Social Dissidence | The Pitiful News

By Tyler Sikov

So, I took a long spring break and did not check my email at all while I was away. I showed up a month late to my class and there is no one here. I waited for the entire class timeslot and then went on to my sculpture class. I saw no one on my way there and I was locked out of the building. Since I could not figure out what was happening, I decided to do something I love: run up to complete strangers and give them a big hug. Now I am a fast runner but some of these people must hate to be hugged because they ran away like their lives depended on it. Since I was running so much, I was very red in the face and warm and I had a bit of trouble catching my breath. Plus, it is spring so I have my normal pollen allergy coughs. Once I was done with my brief coughing fit, I decided to go into the Union and see if anyone was around. At first, I did not see anyone so I did what I usually do when I am bored: lick every surface within reach. Some cleaning person can around and started cleaning off the tables that I had worked so hard to lick clean, but lucky for me I love the taste of lemon Lysol wipes so I just re-licked the tables. I was “politely” asked to leave, but since they were not very polite I “kindly” declined. When the police arrived they were all wearing gloves and masks, so to mock them I pulled out the gloves and mask that I keep in the lab coat I am always wearing. We got in the police car and one of the officers was really freaking out about getting some “corona”, which I was confused why he was talking about beer on the job but hey, I’m not a police officer so what would I know. It seemed like he was worried about germs in his mouth so I gave him my flask filled with bleach that I have on me at all times in case I want to take the edge off. Then they told me we had to “zoom” the police chief so when they started a video call with the chief I made an airplane noise every time he tried to talk. I was not really in the mood to go to jail again, especially since this time I had not released a zoo full of animals loose on the city, yet. So, I got out of the car and ran away coughing and threatening to lick them if they followed me, which was honestly more effective than I expected. So now I am at home doing what the government has suggested: Social Dissidence. Stay safe out there, and remember you don’t need to outrun the police, you just need to bring a slower running friend with you.