A Nihilist’s Guide to the Top 10 Things to be Thankful for this Thanksgiving

By: Zach Hartman

Wondering what you could possibly be thankful for in a world where life is meaningless and nothing matters? Check out this list of our top 10 things nihilists can give thanks for this November.

1. Food to sustain homeostasis though another meaningless day.
2. Pumpkin Spice Lattes 🎃☕️😛
3. That turkey died to be on your table, but it’s life didn’t matter and it doesn’t even know that it’s dead. Eat up!
4. Arguments. Even though your existence means nothing, at least it was bitter and terrible.
5. A crisp autumn breeze 🍂😍
6. Memes, for cementing your disappointment in humanity.
7. Your friends and family 😊😘 (Thanks to my mom for coming up with #4).
8. Arby’s.
9. The heat death of the universe is inevitable, but it’s still 10^100 years away.
10. Why am I writing this it’s not going to get published anyway

My Top Answers to the Seven Most Awkward Thanksgiving Family Questions

By: Sonya Acharya

The holiday season is a great time to reconnect with your blood relations, which can mean lots of awkward questions, since everyone wants to know what you as a ‘damn millennial’ have been killing since they last saw you. But don’t worry! We here at the Pittiful News have got some spicy answers you can borrow to fill those awkward silences in the living room and around the dining table.

Q: “What is one of the top things on your bucket list?”
A: What if I’m indecisive and can’t decide what I want on my bucket list? What if I’m immortal and don’t have a bucket list? Why are we talking about death anyway, Linda? But since you asked, the top three things are, in order: to meet every character in Disney World while I’m dressed as that character, to appear on The Great British Bake Off, and to overthrow an oppressive social institution.

Q: Have you ever blacked out?
A: Have you?
(Let them answer, and then reply “OMG same! Twinsies!”)

Q: “What do you carry in your wallet?
A: OK first of all, bold of you to assume I even have a wallet. I do, but still. My driver’s license, $4.58 in cash, an expired fake ID, my library card from 2005, a Polaroid of my stalker, and a Trader Joe’s receipt for 2 containers of roasted red pepper hummus and a bag of Scandinavian Swimmers.

Q: “What’s your blood type?”
A: Why, Dave? So you can steal the blood, my blood, from my own veins? This is an invasion of privacy. I’m not answering that. Next.

Q: “You are forced to kill the person you’re deeply in love with. How did you get here and what are you going to do?”
A: I had a small encounter I had with a rubber duck, an 87-year old woman with a stiletto knife, and a handful of packing peanuts. What do I do? I kill them, obviously. You said ‘forced’ in the question, it’s not like I have a choice. Poison in the coffee I buy them on our next date should do it. I can find someone else to fall deeply in love with. Plenty of fish in the sea, amirite?

Q: “So you’re a millennial? What industries have you killed recently?”
A: Buttercream frosting, divorce lawyers, Crocs, diamonds… so many of them. I killed my succulents and also the stupid questions industry.

Q: “You up? 😉”
A: …
(This question is usually asked by that one cousin who’s a total fuckboy but also extremely hot? Second cousin, so it’s not, like, CRAZY, but probably illegal? idk. Regardless, meet it with stony silence; now’s a good time to go get some more food, or better, something to drink.)

Macy’s announces this year’s Black Friday sales started a decade ago

By Hannah Lynn

As Black Friday sales become increasingly hectic, retailers race to open earlier and earlier. Some open at 5 a.m on Friday, others open at 10 p.m on Thanksgiving day. This year, Macy’s revealed that this year’s sales have already happened.

According to Macy’s executive Dill Doman, the company commissioned several top scientists from around the world to work on a time machine that would allow them to go back several years and implement the sales. “It seemed like the next logical step. In order to stay on top of the competition, we simply had to build a high tech time travel machine that scientists previously thought to be impossible,” Doman said. “Where do you think all those ‘one-day’ sales come from?”

In the wake of this revelation, JCPenney has quickly put together a scrappy team of physicists to help them with their own time machine. “They shouldn’t bother, it’s too late!” Doman said.

JCPenney executive Jesus Christ Penney feels differently. “Did Dill Doman tell you it’s too late? That nincompoop doesn’t know what he’s talking about. It’s time travel! It’s never too late.”

After hearing the news of its two competitors getting involved in seemingly impossible scientific innovations that could change the entire course of human existence, Sears executive Clark Clent began to discuss his company’s plans for expansion and redemption when he trailed off halfway through his sentence and slid onto the cool tile floor. “Capitalism, you relentless bitch,” he said before closing his eyes. He was pronounced dead 10 minutes later, but perhaps time travel can be used to revive him.

Kmart will open its doors at 8am on Black Friday.