Woman who opens public bathroom door without knocking literally raised by wolves

By Hannah Lynn

In the middle of a bustling California Pizza Kitchen, 19-year-old Kathy Lupin caused a stir when she opened a one-stall public bathroom, without knocking, to find another young woman, 33-year-old Shelly Koch, peeing. Koch shrieked and Devine seemed shocked to find the bathroom occupied even though, as previously stated, she didn’t knock.


Several patrons of the restaurant shook their heads disapprovingly as they shoved another bite of Caesar salad down their gullets. “Well now who doesn’t knock? That’s just plain wrong,” said waiter Olga Croutonn. “I mean was she raised by wolves?”

Upon further investigation, it was discovered that Kathy Lupin was in fact raised by wolves. She initially declined to comment because she doesn’t know English, but then agreed with the help of a Wolvish-English translator.

“I didn’t know you had to knock. If one is disrobing, why not lock wood slab [door]?” Lupin said before looking wistfully at the daytime moon. “I apologize but that woman will not survive in these times.”


Despite speaking English, Shelly Koch declined to comment.

Woman who doesn’t lock public bathroom door killed by her own naïveté

By Hannah Lynn

On Monday, tragedy struck as 19-year-old Shelly Koch was killed in an apparent wolf attack in a public bathroom at an Olive Garden restaurant. Investigations are underway by local police and animal to figure out the cause of death as well as how a wild wolf entered unnoticed into an Olive Garden.


Police Officer Willy Wallace believes that Koch left the bathroom door unlocked and is therefore partially responsible. “Look, I’m not saying it’s her fault a wolf attacked her in an Olive Garden, but those locks are there for a reason,” he said.


Clarissa Clearwater, a patron who was in line for the bathroom, witnessed to the incident in its entirety. “It was crazy, the wolf just came out of nowhere and burst into the bathroom!” she said. “And frankly I find it hard to believe that this wolf didn’t see me waiting in line. I still haven’t peed!”


When asked whether she feels sympathy for Koch, Clearwater indicates a similar belief to Wallace. “I knocked because I was not raised in the woods, but what kind of psycho doesn’t lock a public bathroom door?” she said.

The wolf was sedated by animal control but unfortunately it was too late for Koch. Both carcasses have been removed and the bathroom will re-open as soon as possible. Olive Garden requests that female use the restroom across the street at California Pizza Kitchen. Olive Garden also requests that female patrons stop trying to use the intact men’s bathroom because it’s causing too much commotion among customers.