radio

By the Writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly/Currently Teenagers, a concept the writers of this show are unfamiliar with)

There is a lot of kissing
Someone exits, pursued by a bear
They enter the wardrobe and meet the requisite Lion and Witch
A crossover scene with the BAU from Criminal Minds when Zendaya’s character gets temporarily murdered by the Zodiac Killer (Ted Cruz)
There is a scene from the director’s sex tape inserted secretly but only if you play it backwards at precisely midnight
Jughead decides to get a perm, abandoning his signature beanie
The Gang Commits A War Crime
- (“It’s Always Sunny” theme playing in the background)
Nate and McKay go to Overeaters Anonymous to help the mental aspect of their pageant careers, but hijinx ensue when they start murdering people
Homer and Marge finally divhorse. Wait, no– they divorse. What’s– what’s going on why can’t I spell the word–
- *gunshot* -Lord Tyler Sikov
Archie gets PTSD
- Archie (from Glee) gets PTSD (unrelated)
Darth Vader was Luke’s father the whole time
- NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
The cast sings Seasons of Love to honor their classmate Finn
Someone gets pulled out of a room by an old timey cane
The Beatles break up
Mike and Sully join Oozma Kappa
The murderous psychiatrist who eats people? Yeah, his name rhymes with Cannibal.
Nate tries to learn the Supalonely TikTok dance and chokes out his neighbor when he isn’t able to get the moves down. Kid’s got some anger issues.
It was his sled
The Gang Gets Involved In A Game Of Strip Sorry Sliders
- (“It’s Always Sunny” theme playing in the background, slightly warped)
Your favorite ship discovers that they are aroused by fire and turn into serial arsonists
Joseph R. Biden becomes the 46th President of the United States of America
Joe sets fire to the house while Taylor Swift plays in the background. He cuts off his toe to sweeten the deal and puts it into a pie. He flees to Paris to find his lover, leaving his Love behind.
Lexi and Fes talk all night and we find out that Fes’ grandma was sexy once upon a time
We call to ask about your car’s extended warranty. Again.
Mulan was a woman the whole time
Dr. Grey dies and donates her skeleton to an anatomy teacher
- Dr. Greysanatomy? Noooooooo
The Gang Steals The Declaration Of Independence Or Whatever (I Love Nic Cage)
- (“It’s Always Sunny” theme playing in the background but it sounds suspiciously like “Party In The U.S.A.” by Bruce Springsteen)
A thirty year old man takes an American History exam; fails
They do a whole lotta drugs. Where the hell do they get all of the drugs?
- Do you know how much drugs cost?
An entire episode is devoted to what you are meant to do with your body when you kiss
- Where do I put my hands?
- I have a long tongue, is this a problem?
- Whenever a girl kisses me I faint, is this normal?
- What am I meant to do with the clown nose?
- After kissing, this shining bearded guy surrounded by clouds comes down to give me a fist bump, who’s man’s is this?
Zendaya
That weird dude from the Kissing Booth kills his dad
Hype House crossover episode
The execs at HBO order the director to have more scenes of high schoolers in sexually explicit situations. Nothing wrong with that.
One of the characters says “I am become Euphoria”
One of the characters says “I am feeling Euphoria Streaming Now on HBO Max”
One of the characters says “I’ve had it with all of this Eu on my Phoria.”
- One of the characters says “I am going to buy HBO Max”
Kat goes to a poetry club to listen to slam poetry versions of Pitiful News articles
Fez goes to a poetry club to sell drugs
Kylo Ren was daddy the whole time
One of the characters gets COVID and they take a two week break from drama
Noah Centineo is cast as “DominantDaddy2”
One of the characters gets popular on YouTube and joins the Dream SMP
One of the characters is revealed to be Wendy Wu: Homecoming Warrior
Rue is sad
These high schoolers throw a bigger party than you or I have ever seen
Corpsehusband gets arrested for sleeping with highschool students during many raves
HBO recasts some of the characters to make them teens like the characters they play and so there will be even less wrong with showing them fully naked and in sexually explicit situations.
HOBO makes a full episode inside of a homeless shelter where the main conflict is over the worth of homeless people, they end up killing 45 of them
At the end of the series finale, instead of doing a jump freeze frame, the entire cast does the Radio Rebel Debby Ryan face

By I.S. Mills

Scott Cordero, of Lawrenceville, doesn’t use his car radio.

“I don’t even let my friends put the radio on when I’m in their cars, because it hurts my ears so bad,” he says.

The teen can’t stand to hear Adele or Taylor Swift. He’s not a fan of Imagine Dragons or Katy Perry either.

“Actually, I mean, Imagine Dragons has one or two good songs. Because they’re an actual band with like, drums and bass and everything,” Cordero amends.

He doesn’t spend much time with his mother or sister, who enjoy pop music. He claims that pop music is making his 16-year-old sister “crazy” and “stupider than she already is”.

Cordero’s favorite bands include Led Zeppelin and Pearl Jam. He is also a fan of

AC/DC, the Rolling Stones (“Obviously,” he says,) and Aerosmith. Cordero says he often feels isolated because of his music preferences.

“All of the idiots at school listen to nothing but Rihanna. Me and the guys listen to real music. That’s what makes us unique. Nobody has ever heard of what we listen to. Except Mr. DeBrolie, he’s really cool. He has a Styx poster in his room,” explains Cordero.

Scott Cordero is a member of his middle school’s rock ensemble, in which he plays tenor saxophone. On the weekends, he helps his dad fix cars while listening to Q94 on the radio. His greatest wish, apart from skateboarding in the Grand Canyon, is for everyone to understand his love for what he calls “real music”.

“Like my dad says sometimes, they don’t make ‘em like they used to. It’s just sad that nobody knows about any of these bands because I feel like they could’ve been really popular if people appreciated good music. But everyone only has ever liked pop. Everyone in my dad’s generation probably just listened to the One Direction of 1965, whatever that was. It’s just like, duh, listen to the Beatles or something instead! Have some culture for once.”