How to get over the extreme low you feel after Pi day has ended

By the Writers of the Pittiful News

Happy National Pi Day 2015! | Stamping With Karen
  • Drink a pi-nt of beer 
  • Drop by CVS to get Pi Day decor at 3.1415… percent off
  • Assassinate Julius Caesar
  • Eat Tyler’s cat 
    • no
    • okay but, like, what if…?
  • Read some Shakespire
  • Take down the Pi Day tree
    • O Pi Day tree, O Pi Day tree, thou art a symbol national
    • O Pi Day tree, O Pi Day tree, thou represent’st th’irrational
    • Your boughs so warm in oven’s heat, remain so warm on the cookie sheet
    • O Pi Day tree, O Pi Day tree, thou art a symbol national 
  • Assassinate the Little Caesar’s mascot
    • Implying the existence of a Big Caesar, who will also be terminated
      • “Why, man, he doth bestride the narrow world like a Big Caesar.” – Papa John
      • “The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars/But in ourselves.” – John Green
      • “You put the killing 3.1415 right between your teeth, but you don’t give 3.1415 the power to do its killing.” – Also John Green, John Green’s son
    • Medium Caesar shall also be terminated. No (Ro)man left behind.
  • Polish the Pi Day altar
  • Remember the pi-lights of yesterday
  • Stab someone with a pi-ke
  • Hail Lord Pi-ler Pi-kov
  • Eat some pi-zza
  • Eat some pi-neapple too. but not on top of the pi-zza, you fucking heathen
  • Engage in pi-litical debate that estranges you from one side of your family
  • Come out as pi-sexual
  • Eat 3.141 apple pies by yourself 
  • I like to spend the day pi myself
    • All pi myself
      • I don’t wanna be
        • All pi myself
          • Anymore
  • See what CNN has to report from yesterday… so much for the tolerant left
  • Friend my high school geometry teacher on facebook and tell her I miss her
    • Do the same but with my high school english teacher 
  • Tend to the rabbits 
  • Hail to Pi-tt
  • Ask Dean Bonner how he spent his Pi Day… in a pi-lite manner
  • Burn all of my Dr. Seuss books in solidarity with… racism? TBH, I just like arson
  • Pi-necone?
  • Analyze the proletarian undertones in Dolly Parton’s “9 to 5”
    • What a way to make a livin’
  • Pretend to know how college basketball works
  • Eat a big ole’ bowl of mashed potatoes (pi-tatoes?)
  • Watch Back to the Future with Pi-chael J. Fox as Marty McPi
  • Read Pi-lights Magazine
  • Learn Greek
  • Change your clocks another hour forward in honour of 2 irrational things happening in one day 
  • Pi-ne for your long-dead lover
  • Pi-romania. 
    • Pyromania. 
      • Do it.
  • Pledge a frat with Pi in the title to honor the legacy
  • Sneeze
    • Do you need a pi-ssue?
      • This pun didn’t work. I a-pi-lo-pi-ze.
  • Pi-lot an aircraft without a pi-lot’s license.
  • Cut off a large pi-ece of your hair
  • Write a pi-larious article for the Pi-ttiful News
  • Move away from Pi-nnsylvania
  • Hail to Pi-tt (again)
  • Live pi-cariously through your teen daughter
  • Read the pi-ography of Archimedes
  • Live on the run, pi-ding from the authorities
    • Fuck the pi-lice
    • You can also play pi-ng dong pi-tch
  • Sing “American Pi” by Don McLean
  • Watch the American Pi movie series (same cast as that Numb3rs show)
  • Eat a big ole’ bowl of mac n cheese
  • Crucify Jesus Christ. Call me Pontius Pi-late.
  • Wean yourself slowly off of the pi puns. It’s okay, it takes some people months to break the ha-pi-t.
    • Take your pi-me
  • Bake a cake to see that there are still other desserts out there
  • Light your own funeral pi-re 
  • Act irrational for an infinite amount of time 

15 Phrases to Bring Tension to Any Situation

tension

By Sonya Acharya

  1. “Scared, Potter?”
  2. “Make me.”
  3. “Do you trust me?”
  4. “Take me out.”
  5. “What if I don’t want to?”
  6. “I want to kiss your stupid face.”
  7. “Oh really?”
  8. “Mom said it’s my turn to use the Xbox.”
  9. “You know what else is beautiful?”
  10. “I’m new in town.”
  11. “Can you feel it, Mr. Krabs?”
  12. “I should start a podcast.”
  13. “And how does that make you feel?”
  14. “Long live the King.”
  15. “What do you want to do?”

Types of Salsa

In honor of Cinco de Mayo the Pittiful News has decided to put together the complete list of types of salsa:

  1. Mild
  2. Medium
  3. Spicy
  4. Thick and Chunky
  5. Thin and Mushy
  6. Hard and Lumpy
  7. Hot and Sour
  8. Batman and Robin
  9. Just straight beans
  10. Fiery
  11. The dance (is it hot in here?)
  12. AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH
  13. Bean there Done that
  14. Jalapeno Business
  15. Guacamole
  16. Restaurant Style

Please enjoy responsibly!

By Tyler Sikov