By the Writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the Pittiful Soul Patrol)
- Christian Workout Motivation: The Pontius Pilates
- Lo-Fi Death Metal: Adorable Smegma
- Hyper Peruvian Rock Opera: The Rise and Fall of the Andes Mountains
- Acoustic Electronica: Daft Pluck
- Trap: Mice, Bears, other Vermin
- Bubble Pop: Puff Daddy
- We mean P. Diddy
- Wait Just diddy
- Let’s just call him Sean Combs
- Wait Just diddy
- We mean P. Diddy
- Cherry Pop: R. Kelly
- Lolli Pop: The Chordettes
- Dune: Dune
- Comedy: Louis C.K.
- No, that’s real.
- Tiktok Music: That Blonde Girl
- The twist: M Nite Shyamalan
- Best Song Played in a Commercial: Home Depot
- Best Political Anthem: Barbie Girl by Aqua
- The Charleston: The Tiki Torches
- Worst soundtrack: Two Silly guys on an Island
- Most obvious song: I’m Gay by Girl in Red
- Loudest coming from that closet over there: Sweater Weather
- Caused most breakups: A tie between Taylor Swift and Hoizer
- Ska: 14 Guys with Metal Drums
- I have too many kids: Jim Gaffiagan
- He was a Skater boy: She said see you later boy
- Best Fight Song: Chris Brown
- Best song for Deaf People: NPR talk radio
- Person Mentioned in the most rap songs : God
- Person Mentioned in the most rap songs (Who is not God): Jesus
- Person Mentioned in the most rap songs (Who is not God or Jesus):Monica Lewinsky
- Lifetime achievement award: Shane McAnally
- Worst Instrumental Version: Pentatonix
- Best Overall: 12 hours of cats purring
The Pitiful News 