In a shocking turn of events, noted pseudoscientist and Harvard alumnus Dr. Mehmet Oz has been declared the winner of the Pennsylvania senate race after thousands of ballots pour in from New Jersey.
Announcing his victory from his New Jersey mansion, which shares the address of over 500 of the tardy ballots, Oz celebrated the eventual voice of the people overcoming the radical left machine.
Fetterman, in a fit of rage, was spotted tearing off his pullover hoodie (which, to our surprise, revealed a second pullover hoodie of the same color and design) while muttering the words “from Pennsylvania, for Pennsylvania…”. Fetterman, ultimately, was not the runner-up of the election after the mail-in votes were tallied, with second place going to ‘‘Nemet Oz”, which was somehow penciled on every ballot received from Texas.
Fetterman went on to say that the ballots were clearly fraudulent, as many of them were signed ‘Mehmet Oz’. A spokesperson for the Oz campaign responded to this by hiding from reporters in the bushes.
Dr. Oz supporters were suspiciously un-surprised at the late change of fortune for the republican nominee. One voter said, “No, I’m not surprised at all. Once you’ve stuffed as many ballot boxes as I have, you kind of develop a sense of who’s going to win. Especially when you open them and change the boxes”
Fetterman was also infuriated by the third party and write-in votes that could have carried the important election for the democrats. According to sources at Vote.org, over 100,000 votes were cast for Sidney Crosby, and almost 70,000 voters wrote in “Kenny Pickett’s hands.” The Pittsburgh Steelers had to forfeit their sixth-round draft pick for the upcoming year to the Democratic Party, which plans to select a replacement for the aging Presidential position.
When asked for his reaction, Josh Shapiro laughed at our reporters as he ate a comically large bucket of popcorn. His evil twin brother, Benjamin Shapiro, regarded Oz’s win as “purely hypothetical and backed by facts and logic.”
The RNC celebrated Oz’s win on Sunday night with a “cardiology-themed bash,” with the hearts of goats and other innocent beasts spiked on the walls.
Today, officials of Pittsburgh’s best and brightest neighborhood announced a change that might take some getting used to. In a shocking move, the home for most of the University of Pittsburgh’s undergrads, S. Oakland, will be known as ‘Soak Land’ for the rest of the summer and brings some pretty exciting changes. The mayor of Soak Land, Jerold Bongstank, announced the new direction for the community in front of a crowd of billions of excited onlookers. With climate change resulting in increasing temperatures throughout July and August, Bongstank desired a fun, accessible, and unique way for residents to cool off while still getting outdoors and enjoying the sunshine. The new Soak Land moniker will hopefully bring in a new wave of tourists to the neighborhood, resulting in an influx of cash to small, local, community-owned stores like Rite-Aid. Soak Land officials say that the new name has no connection to the Mormon act of soaking, but it may begin to market itself to BYU students with this association in mind.
“I think that including space for public fun is essential for increasing happiness, joy, various vermins, and letting me show off my freshly chiseled beach bod,” said Bongstank. In addition to the new name, Bongstank has announced a number of public works projects that will convert the neighborhood into an ‘outdoor Great Wolf Lodge, but without that stupid wizard quest crap.’ The sidewalks will soon be covered with tarps that are regularly slicked with dish soap and various crude oils for a wet and wild perambulatory experience, and all fire hydrants will be cracked open with a sledgehammer for a high-pressure shower to cool off in the summer heat. Also promised with this conversion are several big buckets that drop thousands of gallons of water onto anyone unlucky enough to be within a 500-foot radius of the impact zone. One city council member expressed concern over the environmental impact of this extraordinary amount of water on the soil and road conditions but was quickly carried away by a large swarm of rats to cheers from the crowd and calls for a beheading and further violent revolutionary acts.
The announced changes will be implemented ASAP, according to neighborhood officials. Soak Land promises to have an open dialogue with residents to ensure that losers not interested in participating in The Wetness will be relocated elsewhere.
“In these changing times, we must allow ourselves to change with them,” said Bongstank.
Okay, okay, settle down now. I know that all of you 3rd Amendment stans might take this the wrong way, but I can assure you that I will have changed your mind on this subject by the end of the time we have together. You guys had a good run! In its time, big number three was the best of the best – the cream of the crop of constitutional commandments. But, to state the obvious, times have changed. In light of the COVID-19 pandemic that forever changed how we view social interaction, I believe it to be time to change the way we think about our amendments as well – and allow ourselves to have friends again.
In case you don’t know what I’m talking about, because you slept through your U.S. history lectures in high school because your teacher wouldn’t stop complaining about their divorce, allow me to fill you in on the basics. The 3rd Amendment was ratified (an archaic word referring to a process in which big rats gnaw on a wooden box containing a scroll with the amendment written on it – if the rats get through the box before the new moon, the amendment would be accepted) in 1791 (an archaic number referring to the concepts of ‘years’ which no longer have any meaning). It was proposed in response to some British people being weird and annoying, so, as good a reason as any, I guess. The amendment itself says:
“No Soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the Owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law.”
What? Still don’t get it? I should’ve known that my younger audience couldn’t possibly understand the incredible nuance of the great writers of yesteryear. Allow me to translate:
“The redcoats keep getting in through the crack under the door and eating all of my baked goods. I’m going to pass a law to ban squatting because I’m selfish.”
Got it? Good. Now we can debate like true constitutional scholars.
We as a people have been shut off from the rest of the world for the past two years. The concept of real life has been long lost to the void, and any human socialization has been neutered into a shameful replication of how the world should be. I’m not saying the third amendment is to blame, but it has been in the Constitution for the entire pandemic. Coincidence? Let’s find out.
My plan is simple: repeal the amendment, and then set up a government organization to match people living on their own with a nice soldier friend! The FBI can just compare all of the data they have on us with our new soulmates – and boom. The loneliness caused by the pandemic is instantly solved. You and General Bestie can live out the rest of your days together, in a government-assigned paradise. They might even be attractive – or even better: not part of the alt-right!
I’m lonely. Yeah, I can admit it. I’m secure enough in my loneliness to be able to say that. Are you? I bet not. Coward. Repealing the 3rd amendment is crucial to restoring the broken psyche of the American people. Most people are too scared to admit it, and that’s why we need the power of the federal government – we all know that only good things can happen when they get involved.
If you don’t like having friends, then you don’t have to agree with me. I understand your concerns (I’m an empath) and can admit when I might be wrong. If the plan doesn’t end up working, we can just repeal the repeal, no big deal. Remember when we banned drunk driving in the ’30s? What would America be without it?
All in all, I think it’s worth a shot. Some of the people in the military are pretty cool! I met this one guy who was in the Air Force, and he gave me my first cigarette if I promised not to tell my mom that I let him out of the basement. You’re gonna tell me that you don’t want to have that guy living with you? Friends are necessary for people to expand their mental boundaries and make intimate connections that are oh so rare these days. If you’re sympathetic to my views, consider joining the movement and ask your congressman to repeal the 3rd amendment. We’re always looking for more people to join our team of people who appreciate the government agents that are living in my walls.
By the Writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly Unvaccinated) edits made in bold: original article
What is COVID? No, seriously, what is it. Somebody please tell us. Ain’t that the crow family? (closed captioning provided by PBS kids, the BBC, and viewers like you.)
NOVEMBER 1, 2021
Pitt announced in a Monday Funday campus wide email that all students and employees must be vaccinated against COVID-69, or receive an approved exemption, beginning Jan. 6th 2021. The vaccine joins the measles, mumps, rubella, chicken pox, ligma, sugma, dysentery, mad cow disease, lycanthropy, death, and meningitis vaccines already “required” by the University.
The move, which takes effect on the first day of classes after Thanksgiving break, followed months of pressure, the build up is very anticipated and once it arrives we can relieve some of our built up juices by replacing it with that good good science semen, from elected campus leaders, who nearly all expressed support last spring by margins wider than a freshman paper that is just under the page requirement. It also comes after some have questioned how, if at all, funding from Pennsylvania’s Republican-led legislature has played into the vaccine mandate trigonometry by state-related universities. The State Senate leader said Penn’s Taint would likely face “hordes of aerial humpback whales” if a mandate took effect, but the state-related university ended up rolling out a fruit roll-up that will also start in December.
Pitt faculty, staff, haters, lovers,mothers, and fuckers who have not uploaded spooof of vaccination are currently required to take weekly COVID-19 vape hits. Negative test results [sic (via Jon Moss)] or failure to get tested results in a resulting loss of access to University buildings and a spank from Patrick Gallagher himself, which critics contend would actually result in an increase to unvaccination rates. Currently, 106% of faculty members, 143% of staff, 6% of undergraduate students, 100% of lizardmen,and 98% of sewer rats have submitted proof of vaccination.
The University said in the email that its current approach is “really stupid.” Chancellor Patrick Gallagator said at September’s Student Council bake sale that the University’s weekly COVID-19 testing program for the unvaccinated was estimated to cost between $20 to $50 million, the majority of which is paid for by the tuition of Pitt’s vaccinated student body.
“By enforcing this requirement now, we will be able to pretend we have a moral backbone while simultaneously bending to the will of mothball-ridden, lobbyist-backed Republicans.We will also maintain a high defenestration rate on our campuses,” the email said, “while continuing to support our students and research, as well as protect our workforce, with minimal disruption to our programs, activities or money-laundering operations.”
The requirement will affect 2,250 students, 420 faculty and 690staff members who have not disclosed their vaccination status, the email said. We would like to take this time to mention that The University of Pittsburgh has completed their 15 year research into the topic of talking emails, and by George they have done it. Currently enrolled students who fail to comply with the Dec. 6 deadline will not be able to enroll for spring classes (or slinky classes) or live in residence halls as of Jan. 6th, 2022, also known as Put Trump Back in Office 2: Electric Spookaloo. Students who have already enrolled in classes but fail to provide proof of vaccination or obtain a proper exemption will be disemboweled. We will however be keeping all of the money they paid because we value money more than we value teaching in a safe environment like, oh, I don’t know, online. Current employees will be subject to disciplinary action, which will include loss of access to electronic resources and other disciplinary actions up to and including termination of employment, the email said. The talking email strikes again. Also additional disciplinary actions could include: a single spanking, staff being made to listen to the forbidden sound of a banana hitting a kayak, being forced to watch cute puppies and kittens and ducklings playing and not being allowed to touch them, and/or having their arms and legs chained to the roof of Cathy. To find a full list look here.
Pitt community members can request an exemption beginning next Monday from the vaccine requirement for medical reasons, or reasons based on being a massive piece of shit. The email said the Office of Danger, Exclusion, and Iffy Business will review these requests on a case-by-case case-is. Those granted an exemption will be subject to additional midget-station measures, such as routine COVID-19 testing.
The email added that this is an interim policy, and a formal charter and committee are being formed to create a permanent policy. We here at the Pitiful News feel that Pitt is going a bit overboard with this whole talking email thing. Faculty Assembly President “Glad” Robin Kear (of “Batman” fame) said many years ago, on a night much like tonight, that she was part of a group that analyzed the possible consequences related to faculty vaccination requirements, and also noted that she is “glad” there may be a possible vaccination policy.
Kear, who was “glad,” said “Monday” that she is “glad to see Pitt moving ahead with a vaccine requirement to keep the Pitt community safe and healthy.” Kear, who was “glad,” continued to note her support for a mandated vaccine. Kear was quoted as being “glad” at the future prospects for the greater “student” body regarding a future “requirement too” [sick] be vaccinated – something we can all be “glad” about!
Harshitha Ramanan, also glad, the Student Government Board president, did not immediately respond to a request for comment, but did release a finsta story complaining about how uncomfortable the chairs are in many Cathedral of Learning classrooms. A random old man was noted saying, “are you committed to ending ‘finsta?’”
Pitt officials did not immediately respond to a question about whether community members will still need to swipe their Panther Cards in their ass cracksand wait for it to beep when entering University buildings — used to prove compliance with the current COVID-19 vaccine and testing program — when the new policy takes effect in December. Currently, you are not required to swipe your Panther Card in your ass crack, but you can if you want to (heh, sick).
In an altogether unprecedented moment of self-awareness, president-elect Trump has announced his placement as Carol Brukensting as his first white house staff member, as the president’s own personal nanny. “I know my limitations. I’ve been focusing so much time and energy on this campaign that my body has begun to forget how to properly function on a basic level, so I hired Carol.”
Miss Brukensting has been a nanny for 30 years, but considers this to be her most presidential role yet. “I’ve never nannied for anyone above 13 years-old before, and I have to say I was nervous. But after meeting with the man and interviewing him, following him around to see what he needs, it turns out that he basically functions exactly the same as a 6 month old child on a physical level. I change his diapers, burp him when he gets cranky, put him in his bouncy chair when he gets too upset. The hardest part is cleaning up his face after he spreads his mac and cheese all over it. He thrashes around so violently he nearly falls over in his high chair.” Continue reading →
“Please describe yourself.” It’s one of the first things employers ask in an interview, but how to do you convey all of who you are in mere words? Let’s take note from Donald himself.
“I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody” Perfect if you’re applying to any retail position! They want to know you have limits, and regular people can push them.
“A very good brain.” Business professionals take note! This business-man didn’t get to the position he’s in by not just coming right out and saying how smart he is.
“I know more about ISIS than the generals do.” This is the most obvious one. Get it out of the way as early as possible.
“A nasty woman” A classic. You’re Nasty—that’s your brand. Make sure employers know what they’re getting into when they hire you.
“I know Russia well—I had a major event in Russia two or three years ago. Miss Universe contest, which was a big, big incredible event—an incredible success” It’s hard for employers to trust your organizing skills, so tell them upfront your history with foreign beauty pageants.
“I think the only difference between me and the other candidates is that I’m more honest and my women are more beautiful” This phrase is useful if you get the classic “why are you qualified for this position” question.
“I love Hispanics” This one is a great starter; it shows you’re full of compassion. I would actually start with this phrase even if you’re not prompted to. Handshake then “I love Hispanics”
As Election Day nears and Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump struggles to win the support of many key demographics, one prominent group has continued to back him—masochists. “When most people think of masochists, they only think of physical suffering,” said Alec Pain, a spokesperson for the Society of National Masochists, “But we’re all for emotional suffering too.”
Pain and other masochists feel the same distress and anxiety in response to Trump’s divisive rhetoric as many other Americans—that’s the whole point. “I listen to Trump’s narcissistic, hate-filled speeches, and I’m genuinely worried about the future of our country,” said Pain. “And man, what a rush that is!”
While they agree that Trump is entirely unqualified to become President, most masochists cannot resist the urge to vote for a candidate who will bring them so much pleasure. “Every time I hear him talk about that stupid wall I get a little tingling sensation,” admitted David Ouchy, another member of the SNM. “If he became President, just imagine all of the offensive gaffes, the foreign policy blunders, the vague promises unfulfilled … I’m already aroused just thinking about it!”
Thus while most Americans contemplate November 8th with dread, a few might truly be excited by the results.
The Internet is no stranger to “open letters”: those impassioned online rants with little or nothing new to say. Here at the Pittiful News, we believe that real, pen-on-paper, opened letters have a greater power to illuminate the issues that matter. In our quest for transparency, we may have uncovered the next mail scandal of the 2016 election.
Hillary Clinton has been lambasted for holding secret email conversations on a private account during her term as secretary of state, but that’s nothing compared to the overflow of secret physical mail we found hidden in a metal box on ousted DNC chairwoman Debbie Wasserman-Schultz’s private property. Get ready to lambaste again, America, because the following letter gives a whole new meaning to “irresponsible”.
I decided that your birthday gift for Mike warranted an old-fashioned letter rather than a text, “LOL”. Thank you so much for the rice cooker- what a thoughtful choice! Mike loves it and he has been making dinners in it multiple times per week, so it’s a treat for me as well, ha! How are the kids doing? Around here, Michael Jr. is preparing for his SATs already, and Alicia’s swim team just made the state championships! The time really flies, doesn’t it? It feels like only yesterday that Alicia and Shelby were splashing around in the surf at Key West- the “Good Old Days”!
I imagine that you’re keeping busy with the upcoming election, but as you know, our annual Halloween party is just around the corner… please feel free to stop by with Steve and the kids! I’ll be making my famous “witches’ fingers” cookies ☺
I’d love to chat if you have a few free minutes at some point during these hectic back-to-school weeks! Phone me anytime.
Disgusting. If Wasserman-Schultz thinks she can get away with this kind of blatant personal privacy, she’d better think again. There’s no way the former DNC chairwoman will be able live down this one.