can’t have a strong economy and a strong country unless we get back into the business of making things in America,” Raimondo whimpered. “I don’t care if you have kids at home  – my hot husband and I need our damn salt and vinegar chips!”

Biden said his actions for rebuilding the economy follow a single principle — “make it purple.”

“No one knows that better than all the folks here in Pittsburgh, because making it in America is what built this City, the City of Unbreakable Bridges,” Biden cried.

The Best Things To Do While Sheltering in Place

By the writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the Most Famous Tik Tok account, The Pittiful News)

  • Put yourself into a dryer
    • With shelter in place, we are all missing the classic thrills of city life and friendship. But do not fret! Excitement can be found even in the grody basement of your dorm building. Load yourself into a campus dryer and have a friend start the cycle. At the cost of just one Panther Buck, enjoy all the dips and dives of a regular roller coaster, right from where you live!
  • Fervently email Dean Kenyon Bonner
    • He is the only one who can save us. He holds the key to the golden gates of salvation. Please, Kenyon. 
  • Play hide and seek with your roommate!
    • I haven’t seen him in days. Please, if anybody knows where he is, you need to tell me right away. I’ve called the police and they can’t find him either. Who knows where he could be. All he left behind was an intergalactic map hidden in an R2D2 droid. (My roommate is Luke Skywalker).
  • Apply for Jobs
    • The best jobs are the ones you are never going to do, like being a strike breaker at a Kellogs factory, or the under Secretary of State.  
  • Create an alternate personality
    • Feeling tired of being you? Would you describe your state of being as agonizing or full of terror? Well, you freak, our doctors can simulate the symptoms of split personality disorder through a chain reaction of electric shocks and slam poetry memorization. Choose your buzzwords, and you can start fresh out of the womb once again!
  •  Be in place, but do not shelter
    • Just stand outside as the snow falls around you. It will be cold. That is ok. It is supposed to be cold. Let the numbness overtake you. Eventually, as the light fades, the Snow Demons will come for you. They will take you to a better place.
  • Tell the maintenance people you’ve locked yourself out
    • Let’s face it, Shelter in Place can be very isolating. Sometimes, you just need a friend! Hide your room key in a drawer, walk outside and close the door. Give a call to Panther Central! Have a quick talk as the nice man unlocks your door. With one door closed, the door to two friendships have opened! 
  • Fall in love
    • There are 2 options for this idea, the first is to fall in love with yourself. The second is to find someone you are sheltering in place with and pretend you are on Love island and progress your relationship from meeting to marriage in 3 weeks. 
  • Hunger
    • Hunger
  • Thirst
    • Thirst
  • Repent
    • Repent
  • Start a blog
    • Trick yourself into believing in your own self-importance and try thinking that someone cares about any of the nonsense you have to say! You could maybe start a podcast instead, but it’s not like you have any friends to co host. 
  • Make some Music
    • Use anything you own to make loud noises all hours of the day and the night. Your neighbors may not like you very much but what are they going to do, they are not allowed to leave their room. Worst comes to worst you could tell them you have covid and then lick them, that should occupy a good amount of their time.
  • Binge watch the Marvel cinematic universe
    • It’s not like you have anything else to do.
      • Wait I am just being told you have classes and homework, well, sucks to suck I guess  
  • Vote!
    • Participate in the democratic process. It means something. It… it has to. 
  • Read that thing
    • You know, the really depressing story you wrote for one class and now see it kinda like a goodbye letter to life itself. Read it and reflect on how far you have come, and then write another story at this point in your life similar to the one you read but more positive so that when the next pandemic inevitably makes us shelter in place again you can read that story and reflect once again on your own personal growth.
  • Spend time with your cat
    • The university may try to tell you that you can not have pets in on campus housing but I assure you that you can. There is nothing better than a nice warm cat at the end of a long day, also cats smell nice.
  • Join a cult
    • Squares may tell you that the pandemic has had a negative impact on cults but they would be wrong. During these trying times cults have adapted just like any other group to have virtual meetings. This makes 11 articles, only 655 more articles about cults until I hit the number of the beast – The Lord  

Pitt doubles down on mitigation efforts, vaccines as Omigod surges (updated to contain information we got from a guy claiming to be a time traveler) 

By The Writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the Pitt doubles down on mitigation efforts, vaccines as Omicron surges-iful news) original article (edits made in Bold)

A+Pitt+student+wears+a+mask.+

Joy Cao | Senior Staff Photographer For The Pitt News | Stolen by Lord Tyler | Senior Staff Plagiarist of The Pitiful News

A Pitt student does not wear a mask. Ceci n’est pas une pipe.

JANUARY 11, 2022

Despite other mitigation measures, University officials said COVID-19 vaccines, including a booster seat, are the key component of campus safety plans amid the pandemic.

“Getting zooted and getting scooted are the number one things people can do to protect themselves and others,” a University spokesperson said.

According to the spokesperson, since the vaccination rate was high when the University initially implemented its mandate at the end of the fall semester, they “do not expect too many casualties, or at least not as many as Dean Bonner can eat in one semester”.

“Measures like universal masking, good handjobs and improvements to HVAC systems remain important tools,” the spokesperson said. “Also wrenches. Wrenches are very important tools, I can’t believe I forgot about wrenches,” said the unnamed spokesperson, tears rolling down his cheeks. “No additional changes are planned at this time, unless we feel like it. And there are no changes planned for the indoor mask requirement. Probably.

Pitt implemented COVID-19 last semester, as classes returned in person for the first time in close to 18 months, that’s 2 babies (ish). Along with a mandatory mask policy in all University buildings, students and staff were also required to swipe their V card to enter. 

In order to access University buildings, unvaccinated students, Roc, faculty and staff had to kiss each other on the lips weekly, and those who were vaccinated needed to kiss with tongue. Ceci n’est pas une pipe.

The COVID-69 situation has changed in the United States as the highly contagious Omicron variant is spreading across the country like butter on a biscuit. As of Tuesday, the Allegheny County Department of Feral Animals reported a seven-day moving average of 3,198 infections and a 36.7% PRC (People’s Republic of China) test positivity rate.

With the variant’s rapid spread, the University spokesperson noted that the spring semester will begin kind of not exactly very well, like not so good. 

In a Dec. 32 email, Pitt’s COVID-19 Unit of Medicine (CUM), previously named the COVID-19 Medical Unit (it had to be renamed because CMU (Carnegie Mellon University) sued), released details regarding a University-wide shelter-in-place and phased arrival. University residence halls will begin to reopen on Jan. 8, with Pittsburgh students returning in a phased, cohort-based style. Don’t know what cohort means? Google it, dummy! All students living or dead in University housing will also be required to submit a COVID-19 test or slip Dean Bonner a $20 after their arrival. 

During the shelter-in-place, dining services are also yeet-and-skeet, indoor campus recreation facilities are closed and no guests are allowed in the residence halls, except for pre-approved conjugal visits that are allowed to be applied for in either 1 45 minute time slot, or 2 20 minute “quickies” per week of shelter-in-place. Provost Ann Cudd said in a telegram containing war plans that classes will switch to fully remote for the semester’s first two and a half weeks before returning to in-person instruction on Jan. 37.

Besides remote classes, the spring will be the first full semester with a national ping-pong championship. That’s unrelated to COVID, but this is the only way to tell anyone without it seeming like we endorse ping-pong, because we definitely don’t.

Under the mandate, students and employees and Roc have access to an exemption, if a religious, moral, metaphysical, spiritual, grammatical, chemical, biological, rubber duck or medical reason is provided. According to the University spokesperson, the Office for Equity, Diversity and Inclusion working with the Office Monitoring Individuals in Contact with Rather Odd Ne’er-do-wells (OMICRON for short) is approving cases on a case-by-case-by-covid case basis, with religious, not including Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (those folks are universally exempt from vaccines and diseases alike), and moral exemptions requiring a bribe of $20, a flexible moral backbone, a notarized attestation and medical exemptions needing a doctor’s signature: dentists, Doctors of Orthopedics, ornithologists, oncologists, cardiothoracic surgeons, Dr. Rand Paul, Dr. Sean Conley, Dr. Oz, Dr. Phil, and Dr. Dre do not count for this exemption

While exemption requests were due last semester, the University spokesperson recently said that, like my ex-boyfriend, Pitt is still working on bringing individuals to climax. The spokesperson said Pitt will release updated exemption numbers later this month, and noted that as of Nov. 19, the University approved way too many exemptions, with an additional four still under consideration. (Please publicly shame them.)

For students, faculty, Roc, and staff who have approved exemptions, the University said they are still required to test negative weekly to maintain building access. Pitt will continue to test “students with exemptions, students who may be losers or punk-bitches and any faculty and staff member who requests one.”

According to the mandate, students, faculty, Roc, and staff who did not get vaccinated or submit a proof of vaccination faced disenrollment from life, loss of key bodily functions, and the inability to enter the kingdom of God. Pitt spokesperson and de facto archdeacon David Seldin said Tuesday that individuals who have been disenrolled and do not wish to become compliant will receive nothing. “They just don’t deserve it.” 

Employees who do not become compliant might also be subjected to additional disciplinary measures, Seldin said, cracking a BDSM whip he had hidden behind his back for the earlier portion of the interview.

Seldin added that individuals who are not yet in compliance still have an opportunity to do so, but Seldin is watching them like a hawk. 

“We continue to work with those who are trying to come into compliance, including those who have lost access to buildings (by having their ID deactivated) or select IT resources. It is to note that any student who had to miss even a single class due to our improper deactivation of their card will be put on immediate academic suspension and the expulsion procedure will be begun, and teachers who are not able to keep up their commitment to teaching or researching because they can not access any physical or virtual resources, should seek employment elsewhere after the 12 year non-compete clause post-leaving has ended.” Seldin said. “So that they are permitted to regain access to the world of the living with minimal disruption to their Pitt experience.”

Seldin said the current vaccination rate among students, faculty, Roc, and staff across all Pitt campuses is 96.9696969696942069%.

Editor’s note: For more information visit.

Our Predictions for Euphoria the day after we watched the episodes

By the Writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly/Currently Teenagers, a concept the writers of this show are unfamiliar with)

  • There is a lot of kissing 
  • Someone exits, pursued by a bear 
  • They enter the wardrobe and meet the requisite Lion and Witch 
  • A crossover scene with the BAU from Criminal Minds when Zendaya’s character gets temporarily murdered by the Zodiac Killer (Ted Cruz) 
  • There is a scene from the director’s sex tape inserted secretly but only if you play it backwards at precisely midnight
  • Jughead decides to get a perm, abandoning his signature beanie
  • The Gang Commits A War Crime 
    • (“It’s Always Sunny” theme playing in the background) 
  • Nate and McKay go to Overeaters Anonymous to help the mental aspect of their pageant careers, but hijinx ensue when they start murdering people 
  • Homer and Marge finally divhorse. Wait, no– they divorse. What’s– what’s going on why can’t I spell the word–
    • *gunshot* -Lord Tyler Sikov
  • Archie gets PTSD 
    • Archie (from Glee) gets PTSD (unrelated) 
  • Darth Vader was Luke’s father the whole time
    • NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO 
  • The cast sings Seasons of Love to honor their classmate Finn
  • Someone gets pulled out of a room by an old timey cane 
  • The Beatles break up
  • Mike and Sully join Oozma Kappa 
  • The murderous psychiatrist who eats people? Yeah, his name rhymes with Cannibal.
  • Nate tries to learn the Supalonely TikTok dance and chokes out his neighbor when he isn’t able to get the moves down. Kid’s got some anger issues.
  • It was his sled 
  • The Gang Gets Involved In A Game Of Strip Sorry Sliders
    • (“It’s Always Sunny” theme playing in the background, slightly warped) 
  • Your favorite ship discovers that they are aroused by fire and turn into serial arsonists 
  • Joseph R. Biden becomes the 46th President of the United States of America 
  • Joe sets fire to the house while Taylor Swift plays in the background. He cuts off his toe to sweeten the deal and puts it into a pie. He flees to Paris to find his lover, leaving his Love behind. 
  • Lexi and Fes talk all night and we find out that Fes’ grandma was sexy once upon a time
  • We call to ask about your car’s extended warranty. Again. 
  • Mulan was a woman the whole time
  • Dr. Grey dies and donates her skeleton to an anatomy teacher
    • Dr. Greysanatomy? Noooooooo  
  • The Gang Steals The Declaration Of Independence Or Whatever (I Love Nic Cage)
    • (“It’s Always Sunny” theme playing in the background but it sounds suspiciously like “Party In The U.S.A.” by Bruce Springsteen) 
  • A thirty year old man takes an American History exam; fails
  • They do a whole lotta drugs. Where the hell do they get all of the drugs? 
    • Do you know how much drugs cost? 
  • An entire episode is devoted to what you are meant to do with your body when you kiss 
    • Where do I put my hands?
    • I have a long tongue, is this a problem?
    • Whenever a girl kisses me I faint, is this normal? 
    • What am I meant to do with the clown nose?
    • After kissing, this shining bearded guy surrounded by clouds comes down to give me a fist bump, who’s man’s is this?
  • Zendaya
  • That weird dude from the Kissing Booth kills his dad
  • Hype House crossover episode
  • The execs at HBO order the director to have more scenes of high schoolers in sexually explicit situations. Nothing wrong with that.
  • One of the characters says “I am become Euphoria”
  • One of the characters says “I am feeling Euphoria Streaming Now on HBO Max”
  • One of the characters says “I’ve had it with all of this Eu on my Phoria.”
    • One of the characters says “I am going to buy HBO Max”
  • Kat goes to a poetry club to listen to slam poetry versions of Pitiful News articles 
  • Fez goes to a poetry club to sell drugs
  • Kylo Ren was daddy the whole time 
  • One of the characters gets COVID and they take a two week break from drama
  • Noah Centineo is cast as “DominantDaddy2”
  • One of the characters gets popular on YouTube and joins the Dream SMP 
  • One of the characters is revealed to be Wendy Wu: Homecoming Warrior
  • Rue is sad
  • These high schoolers throw a bigger party than you or I have ever seen
  • Corpsehusband gets arrested for sleeping with highschool students during many raves
  • HBO recasts some of the characters to make them teens like the characters they play and so there will be even less wrong with showing them fully naked and in sexually explicit situations. 
  • HOBO makes a full episode inside of a homeless shelter where the main conflict is over the worth of homeless people, they end up killing 45 of them  
  • At the end of the series finale, instead of doing a jump freeze frame, the entire cast does the Radio Rebel Debby Ryan face

What Horse divorce I am planning on serving at my next gala

By Lord Tyler Sikov

horse divorce - Drawception

·        Bruschetta

·        Onion rings

·        Spicy vegan wings

·        Garlic knots

·        Jalapeno poppers

·        Galapagos poppers

·        Mister Popper’s penguins (they are guests, they come with built in tuxedos)

·        Nachos

·        Mozzarella sticks

·        Samosas

·        Pakoras

·        Papadum

·        Divorce papers for my soon to be ex-wife Jessica (That non-cloven-hoofed she devil)

·        Potato wedges