Local Naïve Freshman Doesn’t Know She Wants to Be Dead Yet

By: Riley Weber
“College is so amazing. I love the people, the city and my classes. I don’t think I’ve ever been so happy in my life,” were the words freshman Tess Kopanski tweeted after her first week of classes. This tweet, along with several other joyful tweets sent shortly thereafter, have sent ripples through the upperclassmen community who all thought, in unison, “Aw, that’s adorable.”

Several upperclassmen were available for comment on the tweet and its stupidity. “Oh boy is this little Tess in for a surprise,” junior Marissa Route declared. “It’s a week in and I’m already drowning. I’ve got hours of work every night, balancing that with lab volunteering. Add that to the job I work over the weekends because I’m dirt broke and there you have it. I would LOVE to be dead.” At the time of the tweet, Kopanski had not even taken a single midterm yet, prompting the statement from sophomore Karl Stotten, “Last year I had two midterms and an essay due on the same day, another midterm and essay due the next day, then a full lab report due the next. I would have welcomed death’s cold kiss right then and there.”

Another student, senior Jared Leroy, gave us his version of events. “Haha. Hahaha. Ha. Good. But hey, could you do me a favor and swing that board full of nails at my head?” When Kopanski was told of her folly by almost everyone, she scoffed. “I took 3 AP classes in high school, while leading two clubs and having a job, how hard could it be? Being alive is really great!” More on this story as it develops.