Side Effects of the Newest Medication

iStock_000003170170XSmall-e1546620899276By Tyler Sikov


The FDA has just approved a new medication, with some user info. Here are some possible side effects:

  1. Dry mouth
  2. Wet mouth
  3. Blindness
  4. Increased sight
  5. Jazz hands
  6. Droopy face
  7. Uncontrollable smiling
  8. Coughing
  9. Extra lung
  10. Lack of appetite
  11. Increased appetite
  12. Smooth Jazz Syndrome
  13. Death
  14. Reincarnation
  15. Mild-to-severe plaque psoriasis
  16. Cancer
  17. More death
  18. Hearth failure
  19. Heart success
  20. Resurrection
  21. First love
  22. A heartfelt letter from the Make-A-Wish Foundation
  23. More pain than you had before taking this medicine
  24. Anything else that could ever possibly happen to anyone who is or is not taking this medicine

Ask your doctor for Jazzatrol!! (Or just look for it on store shelves.)

LoL@Pitt under investigation after killing Make-A-Wish kid

By John Travolta


September 22nd marked the Pitt League of Legends Fall draft and everything was fine and dandy… until it wasn’t. At the conclusion of the draft, it came to the draft administrators’ attention that they’d accidentally skipped over a player, 14-year-old Johny Berg, who is suffering from liver cancer and made the wish to play in Pitt’s League of Legends league with his few months left in this world.

When the draft administrator, Richard Wanker, realized this mishap had taken place he knew there was only one thing left to do. He and the Pitt A-team, went to the hospital Berg was getting treatment from, and suffocated him in bed. “We know the horrible nature of this act,” said Pitt team captain, Chancellor Gallagher, “but it was the only way to save all the captains an hour of their precious masturbation time. A re-draft was not gonna happen, it would have caused a freaking riot!”

The police chief who was on this case respected the complexity of this case, “Well, on one hand, this is a brutal murder of a vulnerable person. But on the other hand, college kids need to jerk off, so what can I say?” Some people are feeling less understanding. Upon interviewing the victim’s mom, she shouted, “Fuck those kids, I’m in the process of hiring a mercenary to kill all their families and then cut off all their fucking limbs!” Damn, bitches be crazy! Well, that’s all from me today, folks.