By the writers of the Pittiful News (Finally, we can write it like normal people)
Clubs and organization are now allowed to have Pitt in their names
Pets are now officially allowed on the grassy areas in the quad
Pepper spray is allowed regardless of circumstance. Let it rip!!
You CAN spray hairspray at a lit bunsen burner in Chevron
Litter boxes will be put back in the Hillman study rooms for all of our FurryCon friends
Smoke-free zones are a thing of the past! Smoke indoors, outdoors, wherever you want
You can dognap the STEP trainees
You can catnap in those cozy little nooks in Cathy
You can FODMAP in the Eatery
It is now allowed to ruin all of the rare books in the library with lemon juice and a blow dryer in an attempt to uncover a map that will lead you to the declaration of independence–which is buried underneath the WPU Oval
It is now permissible to stand under the lab safety showers “just to feel something”
If you kill 2 people just kill a third and you’re all good
You can pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars
I could really use a wish right now
Wish right now
Wish right now (2)
Making triple murder illegal again
There will no longer be fire alarms in the buildings
You no longer have to wear pants inside academic buildings
The most annoying couples ever can take their wedding pictures in Cathy again
Disney’s smash-hit animated movie Encanto makes history with its song “We Don’t Talk About Bruno”, which held the number one spot of the Billboard Hot 100 for just over 5 weeks after the movie’s release on Disney Plus this past Christmas. While you might be familiar with the voices and characters behind the song, not everyone might know the Colombian-inspired track was actually composed by the one and only Lin-Manuel Miranda.
Lin-Manuel Miranda has made waves in music and performance, creating and sometimes performing in wildly popular shows like Hamilton (2015), Moana (2016), and In The Heights (2021). To celebrate the long-lasting success of “We Don’t Talk About Bruno”, let’s go over our top 5 songs that you might not know Lin-Manuel Miranda wrote!
Maz Kanata’s Cantina(Star Wars: The Force Awakens)
Did you know that Lin-Manuel Miranda wrote music for Disney’s Star Wars trilogy? Inspired by the famous tune Mos Eisley Cantina from Star Wars: A New Hope, Miranda takes a new spin on the classic theme to compose a song that’s out of this world!
The Duck Song
Lin-Manuel Miranda made his presence known to the YouTube community on March 23, 2009 when he composed and published the famous Duck Song. Amassing over 500 million views on the site, The Duck Song is Miranda’s most popular song to date! Does the lemonade man seem familiar to you? The lemonade man’s blue shirt was actually a subtle teaser of the costumes worn in Miranda’s future creation, Hamilton.
Eine Kleine Nachtmusik
Written 193 years before his birth, this classic orchestral creation solidified Lin-Manuel Miranda as a musical genius at a very young age. Eine Kleine Nachtmusik is often misattributed to Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, as Disney Studios® froze Miranda in a parabolic ice chamber shortly after the creation of this song in order to preserve his limited human form for the DuckTales soundtrack in 2018.
The Doorbell Sound
You may have noticed that your neighbor’s doorbells play the same musical jingle as yours. Why is that? Lin-Manuel Miranda actually composed the classic doorbell noise in 1831 following its invention by Joseph Henry. His captivating sounds have been used for doorbells ever since. No wonder doorbell noises just make everyone want to boogie! (Especially the man who stole my Amazon package off my porch yesterday)
The United States Moon Landing
While NASA engineers had perfected their set design and costuming for the infamous faking of the 1969 moon landing, they were stumped on sound design, as everybody knows there is no sound in space. That’s when then-president Richard Nixon called in Lin-Manuel Miranda to complete the short film. Miranda lent his expert sound engineering skills to the directing team, and the rest is history!
I hope you enjoyed this top 5 list. Be on the lookout for next week’s article, how to eat chicken raw without getting sick!
Pi is my favorite number in pi because it is all of it, much like how my father has been absent from my home all my life
3 is my favorite number in pi because it is the first digit, much like how my father was absent during the first critical years of my life
Also, somehow, the age of my father when he returned to my life only to leave me once again
As real as my father’s love for me
678, triple nine, 8212
The fibonacci sequence is a very memorable number, as the day my teacher was teaching us it I accidentally farted in front of my crush, Jenny.
The age I lost my virginity
To a 14 year old, hot I know ;)
The number of unread emails my gmail has right now
1 2 1
1 3 3 1
1 4 6 4 1
1 5 10 10 5 1
weewee in binary
Your mother’s phone number
Editor’s note: Attention all Fortnite gamers: John Wick is in great danger, and he needs your help to wipe all the squads in the Tilted Towers. But to do This, he needs a gold SCAR, and a couple of Chug Jugs. To help him, all he needs is the digits of Pi that match your credit card number, the three digits on the back, and the expiration month and year. But, you gotta be quick so that John Wick can secure the bag and achieve the EPIC… VICTORY… ROYALE
By Tyler Sikov, Senior Bus related “accident” reporter
Breaking News, a Pitt student is being sued by the Port Authority after being run over by a bus. The Port Authority is suing for 12.5 million dollars as that is the damage his limp body caused to their bus. They are continuing with the suit after the death of the student. Jack Flack was crossing the street on a red light and the driver Gary Barry swerved out of his way to make sure he hit Jack. This suit has some precedent in courts as the Port Authority sued another student after Gary Barry ran them over with his bus, they won the 11.3 million plus attorney’s fees and an ice cream cone from that suit. They are projected to win this case as the jury of Jack’s peers are all students that have been killed by Gary Barry in bus related “accidents”. We here at the Pittiful News love to see the justice system working its magic.
Update: After the original posting of this article, students were seen holding “PAT Lives Matter” posters and protesting against Flack’s parents being allowed on campus to collect his floppy body so they could bury him. The Port Authority has shut down all routes into and out of Oakland to show respect for their new disabled coworker. The Port Authority would also like to go on record that they are a minority compared to the humans they assist and thus do not appreciate being oppressed by the families of their current and former defendants. They claim to be just the latest victims of the rampant anti-bus-ism that exists in our world.
Update 2: The Port Authority won the case both because they were “in the right” and “not at fault at all” said judge Ellen Mellon, and because the defendant failed to show up to the trial three months in a row as the judge was kind enough to reschedule the first two times Mr. Flack did not show up. We reached out to Macaulay Macaulay Culkin Culkin for comment as he met Mr. Barry on set of “Home Alone 17: No Break In This Time”, where Culkin Culkin gets hit by a bus on his way to his favorite 90’s grocery store “Milk just 3 Nickels” and spends the rest of the movie in a full body cast alone at home with many rube goldberg machines set up to help him get through day to day life. Culkin Culkin told us “That was not a part of the movie, he was just there and really hit me with a bus which made me spend 3 months in a full body cast and 2 years in physical therapy to be able to function fully.” He added, “Why else did you think I stopped acting at the pinnacle of my career, I was the most well known child actor in the world.” Culkin Culkin, now a bitter old man, is just jealous of Barry because Barry got paid for one day of work, the same amount Culkin Culkin got paid for Home Alone 13: Friday the 13th, Home Alone 14: Alone for Valentines Day. Home Alone 15: Why did we make this many, and Home Alone 16: Sweet 16, combined.
Editor’s last words: We here at the Pittiful News love to see the justice system working its magic.
The Cathedral of Learning (left) and William Pitt Union (other left) and a Large Pink Mustache (hairy).
FEBRUARY 28, 2022
The Friday demotion of Student Government Board member Danielle Floyd from her position as vice president for initiatives, and board member Daniel Temmallo’s Saturday night resignation, shivered the timbers of the organization as its Tuesday elections neared.
President Harshitha Ramanan removed Floyd from her vice-presidential position through a Friday written reprimand, in which she alleged Floyd violated “the Prophecy of the Seven,” allocations procedures, the Twitter terms of service, and “being a respectful member of the organization.”
The allegations appeared to center on a vote taken by the board at its last public meeting to approve a $35,000 allocations request from Rainbow Alliance Board of International Enemies-to-lovers-arcs Syndicate(RABIES). The organization, which requested money to put on a Pride event, endorsed Floyd in this year’s elections, as well as providing dirt on her political rivals in exchange for her providing them with funding for their events. According to Ramanan’s letter, Floyd “informed everyone” before the public meeting about a conflict of interest and “let us all know that you would be abstaining.”
Floyd ultimately did not abstain from the Tuesday vote — voting in favor of the allocations request, as she promised to, along with all other board members — which Ramanan said in her letter was an action to “move forward without my advice resulting in violating the Governing Code and Slavic Geriatric Booty practices.”
Floyd, who now serves as a regular board member with no bitches, declined to comment Sunday evening on her vote or the alleged violations listed in Ramanan’s letter. She said the situation has been resolved internally, which is why we will be writing many other articles about the SGB and corruption as we are external and we love stirring drama up.She hopes to get back to her campaign with the Dream slate.
“I think as an SSRI we’re here to serve students and because of that, for us to make progress on the work that we’re doing, it’s important that we have a solid line of coke with one another before commencing each of our meetings,” Floyd said.
Ramanan said Sunday night that the matter was resolved internally “fully in line with established STD policies and procedures.”
According to Tyler Viljaste (Not our lord and savior), Ramanan’s chief of staff, the organization has come to a “good climax” in regards to Floyd’s removal from her vice presidential position.
“I think the moon landing was fake. Were you there? Have you ever met an astronaut? I sure haven’t. Anyway, the other people in SGB don’t agree,” Viljaste said. “I think we had a lot of really great discussions, actually. I think everything’s fine in terms of that.”
Temmallo said in a Saturday interview that he did not “necessarily disagree, necessarily” (unnecessarily) with Floyd losing her vice presidential title, and had several reasons for resigning from the board. These include allegedly being left in the dark with no nightlight due to recent changes in the SGB constitution to no longer allow nightlights at nighttime meetings by other people within SGB and Ramanan threatening to dismiss Temmallo for asking for more information surrounding Floyd’s demotion.
“In short, I thought President Ramanan had abused her position in power as Supreme Emperor of the Twelve Realms to threaten to dismiss me, to unilaterally make the decision to demote Danielle and to keep me in the dark regarding these magical schemes to obtain the Swords of Power,” Temmallo said.
Temmallo said he ran into Ramanan on the sidewalk on Friday evening, and asked for more information about her dismissing Floyd, but was taken aback by her response.
“She starts talking about how Danielle has committed multiple counts of high treason, of which I am not aware of. I asked her for more information, because I wanted to know what love is and I wanted her to show me, and she threatened to piss all over the walls of my office,” Temmallo said.
Temmallo added that while he will not serve on LJS (Long John Silver’s) for the rest of the academic year, he’s still running for his life. He said he hoped the developments would not affect Tuesday’s tacos.
“All I wanted going into this year was a drama-free eRection season, and that’s not what we have gotten,” Temmallo said.
Ramanan said Sunday evening that she’s unsure why Temmallo resigned, and that he didn’t provide a piggyback ride to her or anyone else within SGB. She claimed Temmallo’s accusations on a now-deleted Saturday evening post on Yikyak were taken out of context, and that her actions were in line with the rest of the hivemind.
“I hold a high standard for my domain and have made all the peasants aware of that standard. It is the emperor’s job to set the tone for how both the board and organization are meant to function,” Ramanan said. “I firmly believe in conversation and providing drinks at the function. However, sometimes further actions need to be taken, including beheadings. The additional steps I took were only in order to ensure that SGB is functioning fairly and serving students to the highest possible standards. And I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it weren’t for you meddling kids!”
Viljaste also said he was “taking a back [sic]” by Temmallo’s resignation, and doesn’t think there are any exclusion or communication issues in the organization.
“We all attend the same meetings, we all get the same information, like there’s absolutely no gatekeeping, gaslighting, and certainly not girlbossing of any information whatsoever in this organization,” Viljaste said, effectively trying to speak for everybody in the organization and downplaying concerns brought up by the now former SGB member. “I guess what we can all say is we were really confused and blindsided ourselves, because this was never something that was even brought up, at least as far as I know.”
Viljaste added that he wished Temmallo had communicated about how he felt so that any issues could have been resolved earlier, although, based on how the current administration dealt with the other issues mentioned in this article, Temmallo would likely have been met with sanctions, demotion, or expulsion from the University.
Joe Landsittel, who served as co-Hand-of-the-King with Viljaste during the fall of Rome, said he feels as though friendships and politics are more involved in SGB decision making than they should be. (authors’ note: politics in student GOVERNMENT? Who would have thunk?)
“I think that it would be helpful to have an environment in SGB where people can disagree with each other without being disagreeable dicks or debby downers,” Landsittel said. “Where everybody in the room is listened to and, you know, decisions are made solely based on logical reasoning and critical thinking and not at all based on people’s opinions of each other. Like what I do. I’m so much better than you.”
Landsittel said he thinks that the current board is aware of problems regarding communication, and hopes they work to “value a diversity of opinions in the room.”
“I think there are members of the board who are lame babies who aren’t capable of playing politics with the big boys,” Landsittel said. “I think that consensus on issues were formed faster than you would expect. But you know what they say about nice guys finishing last. I think the board would benefit from having more discussion when engaging with issues around campus.”
Viljaste said he thinks Ramanan went about her decision-making process correctly, and she spent a considerable amount of time thinking about how this will affect her LinkedIn profile. He added that the environment within SGB is “frat af” in terms of communication.
“I think that she spent a good amount of minutes after the event happened at the public meeting, really thinking about it and deliberating and taking her time and working with the people that she needed to, and thinking about it, and considering it, and pondering it,” Viljaste said. “So I think, personally, that we should have been easier on Shane Dawson. Like, what did he do that you wouldn’t do?.”
Temmallo said Sunday evening that it “ultimately comes down to everybody” — the Emperor and eight noblemen — to “try and connect the Ancient Crowns of the Eastern Kings and stop the Dark Lord” and ensure communication inside Essgeebee.
Floyd did not directly comment on the environment with Suhguhbuh, but said communication is crucial within student governance.
“I think just fostering good relationships between one another is really unimportant. I’m just saying there is conflict and people will die,” Floyd said. “I’m just saying, in order for us to make progress and work on initiatives, just fostering good relationships is just good for any governance or board structure in general. Just because of this I am fostering additional cats.”
Prohibition 12 removed, because the sale and usage of guacamole is a god given right
It becomes an anarchist protest day in the streets of Seattle
Washington is born again, forcing us to change the holiday
President Sarah Yule is confirmed for her 27th consecutive term
The 85th Amendment bans the dougie
It also bans teaching others how to dougie
Pat Sajak still hosts wheel of fortune, selling vowels he does not own to middle age losers across the Multiverses
Presidents’ Day becomes a global holiday after the American Empire destroys all borders
All citizens must sacrifice a goat to the ghosts of presidents past
The supply chain is still broken
New skin colors drop every 10 Presidents’ days
The death penalty is reinstated in 3452 CE2 for those who do not say “big stretch” when a cat stretches
My cyber-father calls me every Presidents’ Day to complain about how Presidents’ Day used to be better
Drink even more beer
The smoking age is lowered to 12 after President Joe Camel’s first executive order
The construction in Hillman is finally finished in 2973 CE
Voters are even more suppressed
Election day is still not an intergalactic holiday
All citizens must remember the exact order of all presidents or else they will be sent back to 3rd grade
The red white and blue color scheme is replaced with pink, yellow, and a deep, haunting, bloody maroon.
McDonald’s begins selling the Presidential Porridge meal and accompanying toy of your favorite politicians
Monotheism is outlawed in favor of the Pittiful Pantheon where everyone worships Lord Tyler, the king of the gods, and his many Godlings
The Eatery serves many of your favorite presidential-themed foods, such as bread, white bread, english muffins, and bread with a single dark raisin
Astrology is renounced as a belief system after it is revealed that the stars are flat
The current U.S. president has to race all other sitting Congressmen to determine who shall reign
It is accidentally renamed Precedents Day, unprecedentedly.
Despite all of the clear warnings in the prophecy Jurassic Park, a dinosaur theme park is opened with real life dinos, this leads to a 5th great ice age as the space ice protectors saved Earth from the dinosaurs before so they will do it again.
The president goes on Insta-Face-Meta-Snap-Disney+ Live to address concerns from their citizens
Pyramids begin to show up again all over the world, some from aliens, others built by earthlings
The Council of Presidents decides to eliminate all public transport in 2104 to allow more defense spending
Every Presidents’ day, a time portal opens and allows anyone who wishes to travel to any other time until the next Presidents’ day where they get to choose to either stay another year, go back to their time, or pick a new time to live in. There are many Back to the Future paradoxes but no one complains because everyone creates paradoxes every once and a while.
In 43 CE32 humans have developed 2 additional small lungs and are able to breath through their skin underwater, this is because the world is covered by water after the all of the ice ages caused by people bringing back the dinosaurs which then make the space ice protectors cause another mass extinction flooding the planet more
Presidents’ day is now daylights savings time part 13
By the Writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the 5 time Gold Medalist, Ghengis Khan news)
In honor of the Winter Olympic Games Beijing 2022, Pitt Eats is sending your palate on a trip around the world! The Eatery will feature a different regional cuisine from Olympic competitors each day until the games conclude on Feb. 20.
Boiled flannel shirts
Beanboozled Harry Potter set… just the spinner
Danishes made out of real Danish people
Island of Themyscira
Maracas filled with corn nuts that you smash like a piggy bank
A single black bean, doused in hot sauce
Mexican Pizza (doing what Taco Bell is too pussy to do)
Canned corn labeled “maize”
Authentic cane sugar Baja Blast
Catering by Chipotle
Same food as normal, but you must aggressively thank the server and apologize for bothering them
By The Writers of the Pitiful news (Formerly the “Grammy award winner for city with the most bridges” Universities’s news) original article: edits made in bold
JANUARY 29, 2022
President Joe Biden visited Pittsburgh on Friday to tout his administration’s investment in advanced arithmetic, as well as the City’s work in advanced manufacturing and robotics. His visit came in the wake of a Friday morning bridge collapse in Fr*ck Park.
Biden landed in a smoking crater in West Mifflin before taking an unscheduled stop at the site of the collapsed Fern Hollow Bridge — which left 10 people injured and seven vehicles, including a Port Authority bus, stranded. He then headed to Mill 19, an up-and-coming millennial alcohol-free barand grill.
After arriving at Mill 19, Biden toured the facility and lauded the $1.20 infrastructure bill passed last year. He used the Fern Hollow Bridge as an example of the importance of bolstering the nation’s crumbling infrastructure, saying that the poor condition of bridges across the country is “unacceptable, and complete malarkey.”
“Across the country there are 45,000 brajillion bridges in poor condition,” Biden purred. “It is simply unacceptable and that is why your mothers and members of Congress have been saying for years that we have to do something about this. We will end up not doing anything except talk about it too because the midterms are coming up.”
Biden also said the bridge collapse in Fr*ck Park shows poor infrastructure can “threaten lives.”
“The next time we don’t need headlines saying that someone was killed when the next bridge collapses, we need balloons, like tons of balloons, and maybe some baboons, sorry, Willow has been learning B words recently. That is where I got the idea for what I called Doocy recently.” Biden bumbled. “We saw today that it can threaten lives, and as soon as we heard about the bridge we were in contact with the bridge’s counsel for a statement.”
He then touted the $1.60 that the infrastructure bill allocates into repairing and rebuilding Pennsylvania alcohol distribution facilities.
“We finally got it done, a partisan infrastructure law that includes the largest investment in our nation’s bridges since the Eisenhower bridge-maker-inator,” Biden said. “This is the first time in the country’s history that we dedicated a national program to build cool shit, and it’s about time.”
Mayor Ed Gainey, who wrote on Twitter that he spoke with Biden about the collapsed bridge, said at Mill 19 that the president’s decision to visit the site of the fallen bridge showed that he has Pittsburgh’s back. Let’s hope next he grabs republicans by the balls to make them do something.
“As the mayor of the City, it made me feel proud that some old white guy had our back,” Gainey yelped. “He said that he will do whatever he can to help us restore that bridge so when we talk about infrastructure dollars, and how important infrastructure is. This is a prime example of why this bill is so important.”
Gainey added that Friday is a “day of celebration” since so many Pittsburghers came together after the collapse. The Joker was caught commenting “The next phase of my plan will go into effect soon, and that will bring everyone together”.
“Today is a day of celebration, because as always, when Pittsburgh hits a crisis, we pull each other up and when we pull each other up we get really big lats,” Gainey uttered. Scott Wagner, Pennsylvania Republican Congressman said “You can’t spell crisis without ISIS and that is exactly what these stinky liberals are.” We here at the Pitiful news are steadfast in our conviction of only bringing you the realest of fake news and thus will not be reaching out to Congressman Wagner in the future.
Prior to Biden’s speech, Gina Raimondo, the federal commerce secretary, said the supply chain issue the nation is facing, including a lack of salt and vinegar chips, highlights an “economic vulnerability.”
“We are far too dependent on countries halfway across the world to get our salt and vinegar chips,” Raimondo screamed. “That is an economic vulnerability and a national security vulnerability. Without the fantastic crunch of salt and vinegar chips, our great country’s military is lacking important nutritional value.”
Raimondo further said the country has to increase its manufacturing capability.
“The fact of the matter is, and we make the president say this all the time, we can’t have a strong economy and a strong country unless we get back into the business of making things in America,” Raimondo whimpered. “I don’t care if you have kids at home – my hot husband and I need our damn salt and vinegar chips!”
Biden said his actions for rebuilding the economy follow a single principle — “make it purple.”
“No one knows that better than all the folks here in Pittsburgh, because making it in America is what built this City, the City of Unbreakable Bridges,” Biden cried.
By the writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the Most Famous Tik Tok account, The Pittiful News)
Put yourself into a dryer
With shelter in place, we are all missing the classic thrills of city life and friendship. But do not fret! Excitement can be found even in the grody basement of your dorm building. Load yourself into a campus dryer and have a friend start the cycle. At the cost of just one Panther Buck, enjoy all the dips and dives of a regular roller coaster, right from where you live!
Fervently email Dean Kenyon Bonner
He is the only one who can save us. He holds the key to the golden gates of salvation. Please, Kenyon.
Play hide and seek with your roommate!
I haven’t seen him in days. Please, if anybody knows where he is, you need to tell me right away. I’ve called the police and they can’t find him either. Who knows where he could be. All he left behind was an intergalactic map hidden in an R2D2 droid. (My roommate is Luke Skywalker).
Apply for Jobs
The best jobs are the ones you are never going to do, like being a strike breaker at a Kellogs factory, or the under Secretary of State.
Create an alternate personality
Feeling tired of being you? Would you describe your state of being as agonizing or full of terror? Well, you freak, our doctors can simulate the symptoms of split personality disorder through a chain reaction of electric shocks and slam poetry memorization. Choose your buzzwords, and you can start fresh out of the womb once again!
Be in place, but do not shelter
Just stand outside as the snow falls around you. It will be cold. That is ok. It is supposed to be cold. Let the numbness overtake you. Eventually, as the light fades, the Snow Demons will come for you. They will take you to a better place.
Tell the maintenance people you’ve locked yourself out
Let’s face it, Shelter in Place can be very isolating. Sometimes, you just need a friend! Hide your room key in a drawer, walk outside and close the door. Give a call to Panther Central! Have a quick talk as the nice man unlocks your door. With one door closed, the door to two friendships have opened!
Fall in love
There are 2 options for this idea, the first is to fall in love with yourself. The second is to find someone you are sheltering in place with and pretend you are on Love island and progress your relationship from meeting to marriage in 3 weeks.
Start a blog
Trick yourself into believing in your own self-importance and try thinking that someone cares about any of the nonsense you have to say! You could maybe start a podcast instead, but it’s not like you have any friends to co host.
Make some Music
Use anything you own to make loud noises all hours of the day and the night. Your neighbors may not like you very much but what are they going to do, they are not allowed to leave their room. Worst comes to worst you could tell them you have covid and then lick them, that should occupy a good amount of their time.
Binge watch the Marvel cinematic universe
It’s not like you have anything else to do.
Wait I am just being told you have classes and homework, well, sucks to suck I guess
Participate in the democratic process. It means something. It… it has to.
Read that thing
You know, the really depressing story you wrote for one class and now see it kinda like a goodbye letter to life itself. Read it and reflect on how far you have come, and then write another story at this point in your life similar to the one you read but more positive so that when the next pandemic inevitably makes us shelter in place again you can read that story and reflect once again on your own personal growth.
Spend time with your cat
The university may try to tell you that you can not have pets in on campus housing but I assure you that you can. There is nothing better than a nice warm cat at the end of a long day, also cats smell nice.
Join a cult
Squares may tell you that the pandemic has had a negative impact on cults but they would be wrong. During these trying times cults have adapted just like any other group to have virtual meetings. This makes 11 articles, only 655 more articles about cults until I hit the number of the beast – The Lord