Study: Teachers Who Allow Formula Sheets Have Bigger Dicks

By Phil Forrence

A recent study out of the University of Pittsburgh suggests that professors who allow students to use custom formula sheets on math, science, or engineering tests have a heftier endowment than those who do not.

“Well, hey, let’s not get ahead of ourselves,” said Dr. James Townsend. “Just because a professor allows equation sheets on midterms doesn’t necessarily mean he has a larger inseam.” Trends don’t control the reality of the individual, he explained. “In my case though, yeah, I got one swinging peen.”

Dr. Samuel Lincoln is the head of the Computer Engineering department at Pitt. “We should be careful talking about these studies,” said Lincoln. “Correlation isn’t causation. Just because I allow my students a single note card, front and back, for each Micro-Electronics test, doesn’t mean I have a Johnson worth singing about.” There is not necessarily a one to one relationship between allowing flashcards and a large penis. “But if we’re talking specifically about me, yeah, I got one slangin’ bangin’ sex nightmare.”

“It’s actually an old teaching adage that if you allow equation sheets, you might have a more expansive ‘manhood’,” explains Dr. Elizabeth Brooks, professor of chemical engineering at Pitt. “In my experience, that isn’t true 100% of the time.” Here, she implicates anecdotal evidence that not all teachers who help their students out have the aforementioned enhanced state of being. “If we’re talking about me though, I got one enormous hanky-panky stanky love making monstrosity.”

Professor Sleeps with Student to Raise Rate My Professors Score

By Leo Corman
Image result for black college professor
Pitt professor Joseph Schmoe has become the subject of significant controversy after news surfaced today that he had sex with one of his students in an attempt to raise his subpar rating on the popular website
According to Schmoe, it all began last year when, against his better judgment, he looked up his own Rate My Professors score. “I was absolutely taken aback. Sure, maybe I’m not the best professor out there,” said Schmoe, visibly distressed. “Maybe I’m not the easiest, or the friendliest, or the most attractive, but Jesus Christ, I’m a college professor, not your Hooters waitress. And 1.2? 1.2! I know damn well that I’m not a 1.2!”

It wasn’t just the low overall rating, by far the worst in his department, that upset Schmoe, but the content of the students’ comments as well: “I read through all 127 student ratings, and many were simply ridiculous. ‘Talks too much.’ It’s a lecture, what the hell am I supposed to do? Should I just stand there and stare at you? ‘Know-it-all.’ Really? You want a professor that doesn’t know anything? That’s what you’d prefer? ‘Looks like Herbert from Family Guy.’ That’s completely irrelevant, and I do not! I’m 35 years old, and there’s absolutely no resemblance whatsoever!”
Schmoe says he felt helpless. “I just wanted one honest, fair rating, one that reflects what I deserve for all the effort I’ve put in, and it seemed like I had no way of getting that. I have way too much integrity to go online and falsify my own rating … so I decided to sleep with that girl in the hope that she might give me a good rating. Was it a smart idea? No. Will I lose my job? Probably. Did she give me a good rating? Last time I checked, she has not. Honestly, I’d give the whole experience a 1.2/5.”
When asked about the incident, Schmoe’s wife, Jean, said, “I just feel sorry for that poor girl. I mean, you think Joe is bad at teaching – just wait until you have to sleep with him.”

Divorcée Professor Desperately Plugs Office Hours

By Phil Forrence

Dr. Leo Johns’ 0616 Literature and Migration course took a turn for the worst last week when he finalized his divorce with his wife of eleven years. “He just won’t stop talking about his office hours,” Marco Royce, Johns’ student, laments. “He relentlessly tells of how much fun he and the students have there, but there are only twelve of us in the class and no one knows anyone who’s gone to them.”

“They’re a blast,” belts Johns, “Last week Maggie, good old Maggie, and her friend Jonathan swung by my office at 8 a.m. It was magical, we talked leisure, sports, arts and entertainment for hours. And I think those two love-birds might have a connection.”

“Nobody calls me Maggie,” clarifies Margret Ruffield.

“The other day I picked up a pen for Dr. Leo as I left class, and he hasn’t stopped telling people about what good friends we are.” Other students have noticed it too. Chris Diamond recalls, “He told me that if I stopped by his afternoon office hours he and I might get a visit from his old friend ‘Mary-Juana’ and when I told him I was busy he violently offered to write me a letter of recommendation to graduate school.”

“What I try to teach to my students is to not learn the lesson, but learn how to learn to learn the lesson. The problem with modern education is we are so caught up in tests. What even is a test? You know what a real test is? A conversation. People talking to people. Science, history, or geography, it doesn’t matter what. That’s what it’s all about.”

“He offered me money to teach him about Tinder,” Says student Beth Fields, “And not a small amount of money either. His final offer was seventy-five dollars and a plain gold ring off his finger. It was sad.”

Next semester Dr. Leo Johns’ will be teaching two sections of 0315 Reading Poetry. His office hours will be listed on the syllabus.