market central

By Ben Ungar

1- Philosophy

You may have noticed recently on your elevator rides up Ms. Cathy that a television screen claims [REDACTED] has the highest rated Philosophy program in the country. I Googled it, and it turns out that many of these school ratings websites rate [REDACTED] well below #1. In my personal rankings, which are done EXTREMELY objectively, I believe [REDACTED]’s philosophy fits right into that 69 spot.

2- Cleanest dining halls

Everyone knows that when it comes to [REDACTED]’s food options, you’re going to be paying way more for your food than a rational person would. This is because we aren’t paying just for the food, we’re paying for the 69th cleanest food facility to grace a world university, the nice southern hospitality of the cashiers, and chancellor Gallagher’s fat stacks.

3- Football team

In all my time at [REDACTED], I have yet to watch a football game. This is because I’m straight, and only gay people like to stare at balls. If [REDACTED] beat Penn State then they’d be number one, but right now they take up the 69th slot.

4- Chancellor

No university has as dope a chancellor as [REDACTED]. Well actually I suppose 68 other schools too, but how many of them also have the 69th best Philosophy program? Yeah, that’s what I thought.

5- Best looking student body bodies

Look, I get it, how good looking can Pennsylvanians look compared to hot Californians, sexy Floridians, and exotic Hawaiians? Exactly, that’s why we’re not in the top 10 or even the top 20. Us [REDACTED]sburghers and Pennsylvanians make up the 69th best looking students in the world. Jealous much Ohio State?

By Steven Jaindl

The Dining Dollar of the University of Pittsburgh has recently depreciated in value against other currencies of the world. When compared to United States Dollars (USD)—the currency most historically related to the Dining Dollar—the Dining Dollar is now worth $0.86.

Market analysts point the near worthlessness of the Dining Dollar as the reason for this depreciation.

“The issue with the Dining Dollar,” says market analyst John Bourse, “is that it is hardly a currency at all, being entirely devoid of any worth outside of Pitt’s campus.”

In fact, not only does most of the world reject the Dining Dollar as a viable currency, but nearly all foreign countries refuse to exchange Dining Dollars into their own currencies.

“Other currencies want nothing to do with the Dining Dollar,” says Bourse. “When’s the last time anyone has attempted to exchange their dining bucks for a respectable currency such as the Mexican Peso or the Vietnamese Dong? Trust me—you’ll just get laughed at.”

The University of Pittsburgh’s Chancellor, Patrick Gallagher, shares in John Bourse’s dismissive opinion of the Dining Dollar. Gallagher, who worked as Acting Deputy Secretary for the Department of Commerce before being hired to his current position, has some ideas for the future of pecuniary matters at Pitt:

“Fake internet money,” says Gallagher. “Like Bitcoin or something like that. Apparently that’s the way of the future now—I should know because I read half an article on it the other day.”

Gallagher hopes to have a plan implemented before the start of the 2015 fall semester. When asked what a potential name for the cryptocurrency could be, Gallagher replied that “Gallaghercoin has a certain ring to it, you know? It there is anything my predecessors of the post of Chancellor taught me, it’s that it is never too early to start slapping your name on stuff.”