Types of Hands


By the writers of the Pittiful News

  1. Jazz hands
  2. Party hands
  3. Helping hands
  4. Sticky hands, with sticky fingers
  5. Small hands
  6. Grabby hands
  7. A singular piece of what a random website calls Plastic Robot Claw Hand Grabber Grabbing Stick Kid Boy Toy Move and Grab Things
  8. Cold hands
  9. Warm hands
  10. Slappy hands
  11. Raccoon hands!
  12. Hands, touching hands (reaching out)
  13. Farm hands
  14. Funny hands, with funny bones
  15. Near hands
  16. Far hands
  17. Wherever you are hands
  18. Stay at home hands (please)
  19. Hand, with five little piggies on it
  20. Handy Manny
  21. Goose strangler – sometimes they give you no choice

Pitt Football Makes Strides

By John Garry
In light of yet another disappointing performance, many among the Pitt student body are in despair. After suffering through a season in which performances cycled from meaningless (62-0 thrashing of Sister Mary’s School for the Blind the University of Delaware) to dismal (NCAA record 5 turnovers in the first half amidst a 46-0 ass-whooping from Georgia Tech) to heartbreaking (double-overtime loss to Duke with a missed field goal), many Panther supporters lost faith in humanity once again while watching Pitt give up 293 yards and 29 points in the fourth quarter of the Armed Forces Bowl against the University of Houston.

As bleak as things may seem around Oakland, there is yet hope.  Hard-hitting computational analysis proves that the Pitt football team is actually making strides, and quite a few of them.  According to my notepad filled with tally marks, the Panthers made about 67,000 strides during the Armed Forces Bowl.
Alan Bundy, Head Defensive Coordinator for the University of Austin Badgers, was among those in attendance at the game.  “The defense in that last quarter was atrocious.  Miscommunication seemed to be everywhere, and blown coverages and missed assignments cost [the Panthers] the game,” said Bundy.  “But boy,” he added, “I’ll tell you what, those strides were textbook.”
Researchers at the UCLA Beedner School of Sports Science agree.  “We have created a computational model, called our Pittsburgh Optimized Running Network (P.O.R.N.) Database, to analyze just how good those Pitt Panthers are at striding.  We were blown away by the results.  After countless hours reviewing and closely examining our P.O.R.N. Database, we have come to the conclusion that Pitt might just be the best striding team in the country.  Sure, they are not terrific at tackling and they could use a hand in grabbing the loose balls during onside kicks, but they finish second to none in striding.”

While South O might not erupt with excitement or optimism at the thought of the fourth new head coach in four years, they can at the very least take heart that their boys on the field are making strides.