Divorcée Professor Desperately Plugs Office Hours

By Phil Forrence

Dr. Leo Johns’ 0616 Literature and Migration course took a turn for the worst last week when he finalized his divorce with his wife of eleven years. “He just won’t stop talking about his office hours,” Marco Royce, Johns’ student, laments. “He relentlessly tells of how much fun he and the students have there, but there are only twelve of us in the class and no one knows anyone who’s gone to them.”

“They’re a blast,” belts Johns, “Last week Maggie, good old Maggie, and her friend Jonathan swung by my office at 8 a.m. It was magical, we talked leisure, sports, arts and entertainment for hours. And I think those two love-birds might have a connection.”

“Nobody calls me Maggie,” clarifies Margret Ruffield.

“The other day I picked up a pen for Dr. Leo as I left class, and he hasn’t stopped telling people about what good friends we are.” Other students have noticed it too. Chris Diamond recalls, “He told me that if I stopped by his afternoon office hours he and I might get a visit from his old friend ‘Mary-Juana’ and when I told him I was busy he violently offered to write me a letter of recommendation to graduate school.”

“What I try to teach to my students is to not learn the lesson, but learn how to learn to learn the lesson. The problem with modern education is we are so caught up in tests. What even is a test? You know what a real test is? A conversation. People talking to people. Science, history, or geography, it doesn’t matter what. That’s what it’s all about.”

“He offered me money to teach him about Tinder,” Says student Beth Fields, “And not a small amount of money either. His final offer was seventy-five dollars and a plain gold ring off his finger. It was sad.”

Next semester Dr. Leo Johns’ will be teaching two sections of 0315 Reading Poetry. His office hours will be listed on the syllabus.

Student Actually Believes there are No Stupid Questions

By Leo Corman

It’s become a familiar refrain at the beginning of every semester: “If you have any confusion, please don’t hesitate to ask. There are no stupid questions.” Professors assure students that they are exceedingly approachable and will gladly answer any inquiry they have, no matter how big or small. Of course, as nearly all students and professors recognize, this is bullshit—stupid questions absolutely do exist, and such questions should be suppressed inside the stupid heads in which they originate.

Unfortunately, according to multiple reports and eyewitness accounts, freshman Kayla Roberts truly believes any question is worth asking. She feels free to blurt out whatever idiotic thing comes into her mind, without first stopping to consider, “Hey, maybe I should keep my mouth shut.”

Kayla’s economics professor says Kayla “is a solid student,” but “she really doesn’t seem to understand that when I say, ‘There are no stupid questions,’ that’s only because the school requires me to do so. What I actually mean is, ‘I’m happy to provide clarification or go into more detail on a topic, but I’d rather not address inane and imbecilic questions, like hers.’” Kayla’s questions this semester have included, “What’s the other one besides demand?” “How do you spell equilibrium?” and “Why won’t the Wi-Fi in here work?”

“I had a few questions of my own for [Kayla],” says her economics professor. “‘Are you a moron?’ ‘How are you in college?’ ‘How can you possibly be passing this class?’ ‘Do you really think I have nothing better to do with my time in lecture than spell out “equilibrium” for you?’ You’re on your phone all class anyways, just look it up, for fuck’s sake!” After catching his breath, he added, “Of course, I didn’t say any of that. I just smiled politely and answered dumb question after dumb question.”

Generally, professors convey that a stupid question has been asked through several cues: a deep, resigned sigh, a subtle roll of the eyes, and/or development of an extremely patronizing tone in which the professor punctuates each sentence with, “Okay?” However, Kayla appears not to perceive these signals, instead continuing to fire her stupid questions at will.

Several of Kayla’s classmates have complained about Kayla’s persistent questions as a source of distraction in class. Confided an anonymous student who shares two classes with Kayla, “That bitch needs to be quiet. I’m trying to concentrate on watching porn in the back of the classroom, and she keeps breaking my focus. It’s really annoying.”

Finally, for those who ask, “Doesn’t this article express kind of an elitist asshole sentiment by making people feel bad for having trouble with classroom material?” the answer is, “That’s a stupid question. Of course it does.”

Local Student Takes Break from Constant Anxiety to Eat Granola Bar

By Riley Weber

Spectators were amazed last Sunday when student Eric Mills arose from his couch in order to go to his kitchen and grab a snack. Mills proceeded to open a box of granola bars and after a brief pause, selected the chocolate chip flavor. He then returned to his spot on the couch, only stopping for a second to wonder about that stain on his coffee table.

This would be the third time that day Mills had moved from the couch, the first two being a trip to the bathroom and an accidental fall during a nap. “I was just between thinking about how I’m going to fail my Biology lab and thinking that that girl in my calculus class thinks I’m a goddamn loser when it occurred to me that I should probably eat something so I don’t waste away and die,” Mills said. The excursion to the kitchen took place at approximately 4:56 PM according to Mills. “I know because around that time my friend asked if I wanted to hang out and I remember thinking that I couldn’t because I had too much work to do and also am a poison to those around me.”

Reactions to Mills’ trip were varied. The Quaker Oats Company put out the following statement “We’re very pleased that Eric chose our product for his existential crisis. We hope to maintain the image that our company makes the perfect product for not letting your body digest its own muscle in order to survive.” This event is following the groundbreaking venture by Katherine Dolphman, who attracted media attention when she stopped in the middle of her mental breakdown drink a glass of water earlier this week. Mills closed with the announcement that the granola bar was somewhat satisfying, and that he may even try to eat another tomorrow after putting his life back together piece by piece.

Local Student Stabs Classmate After He Burps in Her Face

By Elisa Ogot

The following is a transcript of an interview with Pittsburgh University student, Brittany Howard from within the walls of the Allegheny County Jail where she is currently awaiting trial for stabbing her classmate, Jason Stewart, seemingly without cause.

Pittiful News: Hello Brittany. How are you holding up?

Brittany Howard: This place is actually really nice, it’s like a hotel. I’m doing great. I’m making friends, my parents have set up a commissary account…

PN: Okay, let’s cut the crap. Why did you do it?

BH: I had taken one step out of my dorm. ONE STEP. And this kid–

PN: Jason Stewart?

BH: Who?

PN: The student you stabbed.

BH: Oh, I don’t know that kid’s name.

PN: So you just–

BH: YEAH, I DID. I’VE NEVER MET THE KID IT WAS JUST ON SIGHT. I HAD BEEN AWAKE FOR FIVE, COUNT ‘EM FIVE MINUTES. I WAS LATE AND I RAN DOWN THE STAIRS. I BUSTED OUT OF THE DOORS OF MY DORM AND HE TURNED AND BURPED RIGHT IN MY FACE!! MY MOUTH WAS OPEN, HIS MOUTH WAS OPEN, AND HE BLEW HIS POST-DIGESTIVE PROCESS FOOD GAS RIGHT IN ME!! SO, I DIDN’T EVEN THINK. IT WAS INSTINCTUAL. I WHIPPED OUT MY POCKET KNIFE AND STABBED HIM RIGHT IN HIS GODDAMN WINDPIPE. MAYBE NEXT. TIME. HE WILL THINK TWICE ABOUT SPEWING THAT NOXIOUS GAS ANY. WHERE. EVEN CLOSE TO MY GENERAL DIRECTION. MAYBE NOW EVERY TIME HE BREATHES IN AND A LITTLE BIT OF AIR WHISTLES OUT THROUGH WHERE I PIERCED HIS FLESH HE’LL REMEMBER TO HAVE A MODICUM OF FUCKING DECENCY. MAYBE NOW HE’LL COVER HIS GODDAMN BLOWHOLE FROM TODAY UNTIL THE END OF TIME.

Brittany had to be restrained after this point in our conversation. Four armed guards rushed out and tried to pull her away from the glass, but she pulled out what appeared to be a switchblade and took two of them out before they tackled her to the ground. How she was even able to get her hands on  a switchblade…we might never know.