What we did to celebrate the win against Clemson

By the writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the Clemsoniful News, Pitt got us in the divorce)

• Cured our hangovers by drinking more
• Made it just in time for Saturday night Mass
• Reconnected with Josh, the cute guy I met at the game 
• Made out with ROC
  • And disrespected The Tiger
• Made out with Kenny Pickett
  • And disrespected the Panther
• Pregamed on the drive to the frats after (it’s okay, I don’t drive stick) 
• Locked a band guy in the portapotty, stole his uniform, played the tuba, got to be close to SCOTTY
  • This sounds suspiciously like a sex thing.
• Bought a $20 hot dog from the concession stand
• Played Madden to relive the experience 
• Streaked the field, but with my clothes on and I was also walking
• Scheduled a rapid covid test
• Asked for extensions on all assignments, citing Kenny Pickett hysteria as the reason
• Put blue Mio in the frat juice so everyone would be puking pitt colors
• Murdered anybody I saw wearing orange
  • Forgive me, crossing guard
• Created our own victory lights by taking all the string lights from all the dorms 
• Streaked on Forbes Avenue  
• Got our flu shots!!
• Checked my polling place information for the November 2 election
• Burned down my high school (their colors were black and ORANGE)
• Rammed through all of the traffic cones in the parking lot…and then realized that the cones were just people in Clemson jerseys
• Told the shuttle driver to have a really nice night and apologized for the noisy ride back to Pitt
• Started pregaming for the next game against Miami 
• Wore the head pieces of fursuits of random college football mascots that have beat Clemson, out of sheer spite  
• Jumping into the air and shouting “Yipeeeeeeeee!”  
• Got into an “Okay?” “Okay.” loop with a young teen at the game.
• Drowned my orange tabby cat
  • THIS IS SO DARK OMG
• Tried to drown my goldfish, didn’t work
• Got irrationally angry at a Garfield comic 
• Pissed my pants
• Did something a bit gay.  
• Took down my MAGA flag – Trump’s spray tan teeters on Clemson colors and that is where I draw the line 
• Ate Frosted Flakes and spit them out because Tony the Tiger can suck my dick.  
• Perfected my liquid eyeliner skills because I’m a girlboss.  
• Joined the Cathedral Club so we could bathe our naked bodies in the glow of the Victory Lights 
• Shared skin care tips with my homies because we all deserve to look glowy <3   
• Raw Tigered the Tiger (similar to raw dogging but with a tiger)  
• Did laundry  
• Lost my virginity 
• Changed my tinder to guys and gals
• Upped my body count by so many
  • So many, guys, i have so many more bodies now 
• Bought blue and gold birds because that seemed like a celebratory thing to do at the time. 
  • Please help me i have too many birds i dont know what to do with them
• Mugged the guy who won the 50/50 raffle 
• Buttered my toast bottom side up  
  • Bottoms-up toast hits so good though
• Left my mom on read, now a SWAT team has kicked down my door killed my wife and I still have not told my mom I am ok 
• Got a bible verse tattoo to show my thanks to God
• Snuggled with my cat a bit more 
• Licked a few random hot dudes  
• Did the ice bucket challenge  
• Got ALS  
• Read my favorite book, the Cheesecake Factory menu
• Double homicide 
• Double Homie-cide  
• Double Tequila 
• Double Suicide
• Double 1-800-273-8255 
• Double-decker cheeseburger 
• Double-decker Bus 
• Ate a pizza
• Got hit by a Port Authority bus 
• Port Authority bus got hit by me 
  • Physics 
    • Yeah, Newton’s Third Law, I’m smart too
• Watched Ratatouille
• Found my virginity: it was in my dirty laundry  
  • It’s always in the last place you look!  
• Got drafted :(

I Lost My V-Card to a Corpse

By Megan Klein

One look at those long bony legs and lusting lips, and I wanted to bone. Like straight up bone this beautiful corpse I accidentally dug up. I know what you’re thinking: “Megan, why don’t you get a real boyfriend like everyone else?”

Well first off, I don’t want a boyfriend. I’m a cool gal that knows how to hang. Having a boyfriend is totally overrated when I need to be discovering ME– my interests, my passions, what makes me tick. I need to date myself right now. I’m not saying that if you have a boyfriend your life is totally and completely over, but you do have a lot of restrictions. If that works for you, then great! But I sure love the freedom of being able to wake up in the morning and know I have my whole day ahead of me free of the distraction of love. I can gracefully accept cat-calls,  play video games, and even wear the kinds of shoes I want. All free from mutual caring and consideration by an S.O.

So when Skele-boy texted me, “You wanna hang?” I thought, this is my chance to lose my v-card to someone who doesn’t love me. That way, I never have to worry about catching the feelings plague. So I did it. And holy guacamole. We banged in his coffin until sunrise. We were cuddling, and he said, “Hey, can you go home?” So I did. An old lady ghost jealously glared at me while I gathered my clothes and promptly climbed out from his grave. What a hater. I am a strong, independent woman who is learning that life is about loving yourself, and knowing that boys will break your heart, but if you take out your heart and force them to eat it, they can’t hurt you.

Halloween Decorations That Say You’re a Spooky Witch Down to F***

By Megan Klein

Need a way to tell your crush that you’re totally cool to do “stuff” without actually saying anything? Let’s these Halloween decorations do it all for you!

1. Candelabra – This one really says you know how to give good head. 

2. Cobwebs – Ooooh, spooky! Show your casual hook-up that they’ll never be able to leave or escape you with these hot webs of lusty love

3. A spooky doll – look at your crush, then look at your doll, then look back at your crush. Stare so deep into his eyes that your limbs begin to melt, and utter, “you have the same eyes.” He’ll be flattered, and blush.

4. A wine glass that says “Witches Brew” – you did it! You’re officially a witch! How creepy chic of you! Now bewitch him into never leaving you. Before you know it, he’ll be proposing, then you’ll be married, then you’ll have five kids and he can never leave you for that nasty Brunhilda!

5. A jack-o-lantern – carve your crush into a big ol’ orange ball and roast the pumpkin seeds into a heart. His heart. He’ll marry you instantly, and you’ll die on the same day at the same time lying next to each other

6. Some spiders – real ones, so when they bite your crush, he turns into a mutant to everyone else, but stays beautiful to you so no crazy, crazy girl can fall in love with him. He loses all other sense of feeling, and becomes incapable of speech. He can only repeat, “I kiss you long long time”.

7. A casual knife – Use it to cut some apples to a sweet cider!

Spooky Story: The Sinister Secret of Pumpkin Spice

By Cassandra DellaCorte

Ah, it’s fall! Beautiful foliage, cool weather, and fun clothes! But there’s a secret darkness lurking. In your coffee, your pies, all manner of sweet edibles- we call it pumpkin spice. Sure, it tastes like a fun, seasonal blend of our favorite squash, cinnamon and nutmeg, but it’s real content is much darker. It’s ground-up shelter cats.