We have Barron Trump locked in our basement here is what he has to say

By the writers of the Pittiful News

  • I am actually part enderman. 
  • ““““Hey mob, come after us and kill us!” – The Pittiful News” – Wayne Gretzky” – Michael Scott” – Barron Trump
  • Has anyone retrieved my presidential Juul from the oval office? It’s red. Says BARRONBLAZEIT on it?
  • Dr. Jill said she’d give me the wifi code…. Still waiting… maybe my dad was right about her Ed.D. being invalid.
  • I have resorted to eating the rats.
  • Is Old Town Road still on the radio?
  • I can’t wait to get back on to Twitter and see how concerned my dad was about me!
  • All around me are familiar faces… worn-out faces… worn-out faaaaceeees… 
  • Finally, some time to myself.
  • Did I leave the oven on? What is an oven? I’ve never been in a kitchen.
  • I have resorted to eating my own fingers. 
  • I’ve been trying to rub my socks on the carpet because Eric told me if I get filled up with static electricity I get super speed. (editor’s note: we have confiscated his socks)
  • I am now out of fingers.
  • I hope Creepy Joe doesn’t find my manga!
  • Why did they name me Barron? What does it mean?
  • Barron? Barren? My parents’ lives have become barren without me?
  • I can’t eat my toes, because if I eat them I’ll for sure never have super speed.
  • I hope I remember my 4chan password.
  • Scientology is starting to sound kinda good. 
  • I find myself lurking in the shadows of Phoebe Bridgers stan twitter.
  • As my mother once said: “Four score and seven years ago…”
  • I got really into Ariana Grande over quarantine. Please don’t tell anyone though. My dad will call me a sissy and send me off into the Marines. Again.
  • Once Mitch McConnell showed up in my room late at night. He stared at me with his cold, dead eyes. He told me that no one would ever believe me, and he crawled out of my window, vanishing into the darkness. It took a lot of courage for me to tell you this.
  • I wonder if I can see the aliens now. 
  • This is a formal request for my brother, Donald J. Trump Jr., to send me a sample of his special no-no sugar. To get me through the days.
  • Maybe I should get involved in politics now. Sooner rather than later, you know? Barron 2048!
  • I have taken to re-enacting the entirety of Les Miserables as a one-man show.
  • I long for the day that my father will say to me, “Wow son! Your whips are getting really good!”
  • Conclusion: my own hair is not tasty. Mitch McConnell’s, however… 
  • Do you ever feel like a plastic bag? Drifting through the wind? Wanting to start again?
  • I wonder if the aliens can see me.
  • I have resorted to eating Mitch McConnell’s corpse.
  • My geometry homework is kinda hard :(
  • Ok so if Randal Park was on Yo Gabba Gabba and the office, then that means that in the Yo Gabba Gabba universe Jim was Asian for a day. 
  • Not even Dog Biden loves me. 
  • The leather restraints are a little tight, Lord Tyler.
  • I think I used to have more brain cells… 
  • I miss Flappy Bird :(
  • Auntie Dr. Jill, can I have some more apple juice with the goldfish snacks?
  • Auntie Dr. Jill, can you help me with my math homework? 
  • I want to watch Stranger Things but I’m afraid it will make me want to play Dungeons & Dragons, and my dad’s friend Mike says that game is the work of the devil.
  • Mitch McConnell lowkey tastes like string cheese and Prozac.  
  • I have taught myself how to death drop. Do you wanna see?
  • I miss the sunlight.
  • What are all these electrodes for?