By Isaac Przybysz
In light of the recently announced policy regarding club names, Pitt has decided to take legal action against the City of Pittsburgh for the use of “Pitt” in its name.
The policy in question would prohibit student organizations on campus from using the words “Pitt” or “Panther” in their names, due to being legally separate organizations. This would affect many organizations on campus, including us here at the P***iful News. However, the university has decided to go farther: the city it is located in.
“After careful consideration, we at the University have decided to enact this policy to protect our brand. As a consequence, we cannot allow the city of Pittsburgh, an independent entity, to use the ‘Pitt’ name,” said Pitt spokesperson Gatrick Pallagher in an email last week. “Unfortunately, the city’s arguments of ‘we had the name first’ and ‘how the hell do you even trademark an animal?’ are not acceptable grounds for exemption, and thus we have decided to pursue legal action against the city.”
The policy does,however, allow clubs to distinguish themselves as being located at the University by including “at Pitt” or “at the University of Pittsburgh” in their names.
“The city will just have to call itself The Burgh at Pitt,” said Pallagher.
For now, the city of P***sburgh is left wondering how to evade the wrath of the University overlords. The short answer? They can’t. Pitt is inevitable. All the city can do for its own identity is hope Blackbeard, metal alloys, and flightless birds don’t come knocking at the legal doors.