How the World has changed since the Slap

By the writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the Pittiful Knee Slappers) 

  • I have started slap-boxing in my free time
    • I have lost a bunch of weight and feel much healthier
  • The sun shines brighter than it used to
  • No one has died
    • Like literally no one 
      • We should check on Thanatos and Anubis  
  • My family has gotten better at communication
    • Whenever we feel angry at each other we just slap
  • Rainbows are 14 colors now, and appear twice as often
  • Food tastes better 
  • The Pittiful News is funny (just kidding, we were always funny)
  • My dad came back from the store, despite it being a dad paradise as noted in a previous article 
  • The iPhone 15 was announced, and it will only cost 5 dollars
  • I am still 
    • This is ten percent luck
    • Twenty percent skill
    • Fifteen percent concentrated power of will
  • But now I am 
    • Fifty percent pleasure
    • And fifty percent more pleasure
  • Global warming stopped, and Global Cooling was announced 
  • Babies are smiling again
  • Old people are laughing again
  • I came out of the closet
  • I went back into the closet
  • I came out of the closet
  • I went back into the closet
  • I came out of the closet
  • I have become a lot more indecisive about what I wear, also I’m gay 
  • Pigs can fly 
  • Birds can fly (the flamingo was angry at this previously) 
    • Don’t forget about Penguins  
      • Yeah they can fly now too
  • All crimes can now be excused through the “I was just protecting my family” excuse 
  • The fire in “We Didn’t Start the Fire” by Billy Joel finally got put out
    • Wow we let that burn for a while, wasn’t that silly of us?
  • My wife filed for reverse divorce
    • Do you mean she proposed
      • Nah, I got served  
  • I finally paid off all my credit cards
    • With other credit cards, but it still counts!  
  • Will Smith and Jada Pikket Smith got divorced  
  • The world was reset back to the year of our lord 2012 

Op Ed: Oscar Nominations an Embarrassment to the Film Industry

By Hannah Lynn
The first thing I saw this morning when I looked at my phone was that this year’s Oscar nominations had been announced. I quickly scanned the list of actors and directors nominated before confirming what I already knew: the Oscars are run by a bunch of stodgy old white men who can’t recognize good art when they see it.

Each year, the nominations regressive standards of unoriginal film. A man fighting for survival in the snow? I’ll pass. Another wall street movie filled with white men in suits yelling at each other? I don’t think so. A wispy British man? No. There is a very obvious fear of going outside the box, a box the Academy has built for themselves out of impenetrable cinder blocks. There were several movies in 2015 that so clearly deserved to be nominated, but weren’t due to blatant prejudices.

I’ve been beating around the bush but I might as well call it like it is: The Oscars hate mall cops, and were so blinded by the hate that they didn’t nominate “Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2.” I know, it’s an uncomfortable topic to talk about but it must be done if we want real change. “Paul Blart” is an excellent depiction of the trials and tribulations of being a mall cop in America, and it deserves just as much recognition as all the other films nominated.

Kevin James has slowly and steadily been working his way up the precarious ladder of the film world. From Otis the Cow in the arthouse classic “Barnyard” to Larry Valentine in “I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry,” James has been giving it his all and the effort shows in “Paul Blart.”

It’s time Hollywood flows down the inevitable river of progress, and gives artist the recognition they deserve, regardless of individual prejudices.

Women wear pants to award shows, continue to break barriers

By Hannah Lynn

At the recent Golden Globes award ceremony, multiple women including Lorde and Emma Stone, took a brave stance for women everywhere by wearing pants. No, that was not a typo. Multiple women, famous women, showed up to a public event in which they were photographed many times actually wearing pants.

There is no way to know for sure, but this could very well be the first time a woman has chosen to wear pants in public. Typically, at an awards show, women will wear a long gown of sorts, accompanied by a hamster-sized handbag. But pants opens up a whole new option for a handbag-less look!

“I have no idea who started this trend, but boy did it sweep me off my feet,” said SnapChat awards show correspondent Aidan Kyle.

A dress, first worn by women in the year 700 BC, is a garment that covers the body, but has an opening where the legs are, which is ideal for women during mating season. Pants, which were first invented in 1351, have typically been worn by men, who need full leg coverage while hunting and gathering.

With the Oscars coming up soon, the suspense will only build. What female celebrities will dare to wear pants to the most fashionable night of the year? Will Reese Witherspoon wear pants? Will Quvenzhané Wallis wear pants? Will Emma Stone wear pants AGAIN?

Emma Stone declined to comment on the subject matter, as did Lorde, but her publicist sounded like she was wearing pants over the phone.