pumpkin

Things to do while yelling “It’s FALL!!”

pitifulnews fall, hot, pumpkin, sheets n' scarves, Spooks

By Sonya Acharya

fall

  1. Throw leaves, preferably orange, preferably crunchy
  2. Use a shovel to throw brown wet leaves because autumn rain is a thing
  3. Run through a pumpkin patch
  4. Try to look cute for your seasonal Insta story update when you trip over a pumpkin in said patch
  5. Caption it “Pumpkins or Punkins?” and thank me later
  6. Sip a pumpkin spice latte
  7. Chug that pumpkin-spicy goodness
  8. Go apple picking
  9. Pour scalding cider down your throat. Feel your throat blister
  10. Bake some seasonal goodies
  11. Make a blanket fort, crawl into it, and binge said goodies and some Netflix of your choice
  12. Rip off your tank top to reveal a turtleneck underneath
  13. Move those skeletons from your closet to your front porch (the freezer skeletons can stay till later)
  14. Drape a woolen infinity scarf over your entire body
  15. Pile all your scarves on your bed and burrow into them because you live here now
  16. Drape a white sheet over yourself in order to become a Spook™
  17. Check your boots for spooks before wearing them even though it’s eighty degrees outside
  18. Start up an increasingly-loud chant of “This is Halloween!”
  19. Yell “It’s FALL!!!” even louder
  20. Make crinkly noises with the candy wrappers in your pockets

Halloween Sex Tips

pitifulnews college, comedy, corpses, halloween, humor, pumpkin, satire, sex, sex tips

By Critter Fink

Image result for pumpkin glory hole
  1. Empty a pumpkin out
  2. Layer the guts in a 9X13 pan
  3. Pre-heat oven to 350 degrees
  4. Bake the pumpkin guts for 10-13 minutes or until golden orange
  5. Carve a penis shaped hole in the side of the pumpkin
  6. Put the fully baked pumpkin guts back into the pumpkin
  7. Put your penis into the hole
  8. Feel the burns from the extremely hot guts surround your member 
  9. Fuck the shit out of that pumpkin 
  10. Go to the hospital to get your second and third degree burns treated
  11. Give your number to the first nurse you see
  12. Wait three days 
  13. She will not have texted you in this time 
  14. Find out where she lives
  15. Bring the pumpkin that you originally fucked 
  16. Put the pumpkin on her front porch
  17. Break into her home
  18. Murder her
  19. Take her corpse home because you are now married
  20. Empty out the innards in her body 
  21. Put them in a 9X13 pan, lightly greased
  22. Bake for 15-20 minutes or until golden brown 
  23. Stuff her torso fill of the now  
  24. Enjoy having a warm body in your bed again
  25. Return to her home because you forgot your pumpkin you goof!
  26. The police are there and you tell them you just need your pumpkin
  27. Literally seven people saw you dragging the corpse out
  28. Double check that the oven is off
  29. The police will bring you to jail
  30. You are now serving life in prison
  31. Learn how to be a bottom bitch in prison
  32. Get craaaazy good at giving head
  33. Find a drug kingpin to be your zaddy

So if you want a cute and casual way to put some Halloween fun into you sex life this is the plan for you!

Halloween Decorations That Say You’re a Spooky Witch Down to F***

pitifulnews college, comedy, dolls, funny, halloween, humor, jack o lantern, pumpkin, satire, skeletons, spiders, spooky, webs, wine, witch

By Megan Klein

Need a way to tell your crush that you’re totally cool to do “stuff” without actually saying anything? Let’s these Halloween decorations do it all for you!
  1. Candelabra – This one really says you know how to give good head. 
  1. Cobwebs – Ooooh, spooky! Show your casual hook-up that they’ll never be able to leave or escape you with these hot webs of lusty love
  1. A spooky doll – look at your crush, then look at your doll, then look back at your crush. Stare so deep into his eyes that your limbs begin to melt, and utter, “you have the same eyes.” He’ll be flattered, and blush.
  1. A wine glass that says “Witches Brew” – you did it! You’re officially a witch! How creepy chic of you! Now bewitch him into never leaving you. Before you know it, he’ll be proposing, then you’ll be married, then you’ll have five kids and he can never leave you for that nasty Brunhilda!
  1. A jack-o-lantern – carve your crush into a big ol’ orange ball and roast the pumpkin seeds into a heart. His heart. He’ll marry you instantly, and you’ll die on the same day at the same time lying next to each other
  1. Some spiders – real ones, so when they bite your crush, he turns into a mutant to everyone else, but stays beautiful to you so no crazy, crazy girl can fall in love with him. He loses all other sense of feeling, and becomes incapable of speech. He can only repeat, “I kiss you long long time”.

  1. A casual knife – Use it to cut some apples to a sweet cider!