On the morning of February 7th, 2019, professor Michael Hawk finished going over the syllabus of his Organic Micro Marine BioChem III class by mentioning that the textbook was available at the bookstore, but not necessary for the class. This did not go over well with the author of the textbook, Sue King-Cox. Ms. King-Cox had previously sent a check for $100.59 to the professor, and executives of the textbook industry sent him a bottle cheap wine which had aged about as well as his racist tweets from the 1890s. Refusing to repay them for these generous gifts by making students buy an unnecessary textbook led to the industry hiring a hitman to deal with the problem, who probably would have succeeded had Professor Hawk not gotten fired for said racist tweets.
On January 11, that Friday, Agent Y, the world’s most renowned hitman, showed up in disguise for Professor Hawk’s class. He sat in the back, took his sniper rifle out of his backpack and assembled it, then waited for the students in front of him to move their heads so he could get the perfect shot. However, listening to the lecture caused him to fall asleep until the class was over and Professor Hawk was long gone. Agent Y tried this method a few more times before ultimately deciding to just kill the man at office hours instead. Unfortunately, the professor was not at his office hours, because no one showed up for them anyway. The agent ultimately decided to just kill the man when he wasn’t at work, but a new problem appeared when the news broke about the professor’s racist tweets.
As soon as the tweets were discovered, protesters descended on Professor Hawk’s house, preventing Agent Y from getting anywhere near it. At first it was just protesters who wanted the man fired for tweeting racial slurs in 1894, but a flock of counter-protesters joined the fray a couple hours later to defend the man’s job, citing reasons such as how “everyone was racist back then” and “he was just 65, young people make mistakes like that all the time.” However, those who stand by wanting the professor fired insist that 125 years just isn’t enough time to change one’s racist views. But these protesters didn’t just block hitman physically, but also in a deeply emotional way. “I couldn’t even get within sniping range of the house because those people were so damn annoying!” Agent Y reportedly told the Pitt News, although we here at the Pittiful News question their credibility as a news organization.
Ultimately, the textbook’s second edition was published a few weeks later and the industry called off the hitman. Professor Hawk has since written his own competing textbook/memoir titled “Biology and Blackface: Science Meets Deep-rooted Prejudice” which is to be released this Friday.
By: Blair Kriz
The Pitiful News 