Jeffrey Chaucer Pays Surprise Visit To Cup and Chaucer Café

By Louis Lobron
Patrons of Hillman Library’s Cup and Chaucer cafe received a surprise this Thursday afternoon when none other than renowned tale-spinner and cafe founder Geoffrey Chaucer made an unprecedented appearance in the pseudo-Starbucks chill-out spot. 
Though Chaucer was initially met with utter and complete indifference, he eventually invited a few dubious stares as he addressed what he described to our reporters as a “tough crowd”. In his most eloquent middle-english, Chaucer dynamically recounted the first days of the cafe. “When Sir Cup and I had the idea to start a coffee-shop 800 years ago, everybody in England was all like “what’s a coffee shop?, and what’s coffee? and “this is what you get for being a liberal arts major, Jeff” , but we persisted, and by way of charging $4 for small cups of sugary, mildly caffeinated beverages, we made it work Goddamnit, and look how far our creation has come,” Chaucer spoke through a translator, and not without nostalgic, nostalgic tears. 

Customers of the cafe, as well as regular library-goers who just like the mellow vibe back there, did not, however, receive Chaucer well at all. “They should really start asking for ID during the day” said disgruntled student Colin Foles, adding “I just want to sit here and watch CollegeHumor videos and avoid responsibility in peace”. When library security noticed Chaucer, they assumed the legendary author was simply a vagrant off the street, and briskly escorted him from the premises, in spite of his protests. “The Knight’s Tale, The Reave’s Tale, The Miller’s Tale, don’t you remember? I made your high school English classes magical!” objected the saucy medieval wordsmith. 

When reached for comment, Pitt English department chair Don Bialotosky inquired “Isn’t the Miller’s Tale the one about farts?”.