Our Favorite Numbers in Pi

By the Writers of the Pitiful News (Formerly the Pi-tiful news)

• The decimal
• 12
  • In memory of the 12 squirrels that rescued me from a tar pit in Jacksonville, Florida in 2009
• Oh
• 4
• 3
  • The amount of nipples I have
• 8
  • The amount of divorces I’ve had 
• 45
  • For the amount of letters in my favorite word, pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis
• 1-800-273-8255
  • You know like the logic song, it is so nice that he set that hotline up
• 4, 2
  •  The second one
• Tooth hurty
• e
  • February 71st (April 11th or 12th depending on leap year)
  • Reason 2
• For
• 80085
  • hehehehehehehheheheheheheheh
• 2009
  • See 12
• The entire works of Shakespeare
• Schmeventy schmeven
• Pi
  • Pi is my favorite number in pi because it is all of it, much like how my father has been absent from my home all my life
• 3
  • 3 is my favorite number in pi because it is the first digit, much like how my father was absent during the first critical years of my life
• 69
  • Nice 
  • Also, somehow, the age of my father when he returned to my life only to leave me once again
• Fore
• √-1
  • As real as my father’s love for me
• 6875309
• 678, triple nine, 8212
• 420
  • Nice
  • Blaze it! 
•  011235813
  • The fibonacci sequence is a very memorable number, as the day my teacher was teaching us it I accidentally farted in front of my crush, Jenny.
• 76 
  • The age I lost my virginity
    • To a 14 year old, hot I know ;)
• 766
  • The number of unread emails my gmail has right now 
•                      1
•                   1    1
•                1    2    1
•             1    3    3    1
•          1    4    6    4    1
•       1    5   10  10    5   1 
• P3N15
• 011101110110010101100101011101110110010101100101
  • weewee in binary
• Your mother’s phone number

Editor’s note: Attention all Fortnite gamers: John Wick is in great danger, and he needs your help to wipe all the squads in the Tilted Towers. But to do This, he needs a gold SCAR, and a couple of Chug Jugs. To help him, all he needs is the digits of Pi that match your credit card number, the three digits on the back, and the expiration month and year. But, you gotta be quick so that John Wick can secure the bag and achieve the EPIC… VICTORY… ROYALE

-The Lord

How to get over the extreme low you feel after Pi day has ended

By the Writers of the Pittiful News

• Drink a pi-nt of beer 
• Drop by CVS to get Pi Day decor at 3.1415… percent off
• Assassinate Julius Caesar
• Eat Tyler’s cat 
  • no
  • okay but, like, what if…?
• Read some Shakespire
• Take down the Pi Day tree
  • O Pi Day tree, O Pi Day tree, thou art a symbol national
  • O Pi Day tree, O Pi Day tree, thou represent’st th’irrational
  • Your boughs so warm in oven’s heat, remain so warm on the cookie sheet
  • O Pi Day tree, O Pi Day tree, thou art a symbol national 
• Assassinate the Little Caesar’s mascot
  • Implying the existence of a Big Caesar, who will also be terminated
    • “Why, man, he doth bestride the narrow world like a Big Caesar.” – Papa John
    • “The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars/But in ourselves.” – John Green
    • “You put the killing 3.1415 right between your teeth, but you don’t give 3.1415 the power to do its killing.” – Also John Green, John Green’s son
  • Medium Caesar shall also be terminated. No (Ro)man left behind.
• Polish the Pi Day altar
• Remember the pi-lights of yesterday
• Stab someone with a pi-ke
• Hail Lord Pi-ler Pi-kov
• Eat some pi-zza
• Eat some pi-neapple too. but not on top of the pi-zza, you fucking heathen
• Engage in pi-litical debate that estranges you from one side of your family
• Come out as pi-sexual
• Eat 3.141 apple pies by yourself 
• I like to spend the day pi myself
  • All pi myself
    • I don’t wanna be
      • All pi myself
        • Anymore
• See what CNN has to report from yesterday… so much for the tolerant left
• Friend my high school geometry teacher on facebook and tell her I miss her
  • Do the same but with my high school english teacher 
• Tend to the rabbits 
• Hail to Pi-tt
• Ask Dean Bonner how he spent his Pi Day… in a pi-lite manner
• Burn all of my Dr. Seuss books in solidarity with… racism? TBH, I just like arson
• Pi-necone?
• Analyze the proletarian undertones in Dolly Parton’s “9 to 5”
  • What a way to make a livin’
• Pretend to know how college basketball works
• Eat a big ole’ bowl of mashed potatoes (pi-tatoes?)
• Watch Back to the Future with Pi-chael J. Fox as Marty McPi
• Read Pi-lights Magazine
• Learn Greek
• Change your clocks another hour forward in honour of 2 irrational things happening in one day 
• Pi-ne for your long-dead lover
• Pi-romania. 
  • Pyromania. 
    • Do it.
• Pledge a frat with Pi in the title to honor the legacy
• Sneeze
  • Do you need a pi-ssue?
    • This pun didn’t work. I a-pi-lo-pi-ze.
• Pi-lot an aircraft without a pi-lot’s license.
• Cut off a large pi-ece of your hair
• Write a pi-larious article for the Pi-ttiful News
• Move away from Pi-nnsylvania
• Hail to Pi-tt (again)
• Live pi-cariously through your teen daughter
• Read the pi-ography of Archimedes
• Live on the run, pi-ding from the authorities
  • Fuck the pi-lice
  • You can also play pi-ng dong pi-tch
• Sing “American Pi” by Don McLean
• Watch the American Pi movie series (same cast as that Numb3rs show)
• Eat a big ole’ bowl of mac n cheese
• Crucify Jesus Christ. Call me Pontius Pi-late.
• Wean yourself slowly off of the pi puns. It’s okay, it takes some people months to break the ha-pi-t.
  • Take your pi-me
• Bake a cake to see that there are still other desserts out there
• Light your own funeral pi-re 
• Act irrational for an infinite amount of time 

Pie Flavors That the FDA Doesn’t Want You to Know About

By the writers of The Pittiful News

Ever wondered what that would taste like? Now’s your chance! Try these pies before the FDA catches on!

1. Blue raspberry pie
2. Watermelon LiP SMACKER pie
3. Dead grandma apple pie – This is real, so basically this girl in sculpture class said her favorite smell was apple pie, like it’s the only thing she eats, but like not any GARBAGE apple pie, no 7/11 apple pie and no Giant Eagle apple pie, none of your mother’s apple pie, I’m talking about the pie her dead grandmother made tons of and froze before she ate the recipe and died
4. New York City pigeon pie
5. Pion (a subatomic particle that consists of a quark and an antiquark and is therefore a meson – the lightest one – that has a lifetime of either 26.033 nanoseconds or 84 attoseconds and a mass approximately 270 times that of an electron)
6. Some sweet, sweet cheddar cheesecake
7. A tray of Orbeez (any flavor) with whipped cream
8. An entire pineapple pizza