How I got banned from Chuck E Cheese

By Tyler Sikov

Before I start this story, I would like to mention that this happened before we were all trapped inside of our houses all day long. Now that that disclaimer is out of the way I will tell you why I was at Chuck E Cheese. I was doing my normal weekend routine of going to places populated by children and just hanging out. This weekend was particularly hard on my because my girlfriend, who is also my cousin’s hamster, broke up with me. We have only been dating about a month but that is like 30 years in hamster time. Because of this sad event happening I needed a bit more cheering up so I go to Chuck E Cheese.

               I went to Chuck E Cheese a number of times while I was a kid and I always enjoyed it. Now at the end of my life, early 20s, I wanted to play some more games before I am gone. By play games I obviously mean cheat. I would stand on the ski ball machines and just drop the balls into the highest point goal, I won many tickets. As a person who is the same age as many of the workers I could pass as one of them so no one questioned why I would be opening up all of the machines or taking prizes from the shelves and putting them into my car.

               Once I was done playing the games, I went over to listen to some music but it was not nearly hype enough. I had to do something about this. So, I go and reprogram the band to play WAP. I knew that the band could not hype up the crowd without some help so I jump on stage and start shredding this song. Right at the end of the song I stage dive into the crowd of adoring fans. I neglected to notice that all of my fans were 6-year-olds so I squished a few of them but that is fine, their parents can always make more without too long of a setback.

               I leave the music zone and go head towards the big pot of peas. I always love eating these multi colored peas that you need to take your shoes off before getting into the pot. I also love that there are many kids always swimming around in this big bowl, they add a bit of extra flavor to this rainbow pea soup. After eating most of the peas I am still hungry so I head to the salad bar and start eating many of the different dishes. After eating a bunch of plates and bowl I make myself two salads, the first I put on a plate for now and the other I pour into the trench coat I have been wearing the entire time in this establishment. I have also been wearing a top hat, a monocle, holding a cane and in a Mr. peanut costume.

               As I have to feed the 12 tape worms I keep safely in my stomach I am still hungry after that. I decide to go over and pick up a small child and eat him. He was surprisingly tasty, I had never eaten a person before, but I mean aren’t kids just appetizer people. I was getting some strange looks at this point so I decide to go and eat several more children in the tube climbing structure. Luckily once I get up there, they have no escape so I fill up on these small children.

               Once I get down from the climbing structure an employee comes up and asks me what child I brought with me. I tell him I just ate several kids and he told me he did not care, but that I needed to have a kid to come to Chuck E Cheese. I did not want to leave so I regurgitated a child and tossed him through a nearby window. I then shape shifted into Slenderman and siphoned the gas out of everyone else’s cars and filled up Chuck E Cheese with gasoline, lit it on fire and drove off. When I got home Chuck E Cheese himself appearing outside my window telling me I could not step foot in a Chuck E Cheese ever again. He should have been more specific because I went to another Chuck E Cheese and levitated all around the place. The night after I got back from my levitation, he showed up again and told me he was impressed by my chaotic energy and told me that I was banned from coming back to Chuck E Cheese ever again. I asked him what was stopping me and he removed his mascot head to reveal that he was actually Danny DeVito on Stilts. I bowed down before his majesty and have not been back to Chuck E Cheese ever since.

A bunch of ways you could wear your mask if you want to let people know you are a jerk right off the bat

By The Writers of the Pittiful News

  1. A sleep mask (over your eyes), for when you forget your curtains at home 
  2. Over the shoulder 
  3. As lesbian earrings 
  4. Inside your mouth like an orange slice 
  5. Fanny pack 
  6. DIY Jockstrap 
  7. The Guy Fieri 
  8. As a condom 
  9. Chinstrap for when you want to pretend you play the sportsball
  10. A hammock for rats 
  11. Use as open-sole shoes or very bad, very holey sock
  12. Upon the posterior
  13. As a cute bandeau!
  14. Very small holster for very small gun
  15. Put two across your chest: DIY bralette
  16. One of those armbands for phones that joggers wear but bad
  17. A reusable candy bag for on-the-go snacking
  18. Wear a disney themed mask and be over the age of twenty (See Sikov, Tyler)
  19. A muzzle
  20. Between the eyes 
  21. As a sanitary pad
  22. Pasties 🤠
  23. DIY blunt
  24. Slingshot 
  25. Super trendy headband 
  26. Beach day made easy with the DIY Speedo
  27. Two-face style where it covers half of your face 
  28. Zuko Cosplay
  29. As an umbrella for a very small rain storm
  30. Following the directions in Mask off by Future
  31. Phone case
  32. Hippie bandana
  33. DIY noose 
  34. Drug balloon to swallow
  35. As a purse to carry your miniature poodle
  36. As a miniature poodle to carry in your purse 
  37. Bikini top 
  38. Bikini bottom 
  39. Bikini vers
  40. thong 
  41. Sexy mask costume 
  42. A shwallet
  43. Handcuffs  
  44. Wig
  45. Beard wig
  46. Sexy coronavirus costume
  47. Hairnet
  48. American girl doll clothes  
  49. A sweat towel
  50. Under the nose.