By Ben Ungar
You may have noticed recently on your elevator rides up Ms. Cathy that a television screen claims [REDACTED] has the highest rated Philosophy program in the country. I Googled it, and it turns out that many of these school ratings websites rate [REDACTED] well below #1. In my personal rankings, which are done EXTREMELY objectively, I believe [REDACTED]’s philosophy fits right into that 69 spot.
2- Cleanest dining halls
Everyone knows that when it comes to [REDACTED]’s food options, you’re going to be paying way more for your food than a rational person would. This is because we aren’t paying just for the food, we’re paying for the 69th cleanest food facility to grace a world university, the nice southern hospitality of the cashiers, and chancellor Gallagher’s fat stacks.
3- Football team
In all my time at [REDACTED], I have yet to watch a football game. This is because I’m straight, and only gay people like to stare at balls. If [REDACTED] beat Penn State then they’d be number one, but right now they take up the 69th slot.
No university has as dope a chancellor as [REDACTED]. Well actually I suppose 68 other schools too, but how many of them also have the 69th best Philosophy program? Yeah, that’s what I thought.
5- Best looking student body bodies
Look, I get it, how good looking can Pennsylvanians look compared to hot Californians, sexy Floridians, and exotic Hawaiians? Exactly, that’s why we’re not in the top 10 or even the top 20. Us [REDACTED]sburghers and Pennsylvanians make up the 69th best looking students in the world. Jealous much Ohio State?