By Rachel Boward
1) Beef! Warm it up, baby. Those meaty patties will keep you all warm and snuggly as the ice storms rage outside. Just apply a nice slab of freshly microwaved cow flesh on all your exposed bits and you’ll be steaming in seconds! Makes for a delicious meal for you and your honey on those long winter evenings as well. Just add some ketchup and mayo and you’ve got a meal fit for a king!
2) Asbestos makes a comeback this February. What asbestos.com/asbestos/ might call an “infamous public health menace” is really your key to a nice, toasty abode. Who doesn’t remember those wonderful evenings at Grammy’s house, fire burning in the fireplace, chestnuts roasting, and you and your five siblings huddling for warmth while you all cough to expel that hot, hot carcinogen from your little bodies. Nostalgic, effective, and 100% safe, asbestos is your key to keeping those gas bills low this winter.
3) Fire. More fire. So much fire. Hot. Burning. Engulfing everything. Let it smolder. Flames lick the ceiling. Scorching heat. Burn. Burn. BURN.
4) Soup bath! Ah, remember the good ‘ol days when you’d come home from a long day of sledding and snow angels to find the tub all filled up with the toasty, delicious liquid? Well, maybe mom’s not around anymore to steam the potatoes or cut up the carrots, but why not just do it yourself! Short on time? Grab a few cans of the store-bought stuff, microwave for a couple of minutes and voila, you’re got dinner and a bath fit for a king. The best part? You can always invite over your closest friends and family to share in the delicious, soupy fun with you once you’re done. Just make sure to clear the suds away before they get there.
5) Friction. Fun fact! Emperor penguins huddle for warmth. So, we can, too! Wanna take it to the next level? Just start rubbing. The faster the better. Remember those high school physics and let your Fsmax by μs η! Use this method to spark your tinder for number 3 as well. Don’t have a close chap to chaf around with? Well, a heavy blanket or textured wall can work just as well. Try it out with any rough surfaces around the house for an exciting day of friction fun!
The Pitiful News 