Obituary: Hot Girl Summer

By Zach Hartman and Sonya Acharya

Hot girl

 

With a heavy heart, The Pittiful News mourns the passing of Hot Girl Summer. She will be remembered as a special moment, a movement, a motion. With each sticker she added to her Hydroflask, she brought more joy to this world than the TikTok with the cat set to Mr. Sandman. Summer encouraged all of us to check our vibes, live, laugh and love, and find the hot girl within each of us.

Hot Girl Summer entered this world through Twitter earlier this year in June, and though her time here was short, it feels like she’s been here a lifetime. Hot Girl Summer is survived by her loving sisters from Delta Nu, VSCO Girl Autumn and Holiday Hoe Winter. The three of them were known by their friends as “Mother Nature’s bitches”. VSCO Girl Autumn will rise up out of the pumpkin patch to carry on the legacy of Summer as Mother Nature’s new best bitch.

A memorial service will be held during golden hour in Schenley Plaza next Sunday. Succulents may be sent to the Amos Hall Starbucks (4022 Fifth Avenue, Pittsburgh, PA, 15213).

 

Editor’s Note: Since publication, Autumn has cancelled Winter. We can only hope they resolve their differences in the next few months. Sksksksksksksksksk.

 

Undiscovered Pittsburgh Summer Activities

By Ossia Dwyer


It’s finally getting warmer in this ice tray we call Pittsburgh and that means time to explore this coal mecca we call home.  Now that Downtown is not constantly masked in a cool black smog, there is plenty to do and it’s safe to go outside.  Here are some ideas if you are looking to explore off the beaten path.
If you want to spend more time on Pittsburgh’s rivers…..
Try Crusty Pete’s Island Adventure Tours.  Join Crusty Pete and his trusty boat-themed pick-up truck the SS Grundle for a look at some of Pittsburgh’s best spots on the river.  This tour meets in the parking lot near the sketchy back part of the casino.  Life jackets not recommended. Thursdays are Billy Joel theme nights.  Tours only meet Thursday nights.
If you want to spend more time longboarding…
Try the Glass, Sharp Rocks, and Dry Concrete Pile.  Located in the weird section of town between Downtown and the South Side, the GSRDCP has all the pain, residual scratches, and embarrassment of learning how to longboard at only double the cost.  A ticket gets you a full day of all the pile activities you could ever think of.  Only Diner Club cards are accepted as payment.  Not associated with the Loose Gravel Emporium.
If you love the views off of the Duquesne Incline…..

Try the Window Washing Platform of Terror.  For thrill seekers of all ages, this experience will be one you may forget but only because of the residual concussions.  Hop on these formally blasé pieces of metal and toe the line of death when the cables are suddenly cut totally on purpose.  No refunds if platform doesn’t actually fall.  Check out our ad in the back of Steel City Vixens: Pittsburgh’s only softcore and ore themed adult magazine.