We Asked the Writers of the Pittiful News What Their Zodiac Signs Are

By the Ghost Writers of the Interviewers of the Writers of the Pitiful News (formerly the Ghost Writers of the Interviewers of the Writers of the Pittiful News)

• Pilates
• Pizzatarius
• Ravenclaw
• Republican
• Mamma’s Cupcakeria
• Episcopalian
• Pisscapalian (pissy fish eater) 
• I’m gay? 
• I’m in the Glee Club 
• Pescitarian – only eat Joe Pesci
• Libertarian
  • I’m registered independent, personally 
  • I’m a registered sex offender, personally
• I am now and have always been a member of the Communist Party of America
• George Washington
• John Oliver
• The princess of the princess and the frog
• Socially liberal fiscally conservative
• Webkinz
• Unpaid intern
• Mansplainer
• I’m nor/mal actually 
• Flat-earther
• Furry
  • ~awooooo
  • pittiful nyas
• JoJo Siwa
• Labor organizer
• Youtuber
• John F. Kennedy, 35th president of the United States of America
• ENFP
• I register as a BDSM
• Weeaboo
• Quitter on a shitter
• Sorority sister
• Fraternity frother
• X
• Matthew Morrison
• Alexander Hamilton
• Lin Manuel Miranda 
• Kinnie
• bro/broself
• pittifulnews@gmail.com
• Lesbian
  • I thought you were American???
• Donald Trump’s toupee
  • What’s a toopee?
  • Nothin’, what’s it to you?
• A tumblr account
• Chocolate fondue
• Fondled fondue
• Kamala Harris
• What is this Homestuck shit?
• Cancer

Lifestyle 011: Party Ideas

By Megan Klein

 It’s almost the end of the semester, and instead of going out like you said you would last weekend, or the weekend before, or the weekend before that when you continuously drank yourself into a stupor, before you fashioned a kiddie pool for yourself, and proceeded to sit in it all night, claiming it was a “pool party,” then threw all of your ramen in for “wet noodles” while watching Mary Poppins on the laptop you eventually drowned as you flooded your bathroom, much to the dismay of your roommates saying, “Not again, Big Joey,” and “Please change your ring tone to something other than Selena Gomez. It’s embarrassing.” If that’s the case, spice things up a little bit with some alternative party ideas!

1. Peasant Party- Also known as Proletarians vs. Peasants. Everyone dresses up as realistic characters from the French Revolution, and litter the dirty streets of South Oakland. Play the Les Miserables soundtrack on repeat throughout the night, and drink sewer water! For a rad time, the peasants become imprisoned, and in a drunken stupor everyone shouts the lyrics to “Do You Hear the People Sing.” Rats run amuck, and people bathe in trash before starting upheavals and brawls.
2. Stanford Prison Experiment- Relive the famous Stanford Prison Experiment. Police officers arrest prisoners in the middle of the night, and in a fun twist, the guards abuse the prisoners into psychological submission to the point where it is no longer an experiment.
3. Murder Mystery Party- Exactly like Clue, but real! Everyone gets drunk, and has to cover up a murder! Was it James in the bathroom with the cocaine and razor? Or was it Lexi in the living room with the broken alcohol bottle?
4. Zodiac killer party- Based on the life of Ted Cruz, everyone wears those “hip” 70’s style serial killer glasses so no one has to conceal their true nature any longer. You’re all a bunch of serial killers, and in an impulsive moment find your latest victims while playing some sweet tunes. Playlist can include: “Mr. Sandman”, you know, that classic song everyone gets murdered to in movies, and now real life!
5. The Most Dangerous Game- A party for sociopaths! Let loose, literally, let your guests loose, as they run around your woods while you chase them for several days. Happy Hunting!

For more fun party ideas and lifestyle tips and tricks, follow the Pittiful News on Twitter @PittifulNews.