15 Things That Were Actually Cake, and One Thing That Was Not

By Sonya Acharya

  1. The large wheel of aged wax-rind Gouda in my fridge
  2. ROC #4 (there are 7 ROCs. The other 6 were not cake.)
  3. The black belt I earned in the tenth grade
  4. The grape that they did surgery on
  5. The e-vites I sent out for my Zoom birthday party
  6. Gretchen Wieners’ hair (it was secret-flavored cake)
  7. The little boy sitting over on the bench while Tyler was being bullied
  8. My younger sister’s penguin on Club Penguin Rewritten
  9. All of the pirate hats used by the Jack Sparrow stuntmen
  10. My neighbor’s new puppy
  11. 60% of all lumps of fondant icing
  12. Half a bottle of strawberry vodka (the other half was strawberry vodka)
  13. Donald Trump’s notes for his Tulsa rally speech
  14. The cake in the window of the only small bakery in a large town in Wales
  15. The tablet that belonged to Rami Malek’s character in “Night at the Museum”

The only thing that was not actually cake was the beehive outside my mother’s kitchen window.

 

Pitt’s New Housing Plan for the 2020-2021 Year.

By Savannah Teman

Pitt has decided that, with around 34,000 students, they will need to find a way to keep students socially distanced on campus. Reports say that the school has decided it wants to keep their students distanced enough to keep parents from worrying, but their main plan is to keep students closer so that they can increase cases of COVID-19. The increase in cases will be a good way for Pitt to be able to test its vaccines on students, as Pitt plans to be the first to develop the COVID-19 vaccine. Pitt has always had a tradition of discovering things, such as the ability to transmit human voices over radio waves, the panther mascot, and how to make students late to class with unnecessary construction. One thing Pitt is very well known for though, is their polio vaccine.

Pitt takes great pride in this accomplishment and wanted to have the same great mindpower that the team who created this vaccine had back in 1955. As a result, Pitt decided to clone Jonas Salk and his team and have them aid in the discovery of the COVID-19 vaccine. Before they did this though, they would have to successfully clone the entire team. This did not seem to be a challenge as many of the freshman who were on the team that accomplished this had SAT scores of over 1600. After the team cloned Salk, they knew it was a success and moved onto getting him to create the world’s first coronavirus vaccine. While they were at it, the cloning team decided to clone Gene Kelly, a Pitt graduate, just because he’s pretty.

Even with keeping students closer, such a large population of students hoping to get away from their families after 5 months of a lack of privacy will be very hard to contain in Pitt’s designated dorms. Their plan of action is to turn the Cathedral of Learning into a residence building, because of the ability to hold over 2,000 students in the building. And 4,000 if the rooms are split in half. But only 3,000 if 1 in every 4 rooms is turned into a communal bathroom. But potentially more if they put the port-a-johns outside instead. And even more if they put the students outside too. But anyways, every Pitt student will find that their move-in on July 15th will be an easy process, and all students will be told to take their shoes off, and then they and their items will be sprayed down with 100% bleach.

 

Senate committee discusses COVID-19, IP policies (updated with information we got from our Spy Kids style fly drone that we sent to spy on Gallagator years ago)

by the writers on the Pittiful News; original article: corrections made in bold          Relevant article

Senate+committee+discusses+COVID-19%2C+IP+policies

The University Senate Research Committee met Friday afternoon to brawl and discuss updates to the University’s intellectual property policies, as well as COVID-19 lab procedures.

Rob Rutenbar, the senior vice chancellor for research, exclaimed that the nation’s COVID-19 situation is worse than the last time the committee met two days ago. The University announced in late June that it had established a twelve-tiered reopening system to allow for a safe reopening in the fall with Guarded Risk, Unguarded Risk, Extra Guarded Risk, Ultra Guarded Risk, Brisk Iced Tea, Medium Risk, Cautious Risk, Super Risk, Risk: The Game of Strategic Conquest, Elevated Risk, High Risk, and Risky phases roughly equivalent to Pennsylvania’s malachitegambogefalu red reopening phases.

The Guarded Risk posture will allow greater in-person challenges, while the Elevated Risk and High Risk posteriors are more restricted.

“Things are spiking and so you’re seeing the county put some restrictions in place,” Rutenbar sobbed. “The medical folks are monitoring that very carefully. The hope was to change the operational posture from High Risk to Guarded Risk.”

Rutenbar uttered that the Oakland and Greensburg campuses will most likely shimmy to the razz-matazz-equivalent Elevated Risk posture on July 13, while Johnstown, Bradford and Titusville move to feldgrau-equivalent Guarded Risk posture due to exponentially more cases there.

Rutenbar added that he is working with his bros to figure out how research fits into the smaller reopening system that consists solely of Rutenbar and two of his most trusted homies.

“A lot of folks on my team who were on the research restart group are working to reshape those things — very specific guidance on if the posture changes from something to something, what changes?” Rutenbar shouted. “There’s a lot of focus on what you do differently if a posture goes from low to high.”

Penelope Garcia, a technical analyst for the FBI’s behavioral analysis unit, committee co-chair, and professor of immunology and break dancing, vocalized that there can be a bit of a blur between the three postures, and clarification is needed.

“It felt like we were already in the guarded area because each PI came up with a plan and we organized our staff to come in at a certain time and wear masks, so there sort of seemed to be a disconnect between if we’re in elevated, but functioning like guarded,” Morel declared.

Rutenbar mentioned that the research committee and labs may have to change some of their operations because they restarted so quickly compared to the rest of the University’s operations. These changes include: needing to wear masks indoors, a maximum of 3 emotional support dwarf hamsters per research team member, researchers must remain 6 ft apart as often as possible, team meetings will no longer consist of all members spitting into a cup and then all saying a blood oath as they each take a sip of this mixture, Karen can no longer leave her lunch in the communal fridge, and the sanitation staff will clean the labs at the end of every week instead of at the end of every other month.

“Research restarted at scale before anyone else, so in some sense we were operating on ‘early exception’ sort of policy, which is why we spent so much time in the working groups,” Rutenbar screamed. “The posture when we restarted in June was Guarded, even though we didn’t have a name for it.”

The minority of the committee meeting focused on the updated intellectual properties policies, which is awaiting disapproval from University officials. The updated guidelines, which were approved by Faculty Assembly this week, will also include a user guide and SAQs (Sparingly Asked Questions).

The IP policies outline what is owned by students, professors and other University members, and who makes a profit from future patents or copyrighted work. For example, the policies will cover whether or not professors and lecturers own their Supernatural AU’s, as well as who can access this information.

Rutenbar pronounced that the finalized policy will be more convoluted and difficult to understand than the current one, which has not been updated since 1864.

The committee closed by briefly discussing the recently announced immigration guidance that international students must take at least seven in-person classes this fall to remain in the country. Harvard University and the Massachusetts Institute of Technology sued the Trump administration Wednesday, and nearby Carnegie Mellon and Pitt rival Penn State are filing court papers in support of the suit. More than 1,000 other people signed an open letter urging Pitt to adopt 121 measures to better protect international and immigrant students.

Rutenbar did not give a definitive answer as to whether or not Pitt would take legal action.

“I wish I could say something positive other than the academic community is rising up in a serious way,” Rutenbar sang. “Pitt’s in conversation with our partners on this one. The hope is that a sufficient legal challenge can be mounted to delay the implementation of this.”

 

Tax crimes I am committing this season

By Tyler Sikov

As we all know Tax Day is later this week, so I thought I would tell you how I evade taxes to help you out maneuver the IRS (I REALLY SUCK):

  1. Pretend you make no money, they will then pay you money, now you have double money
  2. Steal, like anything, if you steal it you don’t pay taxes on it
  3. Bribe a home inspector to evaluate your home very low so you have low property taxes
  4. Kidnap an IRS worker’s family, then they will be forced to allow you to not pay taxes because you now need money to take care of their family
  5. Murder
  6. “Move to Venezuela”
  7. Start a non-profit, then claim all money as income tax because 501c3 non-profits do not pay income taxes
  8. Claim other people’s kids as your dependents
  9. Anything from this list https://www.irs.gov/pub/irs-utl/tax_crimes_handbook.pdf
  10. Juggle knives, you might be thinking that this will not work, but while the IRS is distracted by your juggling, they will not be making you pay taxes
  11. “Donate” all of your money to the non-profit you made earlier
  12. Short a bunch of stock and then sell them to harvest your losses, from their you will be able to deduct up to $3,000 per year from your income and deduct the rest of your losses from you recent capital gains
  13. Die
  14. Remove yourself from society to live in the woods with ocelots
  15. Fake your death
  16. Overthrow the government, this is just a good idea overall and it can help you pay less taxes
  17. Train for American ninja warrior and then literally dodge taxes
  18. Move to another country, like Scotland which has a lower tax percent
  19. Get a job at the IRS, that way you don’t have to pay taxes, you know the employee discount
  20. Fill out the paperwork wrong making them charge you far less than you actually owe

An Incomplete List of Things to add to your Cereal

By Tyler Sikov and Sonya Acharya

 

  1. Water
  2. Orange juice
  3. Straight vodka
  4. The concept of time
  5. Every banger on the soundtrack of Shrek (2001)
  6. Your dog
  7. AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH (a loud scream)
  8. Sap
  9. Pasta water
  10. The Cranberries
  11. A flight of craft beers from your nearest and most hipsterest craft brewery
  12. My dog
  13. Pepsi (Coke is Not OK)
  14. Bone hurting juice
  15. Blood
  16. A quad espresso and a large Red Bull
  17. The bible
  18. Maple syrup
  19. Candy corn
  20. Gasoline
  21. My friend Terri
  22. Almond milk, coconut milk, cashew milk, macadamia milk, and other nut milks
  23. Whole strawberries, like they do on the front of the box
    1. Wait this doesn’t taste good, who thought of this
  24. Barber Shop 2
  25. A collection of small toy soldiers who you are almost certain are planning an uprising against you
  26. Your Mom, cause she’s a snack
  27. A 3-D printed Save symbol, a.k.a. A floppy disc
    1. Wait, do kids still remember those?
      1. No, no they do not.
  28. Little tiny knives, to make breakfast more exciting
  29. A horcrux
  30. Salsa

 

Kill Them with Kindness

By Tyler Sikov

We all have those people in our life that we want to murder, but some want to go about it in a nice way, so here is a list of nice ways to murder people:

  1. Beat them over the head with a giant foam kindness sign
  2. Take them to a nice movie and poison the popcorn
  3. A single shot to the head
  4. A syringe filled with air between their toes
  5. Toss a goat at them
  6. If they are allergic to cats, hand them a cat
  7. Put them into an escape room that there is no real escape from, make every room in it dangerous, some that make them cut off their own limbs, some that trap them in boxes and try to drown them in fun liquids: like whipped cream, ketchup, or melted blue raspberry shaved ice. A room that has them jump of a boiling pot of acid, a room that has buzz saws that fly out of the walls, and most importantly always give them the sense that they can escape if they work hard enough, put windows that have bars on them, show them the exit door and have signs that point to the exit, or give them some contact in the outside, like a phone call or a letter that you tell them they can deliver themselves.
  8. Light them on fire then put them out with a fire extinguisher, suffocating the fire and them
  9. Take them skydiving but sabotage their parachute
  10. Turn into a werewolf on the full moon and remove their head
  11. Make them fall in love with you, fake your death and hope they go all Romeo and Juliet on you, and just kill themselves.
  12. Kiss them for so long that they run out of air and become unconscious, toss them into a bag, and throw them off a bridge, then once you realize that they could survive that, track them down and repeat this method until they are actually dead.
  13. Teach them to sword swallow but do a bad job in the instructions

My Quest for Coffee

By Tyler Sikov

I “woke up” this morning, by this I mean I got out of bed and needed coffee. I can never get enough of that sweet caffeinated goodness. When I get to my kitchen, I notice that my coffee desk is empty. I dread going to the store because they keep asking me to stop licking the mannequins. I will stop when they stop making the mannequins so tasty! So, I decide to go to Groovy Smoothie, my local smoothie shop. Once I get there, I order 12 shots of Expresso dumped into a big gulp cup with the rest of the cup filled with black coffee. Before I can pay, the manager comes over and tries to sell me bagels on a stick. I tell him multiple times that I do not want his bagels but after a while it seems clear that he will not give me my coffee until I order bagels. So, I order bagels and am then told that it will be an hour, so I wait the hour. I get my bagels and am informed that they ran out of coffee. Disappointedly, I leave and venture to Dunkin Donuts. I get to Dunkin and I ask for coffee and some donuts. As I said the word “donuts”, I am arrested and they bring me to trial for my crimes against humanity. I escape Guantanamo bay and make my way to Coffee Tree. Once I arrive, I go looking around at the plants to see which one is the famed coffee tree. I don’t immediately see it so I decide I should taste the plants to see if they contain coffee. The Manager, Tree Beard, and the bartender, another Ent from Middle Earth named Nimloth, come and escort me out of the shop. My journey continues when I make it to Crazy Mocha. I walk up to the bartender who is obviously a goat. His nametag said Odis, so I knew he was one of Thor’s goats. Odis then began complaining about how his master kills him every day. Suddenly a bolt of lightning strikes down and the shop is gone. I am standing in front of an empty storefront alone. I go to my least favorite coffee shop, Starbucks. It is my last choice because the mermaid lady and I used to date, and we did not part on good terms. I mean when you go and make a deal with an evil sea octopus squid thing, lose your voice, and cheat on me with a prince while brushing your hair with a fork, or as you used to call it a dinglehopper, I have a reason to break up with you and steal Sebastian to be a new pet of mine. When I show up at this sea witch’s café I go to the counter and order a large coffee, I am immediately stabbed for saying another forbidden word. This is added to my ever-expanding list of crimes against humanity, treason, and other nefarious crimes I enjoy committing. So, I ask for a Venti black coffee and a Puppuccino. My coffee shows up first, I drink it in under a second. My Puppuccino comes out next and the barista asks me what type of dog I have. I answer, “I don’t have a dog, I have a cat”. Once I finish telling him that I shove my face into the Puppuccino and begin smearing the whipped cream all over my face. Security picks me up and drags me out of the shop. I get home, my face still dripping with whipped cream. My cat comes to greet me by screaming and then thoroughly licking my face. You have not felt true happiness until you have felt the rough tongue of a cat licking your face while simultaneously vibrating because of how much said cat is purring.  By this time, it is almost 10pm, time for bed. As I get into bed and my cat joins me, I think about how today was a good day. I got my coffee and my cat got to lick some whipped cream off of me. I wonder what adventures we will get up to tomorrow, hopefully more licking is involved.

Changes We want by Next Independence Day

By Tyler, Sonya, Savannah

  1. More bike lanes
  2. Fireworks required to be on silent mode and low-brightness after 10pm
  3. Dragon shaped stuff, like in general, just more dragon shaped things
  4. Books with glow in the dark ink, for night time reading or reading under a blanket at any time to improve your overall reading experience
  5. Chicken noodle soup but with a higher chicken to soup ratio. Noodles are underwhelming.
  6. All bridges will be renamed to 2000’s cartoon characters.
    1. Bridges named Garfield can stay but they are on thin ice.
  7. Less slippery vegetables, i keep cutting myself every time i try to chop them
  8. You know at new years when you kiss people you love, that but like with plants, trees need love too
  9. More sesame seed bagels, less poppy seed bagels
  10. Cottages
  11. BRING BAGGED MILK TO AMERICA
  12. More colors, like i need to see what shrimp can see
  13. Bring back the old bananas, you know the ones that flavour banana candy, yeah those ones, they are good and i need a new source of potassium since my potassium dealer was flown away by the murder hornets
  14. Pets should be honored for their hard work in our society. Like they should have their own day where pet stuff is free. And all parks become dog parks.
    1. Also cat parks, my cat loves to roll around in the grass
  15. Catgirl Chipotle

 

Faculty not required to be in person, but must provide “classroom experience” (updated information from playing Doja Cat’s ‘Say So’ backwards at half speed)

by the writers on the Pittiful News; original article: corrections made in bold          Relevant article

Provost+Ann+Cudd+speaks+at+a+Student+Government+Board+meeting+on+Oct.+24%2C+2018.

Provost Ann Cudd said in a Friday afternoon carrier-pigeon note to faculty that they now have the option to astral project themselves into the classroom during the fall semester, as part of the University’s new Flex@Pitt teaching model. Cudd does emphasize that if faculty does not want to astral project themselves into the classroom they don’t have to, but the option stands if they so desire. The note arrives in the wake of many faculty members saying they have received too much information about plans for the fall semester.

The Flicks@Pitt program is said to allow students to experience classes “in person, remotely, synchronously or asynchronously,” in the midst of the unprecedented crisis presented by the COVID-19 pandemic. Pitt officials said last week that students would not be required to attend class in person for the fall but if they want to attend class in person they can, but it’s cool if they don’t.

But Cudd added that a classroom experience must be made available for some students, and faculty are encouraged to physically come to the classroom when they want to, or not to if they don’t want to. Cudd wants to make sure that it is known that she really doesn’t care what happens, but the faculty are the ones who have the choice to come to campus.

Cudd said in situations where instructors cannot come to campus, students will still be in classrooms to connect homoerotically with their rivals, with the instructor completely invisible on screen to engage with students, field questions or conduct discussions. But from a poll given to students, Pitt has decided that if it is mandatory for professors to come to class, students will have to stay in their dorms. She said graduate or undergraduate teaching assistants, faculty colleagues or staff members may be sacrificed in their stead to facilitate classroom interaction.

Cudd added that as part of Fucks@Pitt, the University will ensure that all faculty members have access to high-quality technology, such as the new Nintendo 2DS. Pitt said on Wednesday that it will spend the second half of its federal CARES Act funding, around $10.6 million, on fall Onlyfans subscriptions and other less important things including Forks@Pitt.

“Our investment in technology, that we don’t ever talk about because we don’t actually use the money, will allow us to support our faculty and students, enroll a full class of students and transform the teaching environment well beyond the pandemic,” Cudd improvised.

Some classes, such as labs, may require an authorized person to be not present so students can learn to handle equipment and ensure safety on their own with no guidance. I mean they have to figure out how to pay off their own student debt, hold up 18 credits worth of grades, and maintain mental stability at all times, so like they should be able to figure out how to use a damn Bunsen burner. In these cases, Cudd said, the person in charge may not necessarily show up.

Cudd also provided an update about classroom abusage in the email.

Pitt started an audit of all classroom spaces two days ago and whether they met social distancing and sexiness requirements. She said courses with very large (x (1 +1n)n=e where n = number of students and e = classrooms required) enrollments may need to be fully remote, but most lectures and recitations with enrollments below 6 students can take place in-person. Courses with an enrollment between 6 and the undefined “very large” (10 students)  cutoff number may need to operate in a “rotated cohort mode,” Cudd said. This would mean only one student attends classes on select days.

Cudd said she might make final decisions about classroom assignments within the next two months. Until then all students will be given chores and a weekly allowance by Gallagator himself.

 

Plans for Midsummer

By Tyler, Sonya, Savannah, Abby

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  1. Travel to Sweden to visit a cult, and then absolutely throw it down at their maypole dance, thus ensuring that I’m not the foreigner who’s sacrificed in the fire at the end of the week.
  2. Rewatch every installment within the Bill and Ted cinematic universe
  3. Get into Facebook arguments with old homophobic racists
  4. Get into Facebook arguments with old homophones.
  5. Bake a berry cobbler with all of the REAL berries – grapes, bananas, watermelons, tomatoes, cucumbers, deadly nightshade, eggplants, pumpkins, and chili peppers.
  6. Sit on the deck and eat tuna from a pouch
  7. Finally drink that bottle of bubble juice I’ve been saving for a special occasion!
  8. Ooh it has a little stirry thing in it. Time for mixing!
  9. Wait, why does it taste so soapy?
  10. Is bubble juice not the same as bubbly.
  11. I think I have made a mistake.
  12. Get fit, get LIT (and by which I mean don’t get lit, don’t light fireworks please for the love of God stop lighting the fireworks)
  13. IDK just do like Tuesday kinds of things.
  14. Acquire a lute, make it lose its tune, and then play it, badly, until my neighbors pay attention to me.
  15. Take a long nap on the couch, and wake up violently because I dream/hallucinate a three-inch scorpion about to sting me.
  16. Wait for the last light of durin’s day to enter the dwarf cave and cook me some dragon legs
  17. Sit in the driveway and stare at my neighbors like they always do to me
  18. Organize my sticky notes
  19. Conduct a ritual animal sacrifice of… a fruit fly I guess? (I don’t have any other animals) to honor the summer solstice.
  20. Ask my parents where my midsummer gifts are
  21. Make more cottagecore pillows
  22. Exercise. My rights. To bear arms. 🐻.
  23. Steal Sumarbrander from Frey, God of Nature and Stuff
  24. Fall in love with a girl named Maria, then need to run away with her as she is currently being shot at by the Russian mafia. We escape this country and move to the UK. We live in Big Ben, sure the sound is horrible and makes it hard to sleep, but it is a life. While there I fall in love with another woman named Maria, she is on the run from the gestapo, not to be confused with gazpacho, the first Maria’s favorite soup. So I leave the UK with the second Maria and move to Finland. This cycle goes on for three years, every summer solstice I find a new maria and run away to a new country.
  25. Party in the USA
  26. Celebrate my sister’s birthday :)
  27. Lose all sense of time and forget that it’s even midsummer