By the Ghost Writers of the Interviewers of the Writers of the Pitiful News (formerly the Ghost Writers of the Interviewers of the Writers of the Pittiful News)
- Pilates
- Pizzatarius
- Ravenclaw
- Republican
- Mamma’s Cupcakeria
- Episcopalian
- Pisscapalian (pissy fish eater)
- I’m gay?
- I’m in the Glee Club
- Pescitarian – only eat Joe Pesci
- Libertarian
- I’m registered independent, personally
- I’m a registered sex offender, personally
- I am now and have always been a member of the Communist Party of America
- George Washington
- John Oliver
- The princess of the princess and the frog
- Socially liberal fiscally conservative
- Webkinz
- Unpaid intern
- Mansplainer
- I’m nor/mal actually
- Flat-earther
- Furry
- ~awooooo
- pittiful nyas
- JoJo Siwa
- Labor organizer
- Youtuber
- John F. Kennedy, 35th president of the United States of America
- ENFP
- I register as a BDSM
- Weeaboo
- Quitter on a shitter
- Sorority sister
- Fraternity frother
- X
- Matthew Morrison
- Alexander Hamilton
- Lin Manuel Miranda
- Kinnie
- bro/broself
- pittifulnews@gmail.com
- Lesbian
- I thought you were American???
- Donald Trump’s toupee
- What’s a toopee?
- Nothin’, what’s it to you?
- A tumblr account
- Chocolate fondue
- Fondled fondue
- Kamala Harris
- What is this Homestuck shit?
- Cancer