Cats Smell Nice

By Tyler Sikov (and his cat Peanut butter)

Cats smell nice just out of a bath

Cats smell nice when they help you with math

Cats smell nice when they lick themselves clean

Cats smell nice when their eyes really gleam

Cats smell nice when they hit you on the head

Cats smell nice when they raise the dead

Cats smell nice when they perform a blood sacrifice

Cats smell nice when they hit around a cube of ice

Cats smell nice when they take a drink

Cats smell nice when they wear all pink

Cats smell nice when they greet you at the door

Cats smell nice when they play outside in a downpour

Cats smell nice when they eat your eyes

Cats smell nice when they plan a surprise

Cats smell nice when they hold your hand

Cats smell nice when they do something unplanned

Cats smell nice when they kiss your face

Cats smell nice when they attend jury duty in your place

Cats smell nice when they eat their dinner

Cats smell nice when they behead a sinner

Cats smell nice when they shed their fur

Cats smell nice when they lay there and purr

New TEDxy Talks are For the Boys

By Laura Stockler

For years, TEDx talks have added an element of accessibility to the standard TED talk by broadening the scope of TED’s “ideas worth spreading.” Generally, the TED franchise takes an all-inclusive approach to intellectual stimulation. However, TED has neglected to set aside some time for a crucial demographic—the boys.

“It’s an act of, like, blatant discrimination,” argues one Pitt junior as he wipes the remnants of a recently-shotgunned Busch Light from his chin, “chicks get these, like, incredibly badass and inspirational talks about feminism and women’s rights and shit, but I’ve never seen one about, like, the philosophy of cracking open a cold one with the boys, you know?”

We know.

That’s why, on behalf of all the boys who have ever felt the sting of emasculation at the hands of the TED franchise, the American Advocates of Saturdays Being for the Boys (AASBB) are excited to announce that TEDxy talks will debut this month. TEDxy talks will occur weekly on Saturdays, and will feature both local bros and guest speakers from AASBB chapters across the nation. Audience members are encouraged to BYOCO (Bring Your Own Cold One) to crack open with the boys, but a variety of cold ones will be available at talks as well.

Future topics include: How to Actively Watch Any Sport, The Secret to Chillin’ and Vibin’ Simultaneously, Drafts & Crafts: What Your Cold One Says About You, and Shots Before THOTs: The Key to Embracing Every Saturday.

Don’t miss out on brewskis with your broskis every Saturday at TEDxy—the TED talks created by the boys, for the boys.

The Boys are Back in Town, But They’re Old as Hell

By Jack Seton

Last Monday, Cameron Flosser was walking down the sidewalk when something stood out to him from across the street. He thought he saw some eerily familiar-looking faces.

“I crossed the street to get a better look,” said Flosser. “When I got closer, I began to realize that it was the Boys, but they were so…old, so pudgy, and so embarrassingly unaware of social norms.”

According to Flosser, it had been years since he had seen the Boys in town. Last anyone had seen them, they were cracking some cold brewskies together, asking each other if they knew anyone here, and just generally doing as the Boys do on a typical Saturday. Being several years later, most of the Boys now had families and were middle-aged suburban dads. Naturally, they were now having a barbeque, calling young adult men “champs,” and wearing New Balance Dad 2.0’s.

“At first I couldn’t believe what I was seeing,” Flosser stated. “It finally clicked when one former Boy, Bill, said he was hungry and another former Boy, George, responded with, ‘Hi Hungry, I’m George.’ It was at that moment I could say with absolute certainty that the Boys were indeed back in town, but in dad form.”

The conditions to be considered “one of the Boys” were revealed in an interview with former Boy and current townsperson John Pilsner: “I used to be one of the Boys,” stated Pilsner. “Everything changed when the rest of the Boys decided to leave town and I was the only one who stayed. Since I wasn’t leaving town, I could technically never be back in town, so I stopped talking to the Boys altogether.”

It is unknown when the Boys, now old as hell, will leave town again. Their evolution in the future is highly anticipated, with Thin Lizzy frontman Phil Lynott already being rumored to have written a new song called “The Great Grandfathers are Back in The Nursing Home.”