By the writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the Clemsoniful News, Pitt got us in the divorce)
- Cured our hangovers by drinking more
- Made it just in time for Saturday night Mass
- Reconnected with Josh, the cute guy I met at the game
- Made out with ROC
- And disrespected The Tiger
- Made out with Kenny Pickett
- And disrespected the Panther
- Pregamed on the drive to the frats after (it’s okay, I don’t drive stick)
- Locked a band guy in the portapotty, stole his uniform, played the tuba, got to be close to SCOTTY
- This sounds suspiciously like a sex thing.
- Bought a $20 hot dog from the concession stand
- Played Madden to relive the experience
- Streaked the field, but with my clothes on and I was also walking
- Scheduled a rapid covid test
- Asked for extensions on all assignments, citing Kenny Pickett hysteria as the reason
- Put blue Mio in the frat juice so everyone would be puking pitt colors
- Murdered anybody I saw wearing orange
- Forgive me, crossing guard
- Created our own victory lights by taking all the string lights from all the dorms
- Streaked on Forbes Avenue
- Got our flu shots!!
- Checked my polling place information for the November 2 election
- Burned down my high school (their colors were black and ORANGE)
- Rammed through all of the traffic cones in the parking lot…and then realized that the cones were just people in Clemson jerseys
- Told the shuttle driver to have a really nice night and apologized for the noisy ride back to Pitt
- Started pregaming for the next game against Miami
- Wore the head pieces of fursuits of random college football mascots that have beat Clemson, out of sheer spite
- Jumping into the air and shouting “Yipeeeeeeeee!”
- Got into an “Okay?” “Okay.” loop with a young teen at the game.
- Drowned my orange tabby cat
- THIS IS SO DARK OMG
- Tried to drown my goldfish, didn’t work
- Got irrationally angry at a Garfield comic
- Pissed my pants
- Did something a bit gay.
- Took down my MAGA flag – Trump’s spray tan teeters on Clemson colors and that is where I draw the line
- Ate Frosted Flakes and spit them out because Tony the Tiger can suck my dick.
- Perfected my liquid eyeliner skills because I’m a girlboss.
- Joined the Cathedral Club so we could bathe our naked bodies in the glow of the Victory Lights
- Shared skin care tips with my homies because we all deserve to look glowy <3
- Raw Tigered the Tiger (similar to raw dogging but with a tiger)
- Did laundry
- Lost my virginity
- Changed my tinder to guys and gals
- Upped my body count by so many
- So many, guys, i have so many more bodies now
- Bought blue and gold birds because that seemed like a celebratory thing to do at the time.
- Please help me i have too many birds i dont know what to do with them
- Mugged the guy who won the 50/50 raffle
- Buttered my toast bottom side up
- Bottoms-up toast hits so good though
- Left my mom on read, now a SWAT team has kicked down my door killed my wife and I still have not told my mom I am ok
- Got a bible verse tattoo to show my thanks to God
- Snuggled with my cat a bit more
- Licked a few random hot dudes
- Did the ice bucket challenge
- Got ALS
- Read my favorite book, the Cheesecake Factory menu
- Double homicide
- Double Homie-cide
- Double Tequila
- Double Suicide
- Double 1-800-273-8255
- Double-decker cheeseburger
- Double-decker Bus
- Ate a pizza
- Got hit by a Port Authority bus
- Port Authority bus got hit by me
- Physics
- Yeah, Newton’s Third Law, I’m smart too
- Physics
- Watched Ratatouille
- Found my virginity: it was in my dirty laundry
- It’s always in the last place you look!
- Got drafted :(
The Pitiful News 