Heinz Chapel to Now Only Recognize Marriages Under the Church of Shrek

By Dana GoodImage result for church of shrek

At a controversial press conference on Tuesday, Heinz Chapel Head of Affairs Tracy Sylvester announced the famous landmark’s decision to only allow weddings under the church, “First Assembly of His Holiness Shrek”.

“We have let all those other stupid and made-up religions trample over us for too long,” said Sylvester of the historically non-denominational chapel, “It’s time we show our undying devotion to our lord and savior Shrek, once and for all.” An official list of changes that will be made to the chapel was released following the press conference.

Some of the alterations include: painting the famous red front doors a “swamp green”, carving “Shrek yo-self before u wreck yo-self, motherfuckers!!” above the chancel, and requiring all sheet music to be replaced with Smash Mouth’s 1999 hit song “All Star”. When asked for further questioning on these new changes, Sylvester removed her blazer, revealing a t-shirt that read, “Farquaad can eat my green ogre ass” and proceeded to shout, “I live in a swamp! I put up signs! I’m a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do to get a little privacy?” Construction will begin in early October and the Chapel will re-open in early November.

Mark Zuckerberg is Coming to Your Wedding!

By Riley Weber

You have one new Facebook notification. Hey! Hey you, Facebook user! Do you know what Mark Zuckerberg is up to? Do you care? Perhaps even give a rat’s ass? If not, too bad! This is Facebook telling you His exact activities and whereabouts for the past 96 hours, enjoy! Man, this Mark Zuckerberg fellow is wonderful, isn’t He? You all love Him. You know what would be amazing? If He came to your wedding. Oh, wait. He is! Thanks to the event you planned through Facebook, Mark has been alerted of your existence and would like to grace you with His presence! Thought that event was private? Nope! Mark knows. Mark knows everything. Mark is The All-Seeing, All-Knowing, Far-Reaching Deity of One Billion Glorious Eyes. You know what would also be fantastic? If he live streamed the wedding! Luckily for you, His Benevolent Presence has decided justly so! Mark Zuckerberg will be live streaming your entire wedding day to all 1.6 Billion Facebook users worldwide. Everyone will be watching! Everyone WILL be watching. The live stream will be beamed into your brain by any means necessary so that the entire world will know His Sacred Name and the grace and mercy with which He treats His Subservient Masses. Imagine your beautiful honeymoon night; a luxurious hotel suite, a bottle of the finest wine, Mark Zuckerberg and His Magnificent Camera streaming your every thrust. It’s what you’ve always wanted. You’ve dreamed of that day since you were a young boy. Facebook wasn’t around when you were young? Not true. Facebook has always been present. Facebook is The Immaculate Throne upon which Our Lauded Regent Mark Zuckerberg rests His Exalted Buttocks. Pretty neat, huh? Anyway, see you again tomorrow!