Solely You Caused the Drought in California

By Shannon Kelly

Image result for california drought

You are an upperclassman and you should have known better. It was O-week. You went out with your roommates on Saturday night. They heard about a party on Dawson, and even though you live in North Oakland, you decide it’s a go. When you arrive, the porch is about to give out. Someone hands you a green solo cup. You’re colorblind. Your roommate next to you sniffs the jungle juice like a wine connoisseur. It’s a red. Fruit Punch Kool-Aid..  

An hour later, you walk past a Freshman boy on the way out.  He asks, “What does it cost to get in?” You think, “Your dignity.” You respond, “$5.” You keep going. You arrive back to the apartment, where you realize you never picked up a pizza you ordered. You remember a quote on wastefulness: “A man by his sin may waste himself, which is to waste that which on earth is most like God. This is man’s greatest tragedy and God’s heaviest grief.” Little Nippers will never forgive you.
You decide to make your own drunken food. You open your cabinets. Toothpaste. Wrong cabinets. You open your kitchen cabinets. Mac and Cheese. A food with false dignity like a stripper making a weighty deposit at the bank. You read the instructions: Boil 6-8 quarts of water. “In What?” you scream to God. You read on. In a medium-sized pot. You turn on the sink. But you are drunk and the sink knows better than to take advantage of you. You sit down. You fall asleep.

You wake up the next morning covered in hard pasta. You push your friend “pasta” off of the futon. You go into the kitchen to get water only to realize the tap has been on all night. So much water. It was you, solely you; an individual caused the drought in California that has left millions in broken despair. What’s worse? Your Brita is empty.

Lifestyle 011: Party Ideas

By Megan Klein

 It’s almost the end of the semester, and instead of going out like you said you would last weekend, or the weekend before, or the weekend before that when you continuously drank yourself into a stupor, before you fashioned a kiddie pool for yourself, and proceeded to sit in it all night, claiming it was a “pool party,” then threw all of your ramen in for “wet noodles” while watching Mary Poppins on the laptop you eventually drowned as you flooded your bathroom, much to the dismay of your roommates saying, “Not again, Big Joey,” and “Please change your ring tone to something other than Selena Gomez. It’s embarrassing.” If that’s the case, spice things up a little bit with some alternative party ideas!

  1. Peasant Party- Also known as Proletarians vs. Peasants. Everyone dresses up as realistic characters from the French Revolution, and litter the dirty streets of South Oakland. Play the Les Miserables soundtrack on repeat throughout the night, and drink sewer water! For a rad time, the peasants become imprisoned, and in a drunken stupor everyone shouts the lyrics to “Do You Hear the People Sing.” Rats run amuck, and people bathe in trash before starting upheavals and brawls.
  2. Stanford Prison Experiment- Relive the famous Stanford Prison Experiment. Police officers arrest prisoners in the middle of the night, and in a fun twist, the guards abuse the prisoners into psychological submission to the point where it is no longer an experiment.
  3. Murder Mystery Party- Exactly like Clue, but real! Everyone gets drunk, and has to cover up a murder! Was it James in the bathroom with the cocaine and razor? Or was it Lexi in the living room with the broken alcohol bottle?
  4. Zodiac killer party- Based on the life of Ted Cruz, everyone wears those “hip” 70’s style serial killer glasses so no one has to conceal their true nature any longer. You’re all a bunch of serial killers, and in an impulsive moment find your latest victims while playing some sweet tunes. Playlist can include: “Mr. Sandman”, you know, that classic song everyone gets murdered to in movies, and now real life!
  5. The Most Dangerous Game- A party for sociopaths! Let loose, literally, let your guests loose, as they run around your woods while you chase them for several days. Happy Hunting!

For more fun party ideas and lifestyle tips and tricks, follow the Pittiful News on Twitter @PittifulNews.